Thursday, April 19, 2007

Party Like It's 2033

An old hag who hasn't really done anything that would be considered as work for the last few months now dear friend & co-worker is retiring next week, so today my work group threw her a little get the hell out already "Happy Retirement" party (in one of our conference rooms).

It was the usual waste of time festive celebration. Several balloons (the cheap, flat colored, rubber ones that show fingerprints) were scattered around the conference room, red streamers (left over from last year's Xmas potluck -- I shit you not) hung from the asbestos laden ceiling panels, and "well wishes" were scribbled on the whiteboard (in someone's disturbing "suicide note" style of handwriting).

The cake was provided by a local supermarket, along with many 2-liter bottles of soda. A variety of artery-clogging homemade dips was served along with many bags of chips & cut-up veggies...There were also a few trays of day old delicious cookies to round out the spread.

I'm sorry....I really don't mean to sound like a Bitter Bitch (yes, I do), but I really felt bad for this poor woman. She's spent virtually all of her working lifetime at this company, and you'd think that the big wigs would've thrown a little cash our way for this party. I think she deserved a proper send off into the mind numbing, depressing misery that lay ahead of her her Golden Years.

I think for my pending retirement (many, many decades away), I'll plan my own little office party....here's what I'm thinking:

  • Food = Catered....chi-chi finger foods, perhaps.
  • Flowers = White Lilies that have a slight gilding around the petal's edges, styled in dramatic Japanese arrangements.
  • Music = Ambient background muzak....or maybe some old school New Wave.
  • Decor = Ethereal....think: this is where Zeus himself must live....(neo-classical knickknacks, white columns with golden roses trailing up, billowy fabric blowing in the faux breezes).
  • Waitstaff = tall Greek/Spanish/Eastern European beefy Men (with IQs that match their shoe sizes) wearing onion skin thin strips of gauze, long enough to barely cover their manhood.
  • Beverages = Bollinger Champagne....no other options.

I'm still working on the details (where I'll register for gifts and what my gift bags will comprise), as this is all off the top of my head...anyhoo....Here's to you, Wendy...may you enjoy every single day of your well-deserved retirement ......can I have your stapler?

14 comments:

D-Man said...

Oooo, I wanna come! Is it too early to RSVP? We WILL be able to fondle the waitstaff, right?

Big Daddy a.k.a 'Buzz Saw Pete' said...

Sounds like the birthday 'parties' they throw here at The Corporation.

I actually have a porno that involves a group of guys in just gauze. Nice choice. I'm there.

Lewis said...

Will I be on the "A" list? And can we, like, actually fondle right through the onion skin...or will we have to go underneath? I'm thinking close to 2030 for me....early as 2027...late as 2033. You must be younger than me!

Donnie v2.0 said...

What a great post. Sounds like where I work. I love your idea - I may have to do the same when I retire.

Michael Guy said...

Can you explain to me how an old Account's Receivable HAG's 'retirement party' ended up under my wing two year's ago? (CREATIVE Dept.) Remember 'mama' from "THROW MAMA FROM THE TRAIN"? One and the same. But I digress.

I'll tell you why. BECAUSE I'm the company RAINBOW FAG. So her Supervisor rang my extension and said:

"Mick, can you make a party for Connie's retirement next week? Something nice; like how you do things. Let me know the costs. :: click ::"

Connie just adored the 26 yellow roses...one for each year of her employment. And the champagne. And the catered breakfast for 50-employees. And the special imprinted napkins. And matching plates. And acrylic engraved plaque from the agency 'thanking' her for her dedication and commitment...

I've not been asked to do a retirement party since.

Michael Guy said...

doh! "MOMMA" for above COMMENT. doh! I'm drinking chardonnay and will not be held accountable for typos, betch.

Rey a.k.a. "Mr. Secret" said...

Sounds like a fun retirement party you're gonna have! I wanna come!!

jay said...

I feel like Corporate America cares about you only when they see a future benefit to doing so and retirement doesn't matter as such to them.

But your retirement party sounds awesome. I'll RSVP. ;) (if invited)

Steve said...

Sounds fabulous! Your party, I mean. Just let me know when/where, K?

Jeff said...

Hey Michael Guy, unless you live in the south, you have a discrimination suit on your hands with the comment "like how you do things".

J. David Zacko-Smith said...

Darlin', who's to say it was not all a charade on her part - and she was really ready to GET THE HELL OUT! I know when it's my time I may be of the attiude "screw the party, just let me go home" - but, then again, I'm hoping to be doing something I love and not retire until I'm 70, anway!

Crazy Eddie said...

Zeus... lol.

Sorry I haven't been around my handsome Chris... I've been on a soul search of late and haven't been around. Seriously, I've been working my azz off at my new job and really feel out of the loop.

I understand fully about cheap bosses. The least they could've done was hire a male stripper... dang.

Besos

Gay Canuck in the Capital said...

One of the smartest things a female mentor said to me- never volunteer to organize a party. Don't be pigeon-holed into the trite homo who is a party planner. It's sad, but true.

Christopher said...

You are ALL invited and fondling & tipping your waiters is highly encouraged!