Friday, November 30, 2007

My Weight Loss Inspiration


Losing weight is never easy. It usually involves a radical shift in the way we eat, and even think about food. Personally, carb/fat/calorie watching has become a way of life for me lately, as I try to shed my love handles & secondary chins. Losing weight is especially tough during the holiday season. Tasty, fatty, treats are everywhere I look...at work, in the grocery store, on my kitchen counter cooling, inside my intestines digesting, etc...

So I want to take this opportunity to tell Paul just how damn proud I am of him for losing all of his "baby fat", and for being such an inspirational role model for me. You see, Paul recently shared with me how he struggled with his weight as a child...his weight issues can be traced back to the days when his mother, desperate to have a daughter, would dress him up as a little girl. I didn't believe Paul, until he broke down in tears, and then showed me the video evidence. I talked to him earlier this morning and asked if it was ok to share this story/video (see below) with my readers and he agreed to it.

In case you've never seen this handsome devil before, here's what he looks like now:


...and here's what he looked like as a child:




Thursday, November 29, 2007

Charlie Brown Xmas Tree!



I love this little tree...I think it would look perfect as a centerpiece on my kitchen table...maybe I'll tell the girls that it's been a tough year financially, and this is all I could afford....and then I'd tell them to stop their damn crying!

....Update: this is for Jim...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

WTF Wednesday

So I'm on Facebook, trying to take tests, answer quizzes, poke people, & play games (read: kick Franck's & Billy's butts on music trivia), and each time I click on the button to go to the game/quiz/test I get a message back that says "you have chosen to ignore this person" or something like that...dammit, I don't want my friends to think that I'm ignoring them.


So to any of you that may have received a "Chris has chosen to ignore you & your damn game, because he ain't got time for your monkey ass", please know that this was due to a glitch in the system...after all, I'm all about playing games!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

...Insert Clever Post Title Here...

Holy Moley, I've been neglecting this blog for nearly a week now, and I have to apologize to the 10's of you that stop by on the regular. Now that my tryptophan coma has finally worn off, I've showered & shaved (down there.......and back there), and I am ready to get back to the true purpose of my life: blogging.

Last week was a very relaxing week for me. I had Wednesday thru Sunday off and basically didn't do shit. I had an entire list of things to get done over the holiday (seriously, I make daily lists of men things to do) & I only accomplished about 1/4 of the "to do's". I did watch a lot of movies, played some video games, & I even watched some trash TV, such as that Tila Tequila show & I Love New York 2....seriously, both of these bishes are ridiculous!

Tila is just nasty...her body's ok, but that face? Looks like she played "chicken" with a Mack truck & failed to put her brakes on.....yuck!...Why would any of these guys/lezzies be interested in her? Yeah, I already know....this is a chance for these people to get their 15 minutes of fame, but damn, that just seems so sad & desperate. This show is so stupid & I'm pissed off that:

1). I got sucked in & wasted an hour watching this freak show and,
2). I was fooled by the boyish lezzie.

I seriously thought that she was a cute boy, until I turned up the volume & heard her speak...FYI, this isn't the 1st time a lez has fooled me, but that's a post for another day!

As for "New York", this show is a guilty pleasure of mine. I can see why the mens on this show "got love for New York" ....it's her T&A. Yes, yes, y'all, New York is crazy, air-headed, acts a little slutty, has a five-head, and is dumber than a box of hair extensions, but she cracks my butt up! I'm really hoping that poor little NY can find true love this season...and if she ever gets tired of "The Entertainer", I'd be more than happy to"entertain" him myself....I hear he sucks a toe like nobody else.....'mkay!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!



Happy Thanksgiving, Bitches!



...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Got Wax?

I know that this may offend some of you & you...but I simply must address this serious issue, and I can no longer remain silent...

Dear Madonna...your little clone's hormones are out of control. Lil Lourdes' mustache is thicker than mine!...and those brows?! Do your child a favor & pluck those caterpillars off of her forehead, before the teasing from her school chums becomes too much, and she lashes out and turns into Amy Winehouse. She does go to school, right?

Oh, I know, 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'...but I say screw the shit talkers who'll say what they will, if/when you finally take care of Lola's facial hair. You think they (we) ain't talking smack about it already?

Don't even get me started on her dandruff problem (snowflakes my ass!).






Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Girl, Get Nasty !


This past Sunday, I spent some time cruising the videos on XTube YouTube looking for something new, fresh, & fun-kay...and I'd like to share with you my recent discovery. Some of you may already know of Iowa's finest, as I'm always the last one to arrive to the party...anyhoo, check out Leslie Hall singing my new favorite jam for Fall 2007: "How We Go Out"...she kind of reminds me of Cazwell a little bit.






