Monday, September 29, 2008
It hit me late Friday night, but by Sunday morning, I felt like I was winning the battle.
It's funny...I felt ok when I rolled (literally) out of bed this morning, but after lunch, I'm back to feeling like shite again. I kinda feel like I got punched in the face after staying awake for the last 2 days...and the nasal passages are all irritated.
I'm going to put my butt to bed a little early tonight and take some meds right before...and by "meds", I of course mean tequila...Ole'!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The first one took place as I was paying for breakfast in the cafeteria:
Female employee: "If you give me 6 inches, I'll be one happy lady."
Male employee: "I'll give you at least that much."
This was all said without any trace of sarcasm/irony/humor.... they didn't even notice me standing behind them grinning like a fool.
The second conversation took place near my cubicle and involved 2 female employees, both of which are fairly new mothers (names changed to protect my employment status).
Bad Mommy #1: "Ethan dropped his binky (pacifier) in the toilet bowel this morning, so I rinsed it off with hot water & gave it back to him....you should've seen how Brad (the husband) flipped out."
Bad Mommy #2: "I read somewhere that the water in the toilet bowel is some of the cleanest water around."
Bad Mommy #1: "I know, but Brad's kind of a clean freak."
Oh, that poor child!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
After dinner (last Friday), I went outside to sit on the front porch...truth be told, I was gaseous and didn't want to stink up the house. As soon as I opened the screen door, something flew into my hair & then quickly flew off of me, into the house and towards the front living room window. That's when I screamed like a little girl.
A GIANT grasshopper was sitting on the window's blinds...taunting me with it's alien face.
I ran into the kitchen to get a glass jar from the cabinet under the sink. I recycle pasta sauce jars for storing coins, disposing used cooking oil (I never pour oil down the sink as it clogs the pipes...I prefer to send it to the landfill), saving spare hardware, and now for catching grasshoppers. I had heard that these insects are so stupid that if you hold a glass jar or plastic bag in front of it, it'll jump right into it.....and that's true, because this little bastard jumped right into my jar.
After capturing it, I set it on the window sill in the kitchen. I had planned on throwing it away in the morning. Weeeellll, I forgot all about it until Sunday morning. Since the jar lid didn't have any air holes punched into it, the poor thing died....so sad.
After looking at all of the damage the grasshopper caused in my garden (he practically ate an entire rose bush) this morning, I really don't feel that bad at all.
Here's a little song for y'all that's very appropriate...The Killing Jar by Siouxsie and the Banshees
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I had $60 on me that I was prepared to lose....I was hoping for the best, but expecting the worst...It's not that I'm a pessimist, it's just that Lady Luck turned her back on me, once she found out that I was a big ol 'Mo.....B*tch!
I swear, the first machine I sat down at made me a winner on the 3rd spin. The $10 that I put in the machine grew to $60 (jealous much?). I was playing some Tiger themed machine and hit the Super Bonus screen or whatever it was called...I cashed out and moseyed on over to my all time favorite slot machine: SUN AND MOON.
Again, within under 5 plays, I had hit the bonus round, which on this machine means you get free spins...since I triggered the bonus feature with all 5 sun & moon symbols, I scored 50 free spins...and when I was down to 25 spins, I scored ANOTHER 50 free spins....so I sat back and just watched the credits add up...sadly, I was playing a 2 cent machine and not the $1 machines, but when all of the free spins had finished, I was ahead $150...I cashed out and told my parents that I was Re' Ta Go !!
I spent the rest of our time there following my folks around, watching them lose all of their money.... I did play one other slot machine for at least 30 minutes...it was the Wheel of Fortune game...this time I was playing 50 cents at a time...I walked away from this machine $15 richer...just call me Daddy Warbucks...or Daddy works too.
So, I went home with $200+ more in my pockets than what I left home with....not too shabby.
Oh, on our way out of the casino, I showed my Dad which machine I won the $150 on. There was a guy sitting on the machine...he had just won 100 free spins....he told us that he literally sat down and put $5 in the machine, and on the 1st spin triggered the bonus round.
