Monday, April 21, 2008

Ding-Dong!

Saturday morning I was woken (awoken?, waked? awaken? your place or mine?) by the annoying sound of the doorbell...at the ungodly hour of 8:00 am...did I mention that it was Saturday morning and I am NOT a morning person.

[Sidebar]: Why is it that (a slight) panic always washes over me when I hear the doorbell ring or a knock at the door? It's as if the Truth Police have finally tracked me down and have come to collect me for all of the lies/phoning it in/half-truths I've committed throughout my fagulous life...I just don't understand this nonsense.

Anyhoo...about a full minute after the doorbell rang, there's a knock on the door...[gasp! they're still out there!]... I peek out my bedroom window (which faces the street), and what I see standing on the front porch scares the hell out of me...Jehovah's Witnesses.

Another minute passes and they are still standing on the porch. It's too early in the morning for my usual smart ass antics. I just don't have the energy that early in the morning to have a little fun with them, so I do not throw open the door wearing only my underwear & an erection...nor do I pay tribute to one of my Mama's old tricks of getting down on all fours and barking like a dog (behind the closed door of course)...I'm not shitting you, my Mom used to do this whenever we had Jehovah's pay us a visit, and it made them leave every time...I take that back, there was one exception...she got called out on her "barking" by a JH that said: "nice try, Sir".

So, I waited until they finally moved on to their next victim before I got out of bed & took care of that erection made breakfast.

...

16 comments:

Silly Billy said...

Ahhh, Springtime. The Jehovah's were around my hood too this weekend.

Big Daddy said...

I was a latch-key kid, so anyone knocking on my door unsolicited freaks me out.

Mr. Shain said...

i lived (briefly) next to a jehovah's witness temple/church/compound in newport but none of them EVER came over! i was a little sad i wasn't worth saving.

Gary said...

What would you do if I came knocking on your door at 8:00 in the morning I wonder. Would you be kind or oh so cruel?

Hamilton said...

what do they want from you?i don't think I have ever seen one before

TCho said...

omg. i can't believe your mom used to do that! Lol

Projekt R3volution said...

The mormon guys on bikes used to come to my apartment a lot and want to "talk" to me about the lord. I'm not big on organized religion cause I feel like its been forced down my throat at times. Thankfully being gay works to my advantage. A quick "I'm gay and probably going to hell for it" tends to send them on their merry little way.

cb said...

Nothing better than answering the door for the JH's with a surly "Jesus Fucking CHRIST- do you know what time it is??"

and then following up with, "I'll tell you what time it is. Its time for you to get THE FUCK off my porch, bitches!"

Alex said...

Your story reminded me of something. A couple years back on a Saturday morning, early of course, there were a couple of Jehovah Witnesses at my door. I saw who they were through a window, so I went and told my sister that her BF was at the door. She runs off, and ends up trapped talking to them for like 20 minutes, while I am in the other room laughing my ass off. She was not amused, but it made my day!

Romach said...

I am not a morning person myself. I have never thought of opening the door to the JW sporting nothing only an erection! I love to hbave fun with them too. And now you have just given me and idea for having more fun with them.

Lewis said...

I think you should have invited them in to help you take care of that erection.....NO, wait.....that's the Mormon's that send out the cute young boys......

Mark in DE said...

MAN, am I ever glad the Jehovah's Witnesses kicked me out when I came out! Otherwise that could have been me on your front porch. (Gulp)

I totally think next time you should answer the door with your morning woody and watch them faint.

Mark :-)

Michael Guy said...

Maybe God is trying to tell you something, Christopher.

Not with the Jehovah's...hell no...I meant with the morning woodie. Just saying.

Oh. Any knock at the door and I freeze in my tracks. That's what I learned from MY mom.

Christopher said...

Billy: you mean to tell me they're EVERYWHERE??!!

Mr Shain: In Bellflower, there was a Jehovah's house/temple that was the most gawdy looking thing I've ever seen...there were mirroed balls, mirrored mosaics all over the front lawn, as well as every type of lawn ornament ever created...as a kid, it looked like a fun house, so I used to beg my folks to let me check it out...they never did...thankfully.

Gary: If you came a knocking, I'd hide my boner and make you some pancakes!

Hamilton: they want to swallow your soul!

cb: Oh, how I wish you were my room mate!

Alex: hahaha...I love it!

Lewis: I hear you on them Mormon boys!

Romach: I'm sure you and E can find "other" ways to mess with the JW's!

Mark: I had no idea you used to be "one of 'em"!

M Guy: Damn...now I have that song (from The Color Purple) stuck in my head!

franck said...

Isn't funny how door bells only ring when you have a hard on?

Greg said...

Thank goodness, our apartment building has a gate that is impervious to Jehovah's Witnesses...