...





"Watch My Mouth" by Cazwell

...

Monday, November 19, 2007

Crouching Homo, Hidden Tempura

Oh Happy Day, the boss is away....btw, the boss shall herewith (forthwith? onward? do you give a shit?) be referred to as "Jerusalem Slim"...a coworker (the only one in this group I can bear) decided that he needed a code name (so that we could freely talk smack about him & not have to worry too much about it getting back to him) ....so I came up with "Slim", but he thought that to be too obvious, so he added "Jerusalem"....I'd say for no rhyme or reason, but actually, it does rhyme...kinda...so bite me!

Anyhoo...my entire work group thought that it'd be fun to take a 2 hour sushi lunch to celebrate the absence of Jerusalem Slim....I wasn't in the mood to hang out with this group of dullards, so I quickly 'remembered' that I already had a lunch date, "with a friend at a Mexican restaurant nearby"...it's too bad that they wanted Japanese today, 'cause I've been craving sushi for quite awhile now & they really got my crave going. My 'lunch date' turned out to be a little retail therapy at the local mall, where there was a sushi joint in the food court.....wheee!

You know, it's really pitiful that I felt like I had to "smuggle" my tempura plate back to my desk (I spent way too much time shopping & had to get my order to go). One of these days I'll grow up & simply state "no thanks", the next time I am asked to join them for lunch...."no thanks"...and no explanation needed (although, they WILL ask "but why not?").

So here I sit....clandestinely eating some really tasty skrimps, zucchini & sweet potatoes! I almost got caught wanking in the men's room with a shrimp tail in my hand by a nosey coworker who wanted to know "how my lunch date went". I really had to restrain myself from not shouting: "It was fantastic since you lot weren't there, draining my patience & sucking out any joy I was feeling"....but 'tis the season to be joyous & shit, so I maintained my cool & mentioned that "the margaritas were great!"....me so phony!

...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Thank God I'm Fabulous (or TGIF)

This week has just really sucked ass, and not in the way that I like...but it's Friday & I'm in an off-site training session for most of the day, so things are looking up.

So, here I sit, at he back of the room, doing naughty things like reading blogs & typing up this post (wheee)! Hope all of your weekends kick arse!

Hey Paul: Let's get our "chug" on!

I snatched the above pic from the mega-fabulous Rad Homo...check him out!

...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

All About The 80's

It's in the upper 80's today and that's just crazy! When is L.A. going to go back to normal and cool down??

So when I went to the mall during my lunch break, I wasn't too surprised to see so many people in shorts, t-shirts & flip-flops. However, I was surprised to see this guy hanging out in the food court, sporting an 80's Gay Clone look...you know what I'm talking about, right?...[crew cut, wife beater, 501's (he was wearing long, denim shorts), construction worker boots, scrunchy socks, bushy moustache, and a very worked out body]...now, picture a Cornish game hen stuffed into the crotch of his shorts....this man had a ginormous package bulging down the side of his leg...ay papi!

For being a man of a certain age, he honestly looked pretty damn good (I won't even mention the unnatural shade of auburn he dyed his hair)...yeah, ok...as outdated as his "look" was, he still looked kinda sexy & I have to admit that the package was a nice touch....BUT.....in the mall??....with kids & women around?? I think that he should've saved those shorts for somewhere a little bit more appropriate....like at the gym/the gay bars/bath houses/or maybe even hanging out on my street corner.

I'm always amazed at how some people maintain a certain look (that's clearly gone out of vogue) for ages....especially when it's a gay man living in L.A (or any other metropolis)...and here I was, questioning my decision whether or not I should move ahead with my plans to grow my hair out... long on one side, perming it & then cutting it in an asymmetrical angle...some of you remember that look, right?....hot...I know!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's All Billy's Fault


Ever since Billy mentioned the pumpkin loaf he got from Starbucks, I've been secretly obsessing over it for days. So today, I gave in to temptation and got me a slice. Oh Lordy, all 3,600 calories & 750 carbs were soooo worth it....I'm heading to the gym tonight to work some of it off, so I'm not feeling too guilty....and besides, I didn't eat the entire slice...

...See:




Monday, November 12, 2007

I Got My Hair Did

Jebus H. Fuckin Christmas!....I got a haircut on Saturday, and the bitch that has been doing my 'do (for nearly a year) fucked up royally...I get a haircut about every 3 weeks and I never have to tell her what to do & haven't been disappointed yet....until last Saturday that is. I knew she screwed up when I caught her in the mirror with that "oh shit, what do I do now to fix it?" look...I prayed that I had mistaken that look for the classic "Oh Crap...I have to fart, but I don't want this Fag to hear/smell me."

