Saturday, December 29, 2007
Today is my blog's 1st birthday! I am expecting expensive gifts from each and every one of my readers...get to shopping bitches...and don't even think about re-gifting me any Christmas present rejects that you're all just waiting to pawn off.
Seriously, I can't believe that it's already been a year! Blogging has become a very cheap, addictive, creative, expressive form of therapy for me, and I love the unexpected benefit of all of the new friendships that I've made via blogging...now if only I can find a way to make some money blogging, without giving in to the advertisers...kidding...sort of.
To help celebrate the anniversary, I treated this clever fool to a cupcake.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
As we've all gotten older, we found it necessary to change it up a bit. This year, I decided to give my mom a day off from the kitchen, so I treated my immediate family to Christmas Eve dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants here in Long Beach, Cafe Piccolo. After dinner, we walked the canals in Naples, to check out how the wealthy in Long Beach decorated their homes. We showed up at the right time, as there was a group of carolers strolling the canals. Some of the gondoliers were in the singing mood too.
Then we came home to drink champagne, eat way too many Christmas cookies, cheeses, cakes, a yule log "cake" thing with a lot of marzipan mushrooms on it that must've been 4,000 calories per slice (my neighbor dropped it off), and 3 different types of pies (I tasted all 3), and then we finally opened up gifts.
I like this "slimmed down" version of celebrating X-mas, as it just felt so much more relaxed (read: none of the crazy relatives came over to get drunk & ruin the day)...however, I must've had one too many glasses of bubbly, as I foolishly volunteered to make dinner next year...funny how quickly Mommy Dearest agreed to that suggestion.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I need to befriend this couple immediately...and I want to be invited to their damn Christmas party too...they may be missing a few dozen ornaments by the time my jealous ass leaves, but hey, they have 10,000 ornaments...26 trees in a two-bedroom home??!!...26!!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is
all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"
Oh, and speaking of Victoria, here's a recent pic of her during a concert in London. Notice how her back tits are falling out of her top...I know it, she's such a fat ass! If David were mine, I'd make sure that my back tits always stayed within my shiny metallic gold dominatrix disco bustier halter top.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
During my lunch break today, I drove to Target in Pico Rivera (heavily Latino populated area of L.A.), when I noticed these 2 guys, driving a raised Escalade, in the lane to the left of me. They were looking over (down) at me & sort of smiling...that's when I knew that they had just recognized me for the celeb that I am. I smiled back & threw them the head nod.
Then, as the light changed & I started to make my right hand turn, the guy in the passenger seat leaned out the window, still smiling, and shouted: "Faggot!". I didn't have time to react, as I rounded the corner...and besides, how should I have responded to that factual & accurate statement? Maybe yelled back: "homophobic closet case!"?
To be honest, I was a little surprised, because today I look like shit & don't necessarily think I "look gay "(oh, you know what I mean...I'm sorry, but gay usually does have a "look"). Today, I have 2 days worth of facial hair, my hair is all jacked up, I'm wearing a dark blue button down shirt, and baggy khakis (think: Gap's clearance section)...now yesterday was a much different look. I looked tres gay in my athletic fit cowboy style shirt (that looks pretty good on me when I suck in the gut), a pair of "modern fit" (to enhance the package & booty) pants, along with some pointy shoes...yeah, I looked pretty fruity yesterday.
I just realized that today was the first time in my life that anyone's ever "reminded me" that I'm a Big 'Mo...Oh well...so much for being recognized...maybe I'm only a legend in my living room...[le sigh]!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Now it finally feels/looks like Christmas at my house. I can't really show any more pics of the rest of the house, as there are many, many empty boxes & tissue laying all about my kitchen & living room...and no one needs to see that!
Monday, December 10, 2007
This afternoon, an internal auditor at work "interviewed" me for about an hour, over some financial reporting questions he had. The guy was early 30's, tall, blonde, had the greenest eyes I've ever seen, and looked like he just finished a photo shoot for the cover of "The Beautiful People" magazine....and on top of that, he was British....aww, how I love a British accent! ...some of you know where this is going, right?
