Thursday, March 15, 2007

Come Undone

I've really been trying to limit the amount of crappy food that I eat. I do "allow" myself to eat fast food at least once a week (sometimes 3 times a week...shhh!). Today was my special food day. So there I am at lunchtime, standing at the front of the line in Taco Bell, when my belt decides to break. There's a part in the belt's buckle that clasps onto the leather belt. That's the part that broke, sending my buckle to the dirty floor.....that's the moment when I became a "medium" and was able to hear the other customer's thoughts:...."poor fatty broke his belt and he's still here ordering more fat to go"...."take that as a sign chubs"...."he does have a cute booty though".

So I scooped up the buckle and stood around waiting for my food. Yes, I still had the belt looped through my pants, without a buckle. I just know I looked like an asshole, but I was determined not to let the shame of it all break me and force me to run out of there, tail tucked in.

FYI, I've lost 5 lbs in the last 3 weeks, so my gut didn't bust the belt. I blame this on poor craftsmanship, by some El Salvadorian child sweatshop worker.

Lately, I've been hearing quite a bit about this Master Cleanse/Lemonade Diet drink and I'm thinking about going on it. My blogger buddy (and cutie-patootie), LittleBigChris did it for the entire 10 days and even Vlogged his progress daily on YouTube. I've been a longtime stalker fan of his, and I'm pretty damn proud of the lad. Check him out.

Update: I think I need to clarify my reasons for wanting to do this:

I wouldn't be doing it for the weight loss (which I don't think is significant at all), I just want to clean me out. I'm not a fan of the hose being shoved up my arse and then flushed out with water. I'd much rather be sitting on the "pot" every morning, bracing myself with the sink, while millions of parasites come racing out of me!....wheee!...sounds fun, no?

Yes, yes ya'll...I want to shit myself clean....I just don't know if I have the willpower to last the entire 10 days. Wish me luck, Bitches!


Steve said...

Fucking El Salvadorian child sweatshop workers. I love Taco Bell, but they get a little pissy when you ask for extra E Coli on the side. I have NEVER had to watch my svelte figure, but since I quit smoking, I fear I'm getting a little doughy. I still, however, have a 30" waist. Ha! Best of luck. We'll be watching.

Big Daddy said...


I'm Pee Wee.

You might remember from such self-help films as:

'Smoke Yourself Thin'


'Get Confident, Stupid!'


Your post reminded me of that from the Simpsons.

I was sick for three days, barely ate, and didn't lose any weight. Maybe I should give myself malaria.

They have a cure for that right?

Steven said...

So you want to have the shits for a week, or so? On purpose?

Michael Guy said...

Might I suggest rubber sheets?

The last time I sneaked what I thought was a fart I found myself doing laundry at midnight.

We'd just returned home from Puerta Vallarta. Need I say more?

Lewis said...

I'm going to get up early tomorrow just to be online for your first blog entry--provided you can get off of the shitter long enough to post. The rubber sheets do sound like a good idea......I think I have a set around here somewhere. Now, exactly how much weight do you need to lose?

dbv said...

we'll all be watching for the progress!!! if i didn't think it would do harm to my already fucked up system, i'd try that...

Crazy Eddie said...

There's nothing like excersise. Sometimes people take the difficult road to dieting and don't realize how much easier it is to enjoy eating what you like (reasonable though) if you're burning the calories on the side...

If you take away the food, or do this lemon diet thing, you'll be miserable. That's why diets don't last...

Do the gym and you'll see that if you decide to have that extra donut or taco, it's okay because your pecs and arms will be bulging.