Wednesday, February 28, 2007

D & G

Because I'm worth it...

A "good friend" just returned home, from a business trip in Rome. As in Italy....Not as in Rome, Georgia....While he was gone for 2 weeks, I took care of his apartment. You know, watered the plants, aired out the place, brought in the mail, crapped in his toilet, drank his wine, ate his food, went through his sock drawer looking for "hidden" cash, checked out his banking statements, used his bed for an on-line hookup, hacked my way into his computer, and altered several of his on-line profiles....

I did all of these things, without even a whisper of a thought of being compensated in any way, whatsoever....Never mind the fact that I was Googling the exact location for the following shops in Rome: Prada, D&G, Gucci, & Salvatore Ferragamo....and please ignore that I may have emailed my good friend all of the taxi/bus routes to all of these shops. I really wasn't expecting anything for my self-less behavior. I do what I do, because I am just a damn good friend...Word!

So, can you imagine my surprise when my friend dropped these shades off at my place, as a token of his appreciation? I also scored an awesome cashmere zip up sweater, a very cool shirt that I'm designating as my "goal" shirt (fits a little snug in the tummy area, damn it, but it should fit come early summer!), and I also scored a serving platter that's just too nice to actually use. It'll be one of my "you can look, but don't touch" pieces.....kind of like my booty.

Anyone need a house-sitter?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Sweeney Todd

This just in....Filming Begins on Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd, in London.

I saw the revival of Sweeney Todd in NYC, back in 2005. I'm no theater queen, but I was completely blown away by the entire cast's performances. The cast played all of their own music (no orchestra), sang their lines, and not one mistake was made. The choreography was flawless. Who knew Patti Lupone could play the tuba? I'm really interested to see how the film will be adapted, but with Tim Burton running the show, it'll be a dark and creepy Victorian England, indeed.

The Sweeney Todd film, in which Tim Burton will direct Johnny Depp (as Sweeny Todd) and Helena Bonham Carter (as Mrs. Lovett), has begun filming in London, according to an official announcement. The DreamWorks Studios/Warner Bros. film adaptation of the Stephen Sondheim musical is underway at London's Pinewood Studios for the film, which is slated to be distributed domestically by Paramount for a late 2007 release and distributed internationally by Warner Bros.

"I've always wanted to do a musical and Sweeney Todd is my favorite," said Tim Burton in the release. "Stephen's blend of humor, horror and emotion is something that has always connected with me."

Sweeney Todd follows the story of a wrongfully imprisoned barber in Victorian England who sets out to seek revenge on the judge who imprisoned him. The film will also feature Alan Rickman (Professor Snape of the Harry Potter films), Timothy Spall (Wormtail of the Harry Potter films), Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat) and Christopher Lee (The Lord of the Rings). All the stars will do their own singing from Stephen Sondheim's music and lyrics. I'm looking forward to seeing this!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I Don't Know Much About Clothes, But My Hair Looks Fierce!

Well, not as fierce as Amanda Lepore's, but I'm happy with the new 'do. I got my hair cut on Saturday, by a new stylist (gasp...a straight woman). I've been with my current stylist (surprise...a Homo!) for about a year now, but I think it's time to move on.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been looking for a replacement, since the current guy that does me my hair, has been screwing up lately. For example, I would request to have the nape of my neck "squared off". I would end up with the left side square cut, while the right side would be contoured/curved....I hate looking like an asshole! There were also a few times when I specifically asked "could you not cut it too short", and yet, I ended up walking out of there showing a little too much scalp. There's also the issue of me walking into the shop, smelling of vomit (for real), and the Hairdresser On Fire admitting to "dude, I totally just hurled about 5 minutes ago". Looking back, I also think that there were a few times when he was high/drunk, while I took my chances in his chair....I'm not a prude, he just seems to be progressively falling apart. I think it's time to move on, after all, I don't want to end up looking like I narrowly escaped getting scalped.

The replacement did a great job. She listened and did everything I asked (well, almost hand job under the cape). Now the ugly/weird part starts. I bump into him sometimes at certain (gay) bars in my 'hood. So, to prevent having to tell him in a holy place (a gay bar), I'll call him this week, to let him know that I won't be needing his services anymore.

I just hope he doesn't cry & get all hysterical on my ass....that can be so embarrassing!.....I will miss those under the cape hand jobs though!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Got Zit?

I have a HUGE-ASS zit right on the tip of my nose....It is the size of a dime, very red, and very shiny. When is this zit business going to end?...I've already been through the hormonal mayhem of puberty...why do I continue to get zits from time to time?

