Beauty is Pain

Shoe Porn: Little Chinese Slippers!

Foot Porn: Mangled Chinese Foot!

Wrap it Tight, Betch!

Tighter!...Tighter!...Tuck them toes & bind that shit!

Now, work the street & don't come back til you've made the rent!

Is April Over Yet?

Last Wednesday, while driving home, my car broke down on the 605 Freeway. I was nearly home when the engine made a strange sound...sorta like a small tree branch getting tossed under a lawn mower...then the power just dropped and I coasted to the right hand side emergency lane. I'm so proud that I kept my shit together and didn't scream or panic, as semi trucks sped dangerously close to me.

I had to have my car towed from my house to the dealer the following morning. It turns out that the timing belt broke and damaged the pistons and valves. My car has been in the shop since Thursday...and it's just sitting there. The service department isn't able to start the repairs, until the extended warranty service company decides whether or not they're going to authorize repairs (due to the amount of miles on the car, the standard warranty is voided and the extended warranty comes into play). Since the damage to the engine was extensive, an inspector from the extended warranty company paid a visit to the dealer late Friday afternoon to look for signs of abuse/neglect.

Besides car problems, I've also have had to deal with family members getting sick, workplace B.S., and a whole bunch of other personal crap involving friends and family.

This month sucks zitty, hemorrhoid laden, parasite infested, dirty, filthy ASS big time, and I can't wait for it to be over.

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Phoning It In Friday

So much cray-ap going on in my life right now, that I don't have time to write up a proper post...so here's a pretty picture to tide y'all over!

Drag Queen Crying

Drag Queens Running

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Dreamy Dreams

I have many reoccurring dreams...usually, they're unpleasant. There is one unpleasant dream in particular that I've been having since I was a kid. A few nights back, I dreamt of The Child Catcher again. The Child Catcher used to scare the hell outta me.

I have no idea why I'm still dreaming about this freak (as an adult) or what triggered my subconscious to have this nightmare invade my beauty sleep.

In case you've never seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang you may not know of whom I speak. ...I found this video on YouTube, so take a peek at what I dream about:

Ding-Dong!

Saturday morning I was woken (awoken?, waked? awaken? your place or mine?) by the annoying sound of the doorbell...at the ungodly hour of 8:00 am...did I mention that it was Saturday morning and I am NOT a morning person.

[Sidebar]: Why is it that (a slight) panic always washes over me when I hear the doorbell ring or a knock at the door? It's as if the Truth Police have finally tracked me down and have come to collect me for all of the lies/phoning it in/half-truths I've committed throughout my fagulous life...I just don't understand this nonsense.

Anyhoo...about a full minute after the doorbell rang, there's a knock on the door...[gasp! they're still out there!]... I peek out my bedroom window (which faces the street), and what I see standing on the front porch scares the hell out of me...Jehovah's Witnesses.

Another minute passes and they are still standing on the porch. It's too early in the morning for my usual smart ass antics. I just don't have the energy that early in the morning to have a little fun with them, so I do not throw open the door wearing only my underwear & an erection...nor do I pay tribute to one of my Mama's old tricks of getting down on all fours and barking like a dog (behind the closed door of course)...I'm not shitting you, my Mom used to do this whenever we had Jehovah's pay us a visit, and it made them leave every time...I take that back, there was one exception...she got called out on her "barking" by a JH that said: "nice try, Sir".

So, I waited until they finally moved on to their next victim before I got out of bed & took care of that erection made breakfast.

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Two For Tuesday

I've got nothing today. My brain took the day off...I'm hoping it returns soon. In the meantime, here's a funny pic I saw on the internets this morning.

Here's my favorite pic of Hillary...photoshopped? maybe...Rockin' the pearls? Hells yeah!

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Hot Child In The City

The weather in L.A. this weekend was unusually summer-like...Temps soared into the mid 90's, and I melted into a puddle of salty water...I'm really not a "summer person", so I spent most of Saturday bitching-n-moaning. The trick to keeping your house cool is to close all of the windows, doors, and curtains/blinds. I hate doing this. When I'm at home, I love to have everything opened up. It's a Long Beach thang...really it is. I love walking my neighborhood and being able to peek into my neighbor's homes, you know, to see who has the best home entertainment system, who's made yet another decorating mistake, who's walking around the house naked...yeah, I'm nosey like that.

The heat turns me into a cranky bastard. For example, I did a little grocery shopping Saturday afternoon, and as I was walking back to my car, I noticed a bum in the parking lot begging for a money. I stealthily made my way back to my car, unnoticed...or so I thought. As I was loading the groceries into the back of my car, I hear a sheepish voice behind me begging my pardon. [...F*ck!...now I have to deal with this mess] I turned around and cut the guy off saying: "I can't help you out", then went back to loading the bags. This pisses the homestead-challenged guy off and he shouts at me: "God Bless You, Sir!".....ok, now I'm pissed off....how dare he call me "sir"!! Why is that bums always use "God Bless You" as a guilt trip? Did he think that I was going to change my mind after hearing that and offer him a twenty? What it really made me want to do was to pitch him into the back of his shopping cart and push it into oncoming traffic...I'm kidding, such a kidder this one!

