When I schlepped my unenthusiastic carcass into my cubicle this morning, I was surprised to find that my laptop was missing from it's docking station. In its place was a note from my manager that read:
Chris, come see me about your computer.
My heart sank & my gut wrenched (and I farted). Was I being fired and this was the company's way of being subtle about it?
I started to paint all kinds of scenarios in my head for why they'd get rid of me this way...was it for all of the Internet/blog cruising that I get done each day? Was it because my workload is almost nonexistent? Were my coworkers too intimidated/distracted by my internal beauty, that they weren't able to get their own work assignments completed? I wasn't able to come up with anything that didn't sound desperately ridiculous...
Then I thought about how I'd react, if I was being canned.... should I fall to my knees and cry like a baby?....should I pull the gay card and scream (in a really nelly voice) that I was being discriminated against and threaten legal action (and Gloria Allred)? Should I try to take others down with me, by telling lies that they steal toilet paper, Windex, and paper? Should I go Psycho Bitch and destroy my boss' desk, sending piles of neatly stacked paper everywhere, as well as ripping his precious vintage movie posters off of his office walls? ....my mind was racing with all of these crazy thoughts !
I just couldn't be sacked...I've been working steady since I was 16 years old, and since that time, I've only been out of work for 2 weeks straight. (I was fired for stealing toilet paper, Windex, and paper)...just kidding...such a kidder, this one!
I took a few cleansing breaths, grew a pair, and then walked into my boss' office. Turns out that all of that stressing out was for nothing. I forgot to lock down my laptop on Friday, and when my boss came in to work over the weekend, he did a random check to see if there were any unlocked laptops...I was the only fool that didn't lock down his machine (D'oh!).
I got a mild hand slapping, but I'm still employed...wheeeeeeeeee!