As hot as this man was, there was something about him that really bugged me...and it bugged me mainly because it caused my boner to diminish perpetuated yet another stereotype...this oh-so-handsome man had some really jacked up teeth!
What's up with Brits having bad teeth? Especially British celebs? According to a survey carried by BriteSmile, the teeth-brightening company, celebrities from Great Britain have the worst teeth in the world....a few examples are Ozzy Osbourne, Spice Girl Melanie C, Tony Blair, Vivienne Westwood, and who could forget Austin Powers' chompers?
I dunno...maybe it's drinking all of that sugared tea that the English are so fond of, or eating all of that poppycock & bollocky bangers that's to blame for their mangled teeth...they do have such naughty names for food...oh oh...boner's back!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
I bought our Christmas tree!! On Sunday, we made our annual trip to the Snowy Pines tree lot, in Long Beach, and quickly spotted the tree above...it had just been unloaded from the truck, so I asked the nearest tree lot employee to unwrap it & shake it for me...the tree, not his ass...It was still a little wet (like me), so I know that it's fresh & will make it to Valentines Day, like all of the other past trees have.
To be honest, I felt like I settled...sort of. The tree I really wanted was the 7.5 foot noble fir I spotted near the entrance, but at a price tag of $100, I decided to "look around". To be even more honest, I do love this tree, and at $40, I love it even more....which is kind of ironic, because for $100, I love you long time...but I digress!
So, the tree has been hosed down, watered, and given time for it's brances to settle, but I haven't had the energy to slap on the lights/decorations yet. I'll get around to that Monday after work...speaking of work, I've been toying with the idea of calling in sick tomorrow. It wouldn't be a complete lie, as I am feeling a little queasy right now.
The girls & I decided to do a test run of baking Christmas cookies (Martha Stewart's sugar cookies), and I have to say that they turned out pretty good...I only burned a few. I played the rolls of supervisor/oven doorman/official taster, and after tasting about 3 cookies (read: I lost count after 10), all of that sugar has given me tummy bubbles! I do loves me some royal icing, but maybe there was no need to actually lick the bowl(s) clean.
Stay tuned for pics of the fully decorated tree.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
What that means to me is me removing hair from the sink basin (before it gets stuck going down the drain), drying my face off with towels that have little "surprises" tucked into the folds of the towel, as well as me having to sweep up renegade hair from the bathroom floor, even after a "please go sweep up the hair that you've got laying all about the bathroom floor"command has been issued & "swept up" by my little Fashionista.
My bathroom sink recently got a nasty clog in it. I thought I could fix this little problem myself, so I loosened the J-trap, and watched in disgust as the stank water poured into the bucket below....I nearly gagged when some of the water splashed into my open mouth...disgusting! Then something really nasty happened....this wad of hair sloooowly began to descend from the pipe. It was so nasty looking. It was teardrop shaped & glossy, with what appeared to have been hair gel, tooth paste, semen, and various bits of debris tangled up in it. It just hung in the open space between the pipe's end & the bucket below...taunting me.
It reminded me of a scene from the movie Alien. It was at this point that I started to gag....the sight of it glistening & twisting slowly above the foul water was grossing me out. Maddie, (my youngest), heard me gagging & walked into the restroom to see what was up. The moment she stepped through the doorway she screamed "it smells like something died in here" and then ran off...(bless her!)....Thankfully, the little alien life form dropped into the bucket below, without any assistance from me. So I reattached the pipes, ran some water and then flipped out once the water began to backup again!
That clog remover stuff you buy at the grocery store is crap....what a waste of $7.00. So I called in the big guns....that's right, sulphuric acid. That magic potion took care of the clog in no time at all....oh sure, I can no longer produce any more offspring, due to inhaling some of the toxic fumes, but as Martha always says: "That's a Good thing!"
My only regret is that I didn't get a pic of the hair wad before I threw it over the fence, into my neighbor's yard.....I know it...I'm such a bad blogger!