I never really have "breakouts". I only seem to get ONE big ass nasty zit at a time, and always in the most obvious of places...the tip of my nose, the start of my ass crack, in the middle of my cheek, or on my forehead between my eyebrows. Too bad today's little visitor wasn't there...I'd go Catholic (again) and would've covered it with ash from Wednesday night's ash party...or I could've covered it with a red dot, using that makeup that some Indian women know, to show that they're cootchie is open for business single, or whatever the hell it means.....or, if I was really really confident in my own sexuality, I could've totally blinged that bitch out with carefully placed stick-on rhinestones...

The monster that has currently set up residence on the end of my nose is pulsing to its own beat...honestly, I can feel my own heartbeat through it...and I have tried everything to get rid of it....I am so close to whipping out the exacto knife, to take care of it once and for all!....but I'm too chicken shit to mess up my money maker....oh well, I guess Daddy won't be getting any loving this weekend!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

WTF ??!!

How many mushrooms does John Galliano have to do, to come up with this crap?...and who in the hell would buy any of it?...don't get me wrong...I am really enjoying the first model wearing the dirty (literally) chonies (but what's with the mop collar and the bullshit head-thingy)....

Yeah, I know I know....he's making a statement, this is art, it's all a part of some message/vision he's sending out to the ignorant know what?...Bite me, John Galliano....this bullshit just makes me angry!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Nasty Nature

Is it wrong that I'm a little turned on?

(possible) Fatal Attraction

There's a box "boy" at my local market that gives me the creeps (name of market withheld for some sense of anonymity/personal safety reasons -- har!). He's a man in his mid-30s, tall, African-American, (looks Caribbean), and has these eyes that scare the bejeezus out of me. The whites of his eyes are always yellowish and bloodshot....always.

He's obviously gay, by the way he swishes & just blatantly stares at men in the store...I have to admit that I do get a kick out of the way he sashays through the parking lot, collecting the baskets.....It's as if he's got Supermodel by RuPaul permanently playing in his head....and yes, he does "turn to the turn to the right".....but lets get back to the creepiness...

He has this way of looking at you (at me) that feels like he's peering directly into my soul. It's funny how he'll stop whatever he's currently doing & run over to my checkout lane to bag my groceries. Always staring at me, while he bags my beauty products groceries. I act oblivious to him and usually just stare in horror at the cash register, as I watch the cost of my beauty products groceries adding up. If you're trying to picture what he looks like, imagine that Voodoo Zombie dude from The Serpent & The Rainbow movie.....only gay.

Well, normally I don't pay too much attention to him, and I guess I should be flattered, but things got a little weird last night. I was in the market picking up a few things, when I saw him talking to a must've been his day off (he was wearing his street clothes), or maybe he was picking up his paycheck, or whatever....

Later, as I was in the parking lot, putting my bags in the trunk of my car, I noticed him driving past me, very slowly, in a red pickup truck. I made him invisible to me & got in my car. I stalled for time, waiting for him to drive out of sight, so I could rush off in the opposite direction. I had a couple of other errands to run after the market (dry cleaning pickup & drop off rental videos).

As I'm driving back home from running errands, I look in my rear view mirror, and I shit you not......dun dun dun....there he Caribbean zombie stalker, driving that old red pickup....and I'm almost at my's at this point that I start to freak....I drive right on past my house and decide to drive to the local police station....but where the hell is that???....since I'm an idiot for not knowing where the po-po are, I just continue to drive & eventually lose his ass about a mile away from my house.

So now I'm wondering what to do crime has been committed, but I still feel a little, I dunno ...violated (?)... I'm debating on changing markets, but that would be giving in to cowardice. Maybe I'll just talk to him the next time he bags my stuff, but not mention him following me, and definitely make it clear that I have no interest in him, whatsoever....These things must be done delicately....or the Zombie will try to eat my brain!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Similar But Not The Same

On Saturday, I had an interesting conversation with my friend, Jason, (a fellow 'Mo)...We started to talk about marriage and how Gay people are denied the same rights that straight people are "entiltled to"....I won't get up on a soapbox....I'm sure we're all in agreement here with what's fair and what's simply blind, ignorant, backwards, homophobic bullshit....

Jason feels that Gay people should be treated exactly the same as the heteros, since (in Jason's opinion) Gay people are exactly the same as straight people in every way, with the exception of that whole sex thing...I agreed with Jason, in regards to being treated the same as straight people, but as far as Gays being the same as straights...that's where I disagreed. My point was this...

