Monday, March 31, 2008
I had a sudden flashback to a summer memory from my preteen years. I was locking up my beloved cherry-red Schwinn beach cruiser at my local public swimming pool. As I was wrapping the chain through the front tire, a guy sitting on the grass nearby (with 3 other losers) yelled at me to "lock that bike up real good boy, cuz it might not be there when you get done swimming."
When I finished my swimming session, I noticed that he wasn't BS'ing me, My bike was gone....well, most of it. In my ignorance, I only locked up the front tire, so all the guy had to do was detach the tire from the frame and he had a nearly new bike. I froze in place when I saw the locked tire. I was too embarrassed to walk any where near the bike rack, so I walked home...crying most of the way. I remember getting yelled at by my father when I told him what had happened. I remember yelling back at him that I had paid for the bike with the money I earned from mowing lawns and that he had no reason to yell at me. I also remember the slap that I got for yelling at him.
*** End of Flashback ***
A few moments later, my body is awash in embarrassment. I feel extremely foolish. I feel somewhat senile, but mostly I feel relieved....why, you ask...it's because at that glorious moment, I remembered that I moved my car at lunch, and there she sat in the middle of the parking lot.
Hmm...the joys (?!) of getting older.
Shut up, I can hear you all snickering...bitches!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
My Baby Daddy tagged me with a meme so here's my shot at it. Warning: my take is pretty silly...nothing cerebral about this post, but that's just where my head is today....up in the clouds!
1. Pick a single person, past or present, in the film industry who you'd like to have dinner with, and tell us why you chose this person.
- Jason Statham...because he is my celebrity crush du jour...I am in love with this man's physical appearance (and husky voice), and he makes the kinds of movies I'd star in...if I had his bod & martial arts skills.
2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details.
- I would treat Jason to dinner at Yamashiro in Hollywood. I'd dress him up in a black & sheer shirt from International Male (top 3 buttons undone), paired with low-rise, black velvet tuxedo pants, and finished off with a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes (oh, ho-nay... he'd be looking all kinds of homo)...I'd be dressed a bit more conservative: black flat front slacks, paired with a crisp white cotton dress shirt, black leather sandals (I've got summer on my mind).
- We'd start off with sashimi and then work our way up to surf & turf....many drinks would be, um, drinked (drank?, drunk?)...my foot would "accidentally" caress his inner thigh many, many, many times throughout dinner....oops, I'm digressing...onto the next question.
3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.
- 1. You were an Olympic Diver on the British National Diving Team (finished 12th in the World Championships in 1992)...if acting didn't work out for you, would you still be pursuing this?
- 2. Are the rumors true about a Transporter 3 movie & another Italian Job movie?
- 3. Would you be down with helping me make an "I'm f*cking Jason Statham" video....Jason, please bear in mind that this will require you to be nude & aroused during most of the video...for artistic value?
- 4. You used to me a model ...so, why can't I find any nakey pics of you online?
- 5. If I were to tell you that I was dying a slow death, would you help me fulfill a lifelong quest to recreate the oiled up fight scene from The Transporter?
Lazy Eye Theatre, so that people know the mastermind behind this meme.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I am interested in what Paul's results will be...I swear he's a closeted southern boy...every now and again he'll slip his wang a drawl out...but he'll deny this and spank me with his wang just say: "I aint got no accent!"
|What American accent do you have? |
Your Result: The Midland
"You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
|The Inland North|
|What American accent do you have?|
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I had to tell my boss a (white) lie when he asked me what was wrong. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. A "killer sinus headache" sounds so much more dignified than the truth: I've got the shizzles and I'm afraid that I'd crap my pants, while driving in to work.
Here's another confession: I loves me some Pepto Bismol...mmm...tasty....but I must've become immune to the stuff, because it just didn't shut the flood gates down. So much of my morning was spent on the pot, whispering desperate prayers to the Little Baby Jebus for help.
I finally felt like a fully functioning human around 1:00 pm, so I showered, ate a sammy, and then went to a local photo shop to have my pic taken for my passport. I was surprisingly happy with the way the pic turned out (I only saw one chin), and within 5 minutes I was on my way to my next stop, the Downtown Long Beach post office, to drop off my passport paperwork....what a nightmare!
The passport window was severely understaffed. They have 4 windows, but only one clerk was working yesterday. At 2:00 pm, an announcement was made that at 3:00 pm, numbers would be handed out to 8 people and anyone beyond the 8th person would have to return another day.
I started to stress out & get anxious that I spent all this time in line for nothing...I was getting visions of the 3 o'clock hour, where I'd be the 9th fool in line...I saw me losing my cool and falling to the floor in a spasmodic seizure, speaking in tongues, and then being forcibly thrown out onto the pavement, still convulsing...but all that praying in the morning actually did me some good....I was Lucky #8.
