Monday, September 8, 2008

Minor Morning Scare

When I schlepped my unenthusiastic carcass into my cubicle this morning, I was surprised to find that my laptop was missing from it's docking station. In its place was a note from my manager that read:

Chris, come see me about your computer.

My heart sank & my gut wrenched (and I farted). Was I being fired and this was the company's way of being subtle about it?

I started to paint all kinds of scenarios in my head for why they'd get rid of me this way...was it for all of the Internet/blog cruising that I get done each day? Was it because my workload is almost nonexistent? Were my coworkers too intimidated/distracted by my internal beauty, that they weren't able to get their own work assignments completed? I wasn't able to come up with anything that didn't sound desperately ridiculous...

Then I thought about how I'd react, if I was being canned.... should I fall to my knees and cry like a baby?....should I pull the gay card and scream (in a really nelly voice) that I was being discriminated against and threaten legal action (and Gloria Allred)? Should I try to take others down with me, by telling lies that they steal toilet paper, Windex, and paper? Should I go Psycho Bitch and destroy my boss' desk, sending piles of neatly stacked paper everywhere, as well as ripping his precious vintage movie posters off of his office walls? mind was racing with all of these crazy thoughts !

I just couldn't be sacked...I've been working steady since I was 16 years old, and since that time, I've only been out of work for 2 weeks straight. (I was fired for stealing toilet paper, Windex, and paper)...just kidding...such a kidder, this one!

I took a few cleansing breaths, grew a pair, and then walked into my boss' office. Turns out that all of that stressing out was for nothing. I forgot to lock down my laptop on Friday, and when my boss came in to work over the weekend, he did a random check to see if there were any unlocked laptops...I was the only fool that didn't lock down his machine (D'oh!).

I got a mild hand slapping, but I'm still employed...wheeeeeeeeee!


Leonardo D'Cato said...

I know exactly how you feel. My boss does the same thing. He calls out my name, freaking me out. Then he'll just ask some bland question about computers and stuff, very elementary comp stuff. Totally nothing to do with my work. Why do they do that?!?

Big Daddy said...

I hate it when my boss IM's me 'Have a second'?

That request usually involves a closed door discussion.

Luckily, she hasn't done that in a while.

A Lewis said...

I thought for sure it was the pornography searching (under the guise of blog reading) that you've been doing at work.

David Dust said...

I'm so glad you still have your job.

BTW, could you score me some toilet paper and Windex?...


Donnie v2.0 said...

*Whew* atta boy!

Mark in DE said...

Loved the way you told this story! I could picture it, and image myself going through the same mental gynmastics.

Mark :-)

Anonymous said...

You forgot "make melodramatic speech promising unspecified acts of retribution, then be escorted out by security."

Romach said...

I giggled the whole way through that post, you have such a funny way with words. I would love to call you into my office and give you a good ole dressing down ;-)

J. David Zacko-Smith said...

Darlin' try unemployment - there's nothing like it (I LOVED it for so many reasons). ;-) I mean, you can't LIVE that way, but NOT WORKING is something everyone should experience BEFORE retirement.

Chris said...

Bravo! That was classic paranoia. We must be related.

Christopher said...

Leo: It's a power trip.

BD: A closed door "discussion" huh?

Lewis: sadly all of the good web sites are blocked here at work.

David: for you, I'll gladly score you some triple-ply TP.

Erik: I've gotta try that one of these days, preferabbly just before I retire.

Romach: dressing down? Oh My!

JDZS: I'd got nuts not working!

Chris: We 2 are 1

Romach said...

@Chris yes dressing down, is a polite Irish way of ripping your clothes off ;-)