Speaking solely on behalf of Gay men (I really can't speak for the Lesbian experience, as I'm not that butch), I feel that we are genetically enhanced. Gay men are just "more"....We're more:
artistic, attractive, driven, emotional, fashionable, hygenic, intelligent, mentally stable, & witty...I know that I'm making blanket statements here, but honey, the proof is in the pudding...or in gay speak: the creme brulee.

Think about it....We are better in the kitchen, the garden, the bedroom, on Broadway, in conversation, on the dance floor, holding a friend's hand while talking them off that ledge, on the runway....and hello?.....we make way better porn!..... As a spectator of the Gay Games in Chicago last summer, I can also attest to how attractive the men are at Steamworks how we can hold our own, out in the field as well.

I hope this post don't come off as shallow and/or stereotypifying (sp?), I'm just speaking my genetically enhanced mind here....xoxo

Friday, February 16, 2007

Like a Virgin

I went to lunch today with a coworker; an older gent, who's married and has a son that's 27 years old. Over salads, he told me that last weekend, his son finally got his cherry popped (gasp a girl). Dad shared that he was pretty surprised that his son was (until recently) still a virgin.

Some thoughts:
  • Gee, thanks for sharing that tidbit of your family history.
  • It's about damn time, boy!
  • I think it's a little creepy that the son would tell Pops about his 1st experience.

This afternoon, I remembered how this subject was discussed on one of my all time favorite British comedy series: Absolutely Fabulous....Here's a couple quotes, from Eddie & Patsy, regarding Eddie's virgin daughter (Saffron) :

Eddie: Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience. And night-after-night, dry bloody sheets! Well I am sorry darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Patsy: She is a virgin - in a world where men would even turn to soft fruit for pleasure!

Have an AbFab weekend Sweety Darlings!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I Heart Chilaquiles

Chilaquiles is my favorite Mexican breakfast . What the hell are Chilaquiles you ask?...They be: many layers of crispy tortillas, made soggy in a tomato and chile pepper (mild) sauce, with lots of Queso Fresco (Mexican cheese) & usually served with eggs on the side. Every Thursday, they make them in the cafeteria where I work...The evil chefs make them even more wicked by slopping on a dollop of sour cream...mmm....sour cream!

I've recently given up (as much as possible) carbs...and this dish is a carb bomb!......So I was strong this morning, as I passed the chef who taunted me by saying: "Mijo, I got chur Chilaquiles for chu "!......damn Him!....I wanted them bad, but I ended up with a fat free yogurt, banana, and green tea....Bleh!!

In the words of my hero, Homer Simpson: " Ohhhh....Me so hungee ! "

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Heart's a Lonely Hunter

I started this post last night and, well, it turned out too: boo-hoo/ pity party / I aint got nobody / blather & bosh... So I scrapped it. Yes, I was drinking last night (Cabernet Sauvignon). And yes I was crying. And yes in the nude.....not a pretty site.

The gist of the original post was a reflection of my non-existentent love life, and how I sometimes feel lonely. I love being single and not having to answer to anyone, but I dunno....there are times when I really miss being in love, and all of the strings that come along with it. Sometimes I watch couples (straight or gay), who appear to be in love, and I wonder if they know how lucky they are. It's been about 3 years since I felt like I was truly in love with someone...but that ended pretty quickly, once I found out he was cheating....oh, but that's going to be a LONG post for another day.

As I was typing the post up last night, I was listening to this song, Are you Alright?, by Lucinda Williams, and started to think about all of my friends (including my blogosphere friends) that are going through some pretty rough times right now, emotionally.....and that song just hit a little too close to the bone.....and that's when I just lost my shit & started to bawl....I guess it didn't help that I had just finished listening to Annie Lennox on YouTube perform Why? live....(Annie playing the piano, singing her heart out....check it out ya'll).

But enough of that noise....I know that I'm truly blessed to have all that I do, and besides, it's a new year and it's going to be a new (slimmer) me.....Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Toot Toot - Hey - Beep Beep !

Last night, I got together with a good friend & his beautiful wife, for dinner. We went to this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place in Pasadena that was so good, that I wanted to slap the 107 year old Mamacita in the kitchen. The margaritas (cactus pear) were unreal!

But honestly, don't you just hate being the third wheel? Especially when the couple you're with start making out right in front of you, and then you get all turned on and shit and start rubbing your buddy's crotch.....with your crotch....and then the wife freaks out ?!....whatever!...but I digress...

