Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Disorder In The Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. They are things that people actually said in court, word for word, taken down & now published by the court reporters who had the torment of staying calm, while these exchanges were actually taking place....


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

8 comments:

SYNRGY said...

ROFLOL... I have got to get this book... This crackin' me up...

The Other Andrew said...

My ex is a lawyer and used to sometimes email me with this kind of stuff from our courst here. It's refreshing to know that Australians can be as dumb ass as anyone else!

franck said...

Very very funny... and sad at the same time

Palm Springs Savant said...

love it...thanks for the laugh!

Greg said...

I love that last one!

D-Man said...

Ah, the beauty of American Justice.

J. David Zacko-Smith said...

Now this is some good stuff, baby!

Scot said...

The last one I've heard as a joke.
My favorite has got to be, "Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"