I wasn't wearing my glasses, so when she was done, she handed me a greasy mirror for my approval, and my blind ass thought that the hairdo was looking pretty fly...and then I got home & masturbated 3 times checked my look in the bathroom mirror & shrieked like a spoiled O.C. brat, who's been denied a Mercedes Benz on his Sweet 16th.

The sides of my hair are so short that my scalp is clearly visible (read: you can clearly see any & all zits through my wiry Latino hair). I also have a "step". I was going to post a pic, but I really can't afford anyone else (I have such lovely daughters) laughing at me....the worst part is that I tipped my stylist $10...oh, I know I'm overreacting & that the hair will grow back...I just hate looking like an asshole!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Pulling Back The Curtain

A long ass time ago, I was tagged by Synrgy & Jay to do a meme that revealed 5, or maybe it was 8 things about myself that no one really knows (I can't remember which, so you're getting 5)....sorry guys for the extreme procrastination, but here you go:

One
I used to be married...yes, to a woman for about 12 years. Oh, it's that classic, age-old story of high school sweet hearts falling in love, the slutty girl gets pregnant by a gay-boy-in-denial, they both become overwhelmed by the guilt & shame of bringing a child into this world to unwed parents, so they do the "right thing" and get married at the tender age of 22 & try to make it work.

To be honest, I did love her once upon a time...for many years in fact. I've known her since we were both 15...we grew up together...she was my first kiss/my first sexual experience. I witnessed the mental abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) that her mother put upon her. I wanted to rescue her from that awful existence. I swore that I would protect her from the demons of her past and take her away from all of that misery someday. So,when she got pregnant, I knew what I had to do. Her mom was a single mother and I saw how much she struggled just to make ends meet. I felt like it was my responsibility to help break this cycle. So we wed.

The first few years of our marriage were pretty good, actually. We were kids playing house, struggling to make the rent, but we got along ok. Then things began to change...for me especially. I could no longer deny my sexuality. I wanted to be with men, but I didn't want to cheat on my wife. She also wanted to be with other men, and didn't care about cheating on me...so she did. Eventually things got pretty bad & the marriage fell apart....we became roommates & only stayed together for as long as we did, due to financial reasons. In 2002, we split & divorced shortly after...luckily, the divorce was amicable & today we're on good terms.

Two
When I started this blog, I made the decision that this was going to be a venue where I would write all about me, me & me. I wasn't going to discuss my family or close friends (without their direct consent). My intention was to protect the innocent from being unwillingly or unknowingly put out there for all the world "to see"....but now I'm thinking that maybe it's time I re-evaluate that decision, especially in regards to discussing my immediately family. I have nothing to hide...I feel only love & pride when it comes to my family/home life.

So on that note, I'd like to share the fact that I've been blessed with two beautiful daughters... Lauren is 16 & Madison is 13 years old...Lauren is her mother's daughter (passive, artistic, sometimes shy, always kind, intelligent & self-less). Madison is definitely her father's daughter (outspoken, direct, gregarious, & tenacious as hell). With such differing personalities, they complement each other quite well.

Both of these gifts brighten my days, give me a purpose in this world, make my life worth living, and give me strength to keep fighting on, especially during those times when the darkness creeps in & all I want to do is to give in to it...I'm always amazed at the power that they (secretly) have over me. I'd do things for my girls that I'd do for no other...they've also brought out a self-less quality in me that I never knew existed....yes, I used to be a real selfish bastard...so stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be bragging about them from time to time here.

Three
My sense of smell is dead. To be more accurate, I have Hyposmia... a reduced ability to smell and to detect odors. I can only smell very few things in this world such as : gasoline, popcorn, garlic, coffee, a few spices, and sometimes I can even smell shit (FYI, I can smell "Bull-Shit"a mile away, so don't even try lying to me). What a nasty little trick Baby Jebus played on me by giving me a giant nose & making it nearly useless...oh, if you're ever in my presence and feel the need to fart, go for it & let 'er rip!....I won't complain....seriously.


Four
When I was a teen, I was in a band.....ok, it was my high school marching band & I played the trumpet for 4 years. I've lost that ability, as well as the ability to read music, although I do remember some kind of mnemonic device for reading music notes...something about Every Gay Boy Digs Fashion...and this one time, at band camp...