I hadn't seen my friend since last Thanksgiving, so we had much gossip to get caught up on, so we sat around after dinner & chatted. About 15 minutes after the dinner plates were cleared, my tummy started to have difficulty silently processing the beans. My mini-muffin top was making strange noises. Sort of like the noise it makes when I'm hungry....only more any sudden movement would send out a sound similar to a foghorn. So there I sat for the next 30 minutes, trying my best to will my gut silent....Eventually, wifey notices the sounds and asks if I'm still hungry. Always the classy bastard, I laugh it off, as fake as I can, and mutter something stupid like "yeah, I guess so...pass the nachos please".

As we head to the door to exit, I am forced to walk like a Geisha, with ass cheeks clenched tight, because like I said, I'm classy & don't want to release Montezuma's Revenge out of my ass. Well, at least not inside the restaurant. I do plan on returning some day soon. Ya'll will be happy to know that I made it outside without so much as a peep from my booty. Funny thing is that the moment I was outside, all of that gassy ugliness was gone. WTF?!?!...

So we all hug and say good-bye, and promise each other that we'll do this again soon....yeah right...As my secret life-long crush friend & his wife start to head for their car, friend turns & runs back to me & says "oh, one more thing..."......he then violently shoves his ass cheeks into my crotch & lets out the most guttural, stanky, nose hair cinging fart I've ever witnessed....he's a big guy (in more ways than one) and has his arms clamped behind my back, so that I can't escape.....the happy couple both find this hysterical....As for me, I'm weaponless. All of that gas that was making the last 30 minutes of my life a living hell?...All dissipated....So much for being classy!...


Sunday, February 11, 2007

Friday, February 9, 2007

The Amazing Race - All Stars

Sunday, Feb 18th, the Race is On!

I'm so excited to see that one of my favorite reality TV shows is returning -- All Star Style. I'm also glad to see that my favorite team Uchenna / Joyce (winners from season #7) are back. I've seen all 10 seasons & they are by far my all time favorites. During the 7th race, they BOTH shaved their heads for good luck, as part of the "Fast Forward" challenge they partook (grammar?) in. A decision that moved them to the front of the pack. I fell in love with Joyce, as she bravely sat there, fighting back the tears (as I did too) while her head full of hair was shaved away. I want them to win it again!

On a different (sour) note: I loathe team "Boston" Rob and his Ho.....they're only back because they're controversial and CBS knows what they're doing, ratings wise by including them....although I have to admit: Rob does have a certain, how do you say....."he makes me so damn Horny", en francaise?.....well, as long as he doesn't open his mouth to "speak".

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Fella that was in the Mood

I made a conscious decision, before I started this blog, not to talk about the workplace or what goes on here.....but I now realize that there will be some exceptions along the way...

Now I don't know how, but I'm guessing that some kind of Itunes Magic was involved here....I can't explain how Vogue by Madonna founds its way into my Itunes Library here at work, but let's not's there. Whatever. That song is a guilty pleasure & very few people know that I can do most of the dance routine from the Blonde Ambition Tour. So anyhoo, the song made its way into the party shuffle group this morning , and then it got stuck in my head. All Day. As I passed by strangers in the walkways, I would hear in my head: "What are you looking at?" know, in her voice.

About 30 minutes ago, I went to the restroom. With that damn song in my head. With my body really wanting to strike a pose...I usually use the restroom that's closest to me, which hardly ever gets used, (there are very few men on this floor). There's a long empty corridor (waste of floor space) between the first door and the 2nd door, which opens to the actual restroom. I like to think of this empty corridor as my personal catwalk. So, after I went potty, I decided to get it out of my system and work the runway.....heeeyyyy!

So there I am....mouthing the words and striking several butch poses, when the outer door opens, while I'm in mid pose. (As I'm typing this I realize that I'm getting gayer each day)....I quickly adjust to make it look like I was trying to scratch my back. By the look of shock/fear/disgust/confusion on the guy's face (someone that I work with on a semi-regular basis) I don't think he bought it.....well, at least it's out of my system....I better get back to flipping burgers.

BTW, I blame this new shame all on the non-Diet Coke that I drank earlier (vending machine was out of diet) that got me all sugar happy, as well as watching too many of the runway shows (NYC's fashion week) this morning. Oh, and also that I'm a big Ol 'Homo...Strike a pose, Bitches.

Anna Nicole Smith, R.I.P.

From the website:

Anna Nicole Smith has died, this according to her attorney Ron Rail. She was 39.