The clerk was happy, grateful even, with the thoroughness of my application, and she was finished with me in about 10 minutes...there was one little problem. The pictures that I just had taken would most likely be rejected by the passport processing agency. My glasses were casting shadows under my eyes and that is a big no-no. I didn't see it, but the clerk did & she offered to retake my pic (no charge). I had to pose in a seriously unflattering position to prevent any glare/shadows. So basically my new pic is creepy looking....I have my chin(s) smashed into my chest, while I'm looking up at the camera...uggh!
I really don't care now....only a handful of people will ever see that pic...London & Paris, here I come (May 2008)!
Friday, March 21, 2008
- I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, and now I'm afraid to lift my arms.
- When no one's looking, I like to drink milk/soda/juice straight from the carton.
- I love to watch really bad Kung-Fu movies....the kind with poorly dubbed English voice overs.
- I want to learn how to sew...on a sewing machine, so that I can expand my wardrobe for pennies on the dollah!
- I like to pee sitting down.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I went back to peeping my neighbor & his dog, to make sure that he shitt leaves when they do. The dog finished his business, the owner reaches into his back pocket, I feel relief wash over me, the guy scratches his ass cheek, turns and walks away. Oh, Hell to the Naw! I ran into the kitchen to grab some plastic bags for the guy to use, throw on a pair of shorts & a t-shirt, run out the front door, only to find that they are gone. I walked up to the street corner, but discover that they are completely out of sight.
So I leave the poo on the front lawn. It's on the narrow strip that's close to the street anyway. Besides, the gardeners will be here in a couple days...they can deal with it. A few hours later, I went out to get something for lunch, and that's when I noticed that the poo is gone. Either the dog owner went home, fetched a bag, and walked back to pick up the shit (highly unlikely) or one of my neighbors felt bad and trashed the crap for me. I have such nice neighbors....
There are exceptions...
If you live in the Belmont Heights/Bluff Heights areas of Long Beach, be aware of this freak show that walks the streets. There's this tall, skinny, redneck (forgive that racist remark, there was no other way to put it) that walks around carrying a bucket. I've seen him many times washing store front windows....or harassing strangers.
As I walked past him once, he turned around and practically yelled at me: "Sup dude?!!"....the next time I saw this guy, he was walking across the street from me and then I heard him yell: "What the f*ck you looking at faggot!"....I turned, assuming the Crane style Kung-Fu fighting stance, but saw that he wasn't yelling at me, but was yelling at a guy that was a few feet in front of him. His victim quickly crossed the street, but Le Freak continued to scream at him. He went berserk and was screaming all kinds of craziness. He was beating his chest and threatening the guy's life saying that "he'd kill all faggots in Long Beach".
The next time I saw him (about 2 weeks ago), I heard him yelling at a couple of guys across the street from him. He was calling them the "N" word and telling them to get out of "his town". The guys that he was yelling at were a couple of muscled out Samoan guys that were calling him out on his threats. I thought that he was finally going to be taught a lesson by these guys, but the freak kept on walking AWAY from them, continuing to yell out all kinds of obscenities.
I'm hoping that his punk-ass is currently sitting a jail cell with a very well-endowed, horny man that's teaching him just who the faggot is now.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Hint: It's a biological female with a size 11 foot, that I feel is completely worthless and should be relocated to some obscure land where all cameras/video recorders do not exist.
The first person to correctly guess who this foot belongs to will get a pic of my twig and berries !
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Mister Star Jones & Miss Al Reynolds are calling it quits after 3 1/2 years. Tabloids are reporting that "They hadn’t been seeing eye to eye for months and had already spent a great deal of time apart," Poor Gay Al got served his walking papers at the end of January. A friend of the couple told the National Enquirer: "Star decided it was over. She told Al at the end of January that he had 30 days to get his act together or ‘get out.’"
Monday, March 10, 2008
I didn't so shit over the weekend. Sure, there was laundry that got washed and the weekly food shopping got done, but in between those 2 thrill rides not much else.
The real shame of not doing anything is that the weather was just perfect...and I stayed in all weekend.
Boo! I want a do-over.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Six U.S. dates have been announced for the Yaz Reconnected Tour, but I'm really only interested in 2.....unless someone's generous heart wants to comp me airfare/hotel stay/ticket for the NYC show(s)....
Jul 07 - Oakland, CA - Paramount Theatre
Jul 10 - Los Angeles, CA - Orpheum Theatre
Jul 11 - Los Angeles, CA - Orpheum Theatre
Jul 14 - Chicago, IL - Chicago Theatre
Jul 16 - New York, NY - Terminal 5
Jul 17 - New York, NY - Terminal 5
Tickets go on sale this Friday via Ticketmaster.