Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Eat Me Up!

:: Just released from the Draft Vaults ::

A few weeks back, on a Sunday night, I ventured to a local gay bar......by myself....gasp!....I haven't done that in ages. Lookit, my house was clean, I was horny as hell, there was nothing on TV, my friends were all busy, and truth be told: I really wanted to get my drinky-drink on!....and I was not about to dirty a glass...my poop chute kitchen was closed....So I headed on over to the Silver Fox. I just wanted to be surrounded by my kind for a little while & have a drink....or 2.

I walked into a pretty crowded bar (for a Sunday night). I was expecting only a handful of barflys to be glued to their barstools.....but you know how the 'Mos like to stretch the weekend out as long as possible.....(guilty).

Anyhoo, at one point in the evening, the DJ was playing a song that I had never heard before...this tune had my head bopping & my booty dropping. It was obviously a remix of something that started to sound vaguely familiar, but I never figured out what the name of the song was. I was about to ask the DJ, but there was a gayggle surrounding his tiny booth, squealing very loudly.....so I kept busting my moves to this mystery jam.

I just heard the song in question on my radio.......Horror of all Horrors!....the song is Popozao, by Kevin Federline...I just heard the radio version, but recognized certain mixed parts from that Sunday night....have you heard it? It's such a lame song......totally sucks ass, and not in the good way. That remix I heard was done by a DJ with some serious skills, yo...I feel so tricked & cheated....and usually I only feel that way when it comes to relationships, not music.....gasp!

Side Story
[same Sunday night as noted above - - yes, at the same bar]........as I was working on my 2nd Whiskey Sour, this Filipino guy (who'd been cruising me since I walked in) came up to me & said: "you're a very handsome man"....I said "Thanks, you too" (I wasn't lying...I'm guessing that he was north of 50, and was in great shape...but I wasn't into him) .....then he said it again. I thanked him again, and turned in the opposite direction (I wasn't looking to hook up & he really wasn't my type).

Then he started to rub my shoulders (day-um he was good at it too)....and whispered in my ear: "you're a very handsome man".....AGAIN (!!)....at this point I was so tempted to pull up my t-shirt, point to my gut, and ask: "oh yeah?....how do you like them apples?"......but I'm so damn
fake classy, that I just patted him on the shoulders and told him that he didn't have to keep saying that.

He asked me if I had a BF, and I said yes, and that I needed to leave soon or else he'd start to worry. He then asked if he could take me back to his place to "eat me up"....

...ummm...WTF???!!!.......I told him that that sounded a little scary & "no". He LOL'd and started to rub my shoulders again....this man had magic fingers, but I wasn't attracted to him & he was really starting to bug me.

I think that Baby Jebus was sending me a sign that it was time to go nighty-night. So, after sucking every drop of whiskey out of the ice cubes, I turned to my admirer, hugged him & told him "good night". ...he whispered in my other ear: "maybe next time, I can have you for dessert".....I made a "Is You Crazy?" face at him and left. ......I never knew that Gay Cannibals were attracted to me? Must be all of the winter weight I'm carrying....hmmmm...yet another reason to get in shape!


Scot said...

Not that I'm that into poetry, but a friend once shared a haiku that is incredibly applicable and, sadly, true:
Eagerness Repels
Creates Attraction

He certainly repelled you and you seemed to attract him.

Big Daddy said...

This reminded me of this one time [in band camp - kidding], where I met this guy and his friends at a straight bar. His group just randomly sat down next to ours.

It became evident that he was a fellow 'mo, and we chatted for the rest of the night like we had previously known each other.

So the night is winding down and he gets adamant about me going back to his buddy's place.

I caved and did.

But on the way over, I was thinking, I don't even know this guy, what if he's a psycho.

So I called him and asked, 'you're not going to eat or rape me, are you?'

He didn't find that funny.

Still went over anyway and I survived. [It ended up just being a bunch of us enjoying enjoying 'party favors'].

Christopher said...

Scot -- I Love the very appropriate poem.

Big Daddy -- Didn't know you were that easy...I'm kidding...I knew! Ha!

Greg said...

i'm so out of the bar scene. Which is kinda sad since they're only 3 blocks away from my house. I dreaded going to the bars during my single days, especially alone. Brave man, I think you handled the cannibal very well.

Big Daddy said...


I'm not easy, I just have low standards to match my low-low prices.


Something tells me we would cause a lot of trouble if we lived in the same city.

Rey a.k.a. "Mr. Secret" said...

There's something liberating about going to bars alone. Maybe it's because you become more approachable or perhaps when you're by yourself, you drop your standards (of course, I'm talking "you" in general), but I've enjoyed going out alone quite a few times.

And RE: K-Fed
I hate when that happens... when you are so repulsed by something that, all of a sudden, you start liking it or (worse yet), like you were, duped into liking it again.
No lie here, I hang out with K-Fed every once in a while and I told him that that song is the worst thing ever... It's so bad that it's gone beyond camp and has become a likeable song. Eeek!

J. David Zacko-Smith said...

Well, you just described the reason why I never go into bars alone - one thing that gets on my nerves to the point of homicide is a guy who will not take "thanks, but not interested" for an answer, especially if he is TOUCHING me! You have the patience of a saint, young man.

WAT said...

Not into the Filipino guy? Fine. Understandable.

Attracted to that Federline song though? UGH! NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Scot said...

I wish I could claim ownership of the poem. Someone wrote it for my friend Erica. Can you see why it's so perfect? Acronym.

As for the music, there are some great remixes of bad songs and horrid remixes of good songs (think KBIG 104 on a saturday). It's a testiment to the DJ. I admit to occationally liking a Britney song....

Michael Guy said...

Sounds like you were the prime-cut on the Sunday night buffet.

And that Federline thang? We'll just let that one slide cuz' you had some liquor in you. Ha!

:: pretends he's BRITNEY, LIVE from MIAMI ::

Lewis said...

Now, you're not complaining....right? Sounds like a great evening. Drinks, a rub down, and compliments. Can I go next time?

franck said...

I'm having trouble working out why you hugged him...

Christopher said...

Franck -- it wasn't so much of a 'real' hug, but more like: as I was about to leave, the guy said something dumb like "don't leave me so soon"...and I told him to take care & that I had to go...then gave him a half hug/pat on the pack (straight jock-boy style)...I made sure our crotches didn't bump...he got the message that I really wasn't interested (I hope).

no milk said...

a great DJ can alter a song such that it transcends the original. an example that comes to mind is armand van helden's mix of tori amos' "professional widow". in it's day, it was the slammin' song to dance to.

Crazy Eddie said...

Scot speaks the truth. I dodge dudes on the regular only to find that it's a natural aphrodesiac...

Even if you find yourself drawn to someone and have that urge to just jump their BONE... you must contain yourself. Never show an overwhelming amount of interest because they'll just run away.

This dude sounds like he would've turned me off too. You go boy...