Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Dirk Mancuso Made Me Laugh

I happened upon a new blog, and I just about pissed myself silly after reading the following post from Dirk Mancuso. Well done Dirk!

Tee'd Off

So there I was in the produce section, searching for fruits and vegetables that met my stringent standards, when she spoke.

“Do you think that shirt is funny?”

It took me a moment to realize she was talking to me.

“Say again?” I replied, eyebrows raised.

“Your shirt — you should be arrested for wearing that in public.”

People’s Exhibits A and B of said “offensive” t-shirt:

I turned and looked her up and down. 5′8, 270 (perhaps a bit conservative), dried out platinum blond hair teased into a cotton candy froth in an attempt to conceal her rapidly accelerating alopecia, nails chewed to the quick, tits that looked pancake batter slowly dripping into a hot skillet, and a vociferous rhinoceros ass packed into capri stretch pants which also accentuated her hideous camel toe.

I know she di’INT.

“You think it’s funny to degrade our president like that? People like you are why there was 9/11.”

“Last time I checked it was still somewhat a free country, ma’am…which is why I didn’t call you out on that fugly garb you are wearing,” I replied, trying desperately to keep my eyes from roaming back to the sagging labial folds outlined in black synthetic stretch fabric.

She glared at me, her pea sized brain feverishly trying to formulate a comeback, but in the end, the best she could summon up was “faggot,” as she turned and began shambling off.

“Stupid bitch,” I muttered.

“What did you say?” She whirled around so quick, I took a step back.

I sized her up, did the math, and liked my odds. She may have had hearing to rival Lassie, but I could easily outrun her.

“You said ‘faggot’ so I said ’stupid bitch’ — I thought it was the name game.”

Her tiny, over made-up eyes narrowed and her thin lips curled into a sneer. “Fuck. You.”

“Not for all the oil in Iraq,” I smiled and scurried off before I got my clock cleaned by the hash slinging truckstop T-rex in blue eyeshadow.


dbv said...

what a vivid descriptive power you have... i was right there in the produce section, and actually shuddered from the camel toe!!! LOVE IT!!!!

WAT said...

Love it! Had to go to his blog and give him proper credit. I want one of dem shirts now! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAH!!


Lewis said...

I would have whacked her out with an eggplant and sent her home with a little tiny zuchinni for the labia folds. She sounds like what much of our country is made up of, unfortunately. You were much nicer than I would have been..wish I'd been there with you. Damn...I miss all of the fun.

The Other Andrew said...

Thanks for the link Christopher, I had to go check him out and his blog is hilarious!

Steve said...

I saw that post, and unfortunately, there are plenty of people like that broad that litter planet Earth. I do have to ask, however, what message is that shirt trying to convey? I don't see any political/anti-war/anti-Bush message. I'm certainly no supporter of 'W' and his administration and it's just my two cents, but if the graphic on the shirt was trying to make some kind of point, fine, but honestly, it's kinda childish.

Red7Eric said...

I totally want that shirt.