I've got a feeling that that machine is going to be either reprogrammed or replaced soon.
Monday, September 15, 2008
If you want to see a pic of a monkey taking a dump on McCain's head, then click here.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Memory is a fickle beast.
It's funny, isn't it, how we can easily recall the most boring, ancient, or useless memories, but the ones that we never want to forget do become forgotten.
I have a terrible memory. It seems that as the years roll on by, time has a way of pushing memories deep into the back of my mind, and they are only brought back to life by some random trigger.
Yet, my mind holds onto the tragedy of 9/11, as if it happened only last week.
I can clearly recall the sights & sounds being shown (non-stop) on the TV, the overwhelming sense of patriotism I felt, the fear, the anger, but most of all, the disbelief.
My thoughts and hopes of peace go out to all those that lost loved ones seven years ago.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Chris, come see me about your computer.
My heart sank & my gut wrenched (and I farted). Was I being fired and this was the company's way of being subtle about it?
I started to paint all kinds of scenarios in my head for why they'd get rid of me this way...was it for all of the Internet/blog cruising that I get done each day? Was it because my workload is almost nonexistent? Were my coworkers too intimidated/distracted by my internal beauty, that they weren't able to get their own work assignments completed? I wasn't able to come up with anything that didn't sound desperately ridiculous...
Then I thought about how I'd react, if I was being canned.... should I fall to my knees and cry like a baby?....should I pull the gay card and scream (in a really nelly voice) that I was being discriminated against and threaten legal action (and Gloria Allred)? Should I try to take others down with me, by telling lies that they steal toilet paper, Windex, and paper? Should I go Psycho Bitch and destroy my boss' desk, sending piles of neatly stacked paper everywhere, as well as ripping his precious vintage movie posters off of his office walls? ....my mind was racing with all of these crazy thoughts !
I just couldn't be sacked...I've been working steady since I was 16 years old, and since that time, I've only been out of work for 2 weeks straight. (I was fired for stealing toilet paper, Windex, and paper)...just kidding...such a kidder, this one!
I took a few cleansing breaths, grew a pair, and then walked into my boss' office. Turns out that all of that stressing out was for nothing. I forgot to lock down my laptop on Friday, and when my boss came in to work over the weekend, he did a random check to see if there were any unlocked laptops...I was the only fool that didn't lock down his machine (D'oh!).
I got a mild hand slapping, but I'm still employed...wheeeeeeeeee!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
[This happened last week, but I've been a bad blogger and took a mini blog vacation, apparently]...
After a very stressful day at work (basically reading blogs all day....shhh!), I decided that I wasn't going to cook dinner...it was take out night, but what to have, what to have? I wanted something different, something healthy, and something inexpensive.
Anyhoo....I was treated to some entertainment along the way. When I placed the order for the pasta, I was told that it'd be ready in 15 minutes, so I left my car in their lot and walked over to the market for my beloved fried chicken. In front of the market was a bum, who looked a lot like Hagrid, talking to a cop. The cop was telling Hagrid to pick up his box of junk and remove himself from the front of the store.
Slim had a Jack-O-Lantern's smile and was squatting on his haunches, while Hagrid was yelling at him to keep his mouth shut. Slim suddenly got the urge to take a dump, so he pulled his sweat pants down while squatting.
But Slim was feeling a little constipated so no poo [Damn!]... Hagrid started to yell at Slim to pull up his pants and told him that "no one wants to see his pasty white ass". Slim came back with "Oh, you're such a big man aren't you?...whatchu gonna do big man?"
Ooooh Child, this pissed Slim off big time....he stood up, ass still hanging out (I swear !) and verbally assaulted Hagrid with everything he had.
At this point, the Pizza Hut cashier motioned to me that my overpriced/overcooked pasta was ready. When I drove off, I noticed that Hagrid was standing against the side of the store talking to himself...but where was Slim and how'd he get all of his junk picked up so quickly?
I did notice that there was a large trash bin nearby and Hagrid was one strong S-O-B...just saying!
Monday, September 1, 2008
A painted electric circuit box
The House of Hayden - my fave straight bar in L.B.