Desperate attempts to save her life were made by paramedics en route to Memorial Regional Hospital. Smith did not survive, despite receiving CPR and emergency intubation to facilitate her breathing.Smith collapsed at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida and died hours later.Anna had been transported to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood just after 2:00 PM EST and died around 3:45 PM EST.WFOR-TV in Miami reports that Anna was found unresponsive in her hotel room. Local streets were closed off to rush Smith to the hospital, three miles away. Paramedics were seen pumping her chest as she was taken from the hotel. Anna had been hospitalized for a week last November with pneumonia. Daughter Dannielynn, subject of an ongoing DNA test battle, was born on September 7. Her son Daniel died of a drug overdose on September 10. People magazine is reporting that Dannielynn is in the Bahamas.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Mirror Mirror...

Have you ever cruised yourself?....For lunch today, I went down to the workplace cafeteria. Think: huge ass corporate sized, with many mirrored columns throughout the main dining area. I chose a seat near the wall of windows, so that I could see when my boss was returning from lunch my sapphire blue brown eyes could sparkle in the sunlight (I'm gay like that).

Well, there I was...chowing down on a grilled chicken salad & a diet soda (I really wanted the greasy cheeseburger & homemade chips!), when I noticed, through one of the mirrored columns (about 30 feet away), that a guy's checking me out. My first thought is "cool....I guess sucking in the gut as I walked through the dining room worked" thought is "oh no, I'm not going to mix business with pleasure...leave it alone...been there done that!"....

So there I sat, my self esteem is up, I'm feeling pretty good about myself, when I decide to glance up again to see if I'm still being cruised.....and that's when I notice in the column's checking me out...

So it's at this point that I stop sucking in the gut & make a mental note to make an appointment to see my optometrist ASAP......groan...

For real: the new Coke Cherry Zero is da bomb!

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I heart John Varvatos

New York Fashion Week - John Varvatos - Fall 2007
I can totally see me in his entire Fall's a little taste for ya'll...


Kylie Minogue was dumped by Olivier Martinez (he gives me Fever), during a phone call last Friday ( tacky!...). Kylie and Olivier issued a joint statement last Friday saying that they have officially confirmed that they are no longer a couple. They have made it clear that the decision to go their separate ways was mutual and amicable. Then, just hours after ending his 4-year relationship with Kylie, the French actor was spotted canoodling with (actress ?) Penelope Cruz...Over the weekend, bird-face Cruz was all smiles, as she met with Martinez in the luxurious Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles....Ironically, this is where he first met Kylie...Can you imagine what the Minogue/Martinez children would've looked like?! sad!

"Woody's at the Beach" to close

Woody's at the Beach, a popular upscale gay bar and restuarant, in Laguna Beach will close this month and hand over its keys to Orange County-based Avila's El Ranchito. Woody's managing partner, Joel Herzer, said in a statement posted on the restaurant's website, that he has sold the seaside property to the Mexican food chain. "This was a difficult decision to make. I would like to express our sincere thanks for all the support and patronage we've had from the community". Herzer stated that he isn't closing Woody's because of poor business. He's decided to sell Woody's so that he can focus on 2 other restaurants he operates in Palm Springs.

Woody's earned a reputation as one of the city's most friendly, laid-back, local must-do restaurants. I havent been to Woody's in about 2 years, but the last time I was there the food was fantastic, the drinks were memorable (great margarita's) and the atmosphere was fun & relaxed. You felt like you were at a close friend's backyard BBQ party. I'm sending out the call to a few of my friends, to see if we can make it over there this weekend. If we do make it, I'll be raising a glass to my inspiration for starting this blog, who also gave me the heads up on Woody's demise.

***Update***: Woody's closed on Feb 3rd....I need to get me a fact checker!

Monday, February 5, 2007

Weekend Recap

Headed over to the Magritte Exhibit at LACMA with a friend...Overall, I enjoyed the exhibit....definitely worth the $15 my friend paid for my ticket. It was cool how the museum's employees all wore bowler hats, and the carpets, ceilings, doorways, and columns were tricked out, Magritte style.....I was a little disappointed that the Son of Man painting wasn't on display....I found out at the museum that it is privately owned by some big Queen. Well, they didn't exactly say that a Flamer owned it.....I'm just paraphrasing here.

Then it was off to Social Hollywood for a pre-dinner drink and a light appetizer. For real: the Lollipop Chicken Wings are finger lickin good ya'll!...I was at Social last August, and it was definitely the hot spot in Hollywood. The bar was a mad house and there were pretty people everywhere you looked. But nothing lasts forever. The bar scene on Saturday was very mellow, with no need to scream to your neighbor just to be heard. The clientele seemed to have aged and the level of pretty came down quite a few clicks. Nonetheless