I escaped my hot house Saturday night by going to see...Run Fat Boy Run. It's a silly & fun movie (with a couple of touching moments...sniff sniff!)) starring one of my new favorite comedic actors, Simon Pegg (from Shaun of the Dead & Hot Fuzz fame). The only disappointment in this movie was that Nick Frost, Simon's frequent costar (and real life best friend) wasn't in the movie. My favorite line from the movie is: "I'm not fat, I'm unfit"....Oh, how I can relate to that!

It's cooled down a little bit today...today's high temperatures are in the low 80's....and tomorrow it's only supposed reach the high 60's...now, that's my kind of weather!

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Cheetah Girls

Jocelyn Wildenstein and Joan Rivers....separated at birth?

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Mama Don't Play That!

Tough love is what this country needs more of...it's unreal what you see & hear kids getting away with nowadays...sometimes I feel like smacking a kid, when I see him/her disrespecting their parents in public, and all that gets said is "do you need a time out?"...ok, maybe the parent should be slapped for handing over control.

My folks were always sneaky about putting a beat down on me (in public). For example, if we were at a department store, and I was acting a fool, my Mom would have an urgent need for me to try a shirt on, in the dressing room where no one could see us...it only took one of those 'lessons' for me to learn how NOT to act in public.

You just know that the teen in the pics above is hating his mama right about now, but someday he'll thank her for it....go mama!!

Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?

4. Meow occasionally.

5. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

6. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

7. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

8. Say "Ding" at each floor.

9. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

17. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

18. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

19. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

20. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

23. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

24. Do Tai Chi exercises

25. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

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In Local News...

So last night, as I'm heading home from the gym, I decide to pop into my local convenience store to pick up some water....I was looking a wreck, but didn't care...what are the chances of running into someone that I know, right? Picture me...looking like this: flush-faced, sweaty, wearing a ratty, bleach stained t-shirt, a pair of raggedy shorts, and a pair of cross trainers that look like they've been run over by a steam roller....this is my usual gym gear, nice right?

As I'm fingering the cupcakes, debating on whether or not I can justify purchasing a pack, (since I just lost 400 calories on the elliptical machine after all), I hear a man standing next to me say: " Hi Christopher"......[Oh shit]....so I turn to look at who wants my autograph, and I have no idea who this handsome man before me is. Turns out that it's Jason, a reader of my blog who recognized me and had plenty of nice things to say about my writing. Jason's been thinking about starting his own blog and I told him to just do it....I hope he does.

It's so nice to be recognized this way and not like this...I only wish I would've been showered & properly dressed...[le gay sigh!]

Thanks for the kind words Jason, you should know I eat that stuff up!....now start your damn blog already!!

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Hispanic At The Disco !

Last Friday, I took Mary, my favorite Lesbian, out for drinks & dancing. Mary's been going through a rough patch in her life lately and needed some cheering up. When Mary said that she wanted to get her drink & dance on..."with her people", I was afraid that I'd be dragged to some Lezbo bar, that only served beer and "dancing" really meant slam dancing...Lucky for me it meant Circus Disco in Hollywood.

Circus is a HUGE club with 4 "rooms" that play different types of music in each. I hadn't been to Circus in years, so I was really surprised to see all of the changes they've made. Since I'm not a fan of Musica Latina or drag shows (in Spanish), we spent most of our time in the large room (which plays house & Top 40).

I'd say that the population here is at least 90% Latino....so I was a little surprised to see that the Caucasian go-go boy, sporting long board shorts (who had a semi-muscular body), was making the most money! Yes, the white guy was cute & had a decent body, but his dancing was basically the standard 2 step (with a few thrusts thrown in), and he wasn't even showing bulge or booty.....now as for the other 2 go-go boys: those 2 left nothing to the imagination & they were working it like the rent was due yesterday.

The highlight of the evening was when Mary tipped one of the go-go boys, he peeled down his chonies & showed her what he was working with, to which she shouted: "I haven't seen one of those in over 20 years....are they all that big ?!"

Buy My Love

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So I did a little online window shopping today, and I found a watch that I'd like someone to buy for me:

The Grand Saxonia from A. Lange & Söhne
Starts at $21,000 for white gold with crocodile band (as shown)
Web site: alange-sohne.com

I love this watch. It screams of good taste (and whispers "I'm better than you"), but how can anyone justify paying this much for a watch? Well, I guess if you have to ask that question, then you (I) just can't afford it.


Wonder if I can get this on Ebay? Or better yet, maybe I can pick one up in Chinatown for $10....along with a new pair of "Dulce & Gaybannas"


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All I Saw

Did any of you catch Kylie Minogue on Dancing with The Stars last Tuesday? In case you didn't, she sang "All I See" & "Can't Get You Out Of My Head"....oh, and she wore a blonde wig that she borrowed from Gwen Stefani, and her voice sounded about as flat as my back cheeks.

What a let down!

Happy Birthday Big Daddy !

Today my Mountain-Time-Zone-Common-Law-Cyber hubby celebrates his 21st (plus) birthday.

If you aren't familiar with the man, check out his blog and gets to know him. Big Daddy is one of the first blogs I started reading and is a great source for news, music, "hubba hubba" eye candy, and laughs...I'm blessed to be able to call this man a real life friend.

Happy B-day Daddio....may you have many, many more....now get your arse down to L.A. soon!!

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Muxtape

I just discovered this cool site from Matty's blog. It's a pretty clever way to create & share a "mixtape". You can only upload mp3 files and there's a 12 song limit. Most of my music files are in m4p format...so I'm still playing with it.

Check it out: http://cleverfool.muxtape.com/

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