Five
I have two brothers (in their very early 20's) & two sisters (33 & 45 years old) ...I'm the 2nd oldest child.....quite an age range, no? I have a Lezzie sister & a homo brother....so that means that 60% of my parent's kids turned out Queer...wheeeee!. My brother got outed, when my Mom walked into his bedroom to drop off his laundry (spoiled brat), and caught him getting his freak on (with his trick of the week)....if memory serves, I think she temporarily went blind...poor Mama! My Lesbionic sister almost got married to a guy that was using her for her money...we had to smack down a family intervention on her delusional ass, to help her realize that he really was scum.

So there you go....5 little gems about little old me....now don't y'all feel even closer to me now?

...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Noche de Los Freaks

Last Saturday night, I went to Ripples in Long Beach...so much fun was had there, and I have to say that it was mainly due to some of the "performers"that showed up to personally entertain me. Here's a recap of what kept me giggling all night:

The Goth Couple
There comes a time, in every young Goth's life, when theblack hair dye, makeup, & vampire wardrobe all needs to be saved for Halloween. So when you're in your 30's, and haven't realized this fact of life yet, it just reads as sad...but there they were, in a gay bar, in full Gothic regalia no less....a male & female 30-something "couple". To get a visual on these 2, just picture you're basic Goth look, you know, he wore black pants, long sleeved black t-shirt, long jet-black hair....she was a vision in black in her floor length skirt, long sleeved shirt, club kid shoes, and fish net "gloves".....now, to complete that visual please add about 300 pounds to each of them.....yup...I hope describing this couple doesn't put me in a bad light or bring my integrity into question...I'm just trying to paint a picture here.

So the real fun started when this Hot Homo got up on the Lady Goth and started to grind on her lower stomach(s)...for a long time. Boy Goth was clearly not amused, said something to the Hottie, who in turn said something offensive to BG...and that's when BG grabbed his "girlfriend" by the hand, pulled her away from the dry humping she was getting & started to blubber about 2 feet away from me....so sad.

The Mexi-Freak
I see this same Latino guy around all the bars in Long Beach, and he always makes me feel a little dirty/disgusted for watching him dance. He spent most of the night bent over like the letter "r" wiggling his ass, dancing in a squatted position, staring down any guy that he caught gawking at him (including me)...yikes! It's one thing to freak another guy, but when you're doing that to a mirrored column, it really looks desperate...damn, save that for the privacy of your livingroom!

The Go-Go Dancer
Good Laaaawwdy...there he was up on the dance cube, looking like a porn star from the 80's...perfect hair, gorgeous face, amazing body without a hint of hair follicle on him...with a gigantic magic stick hanging out of his speedo, pointing south. His third leg was wrapped up in a home made "sock" that was flesh colored. From where I was standing, I thought it was a dildo hanging out of his chonies at first, but upon further inspection, I confirmed that it was him...all him....and boy was there a lot of him...ok, I'll stop now.

The Parking Lot Couple
I guess the Go-Go Dancer got a couple guys really turned on (besides me), and they just couldn't make it to a bed in time...in fact, they couldn't even make it all the way into their car. The driver was getting a nice blow job (I'm assuming he was enjoying it from all of the loud moaning he was doing), while the guy "giving" was on his knees (on the asphalt), with the front door wide open. Of course we had the good fortune of parking directly in front of them, but they didn't even pause when we had our headlights shining on them....Shameful!....but still a little hot!

Yeah, I'm still giggling!
...

Monday, November 5, 2007

Real Men Sew

Ok, so I'm probably going to shock you all by admitting that I loves me some Project Runway...it's true....and I'm counting the days 'til the start of the 4th season (Nov 14th).

Here are some of the guys (the one's that I think are hot anyway) on season 4 of Project Runway...there are 3 other guys & a bunch of chicks on the show as well, but really, I didn't deem them bed worthy enough to copy/paste their mugs here.




Rami (it's in his eyes), Jack (Hubba Hubba), & Marion (He's 39!!!)



Kevin (I loves me some Sicilian Sausage) & Ricky (graduated from my school ~ Cal State Univ Long Beach!)

Just a forewarning, if y'all try to contact me while the show's on, I ain't gonna answer the phone or the door.

Carry On!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

It's All About the 'Brow


I think next year for Hallowe'en I'm going to dress up as a Starbuck drinkin Chola.

All I need is a Sharpie Pen, a wig, face makeup (5 shades lighter than the skin on my neck), and some baggy clothes...these bitches is fierce, and each one can probably kick my ass & not spill a drop of coffee doing it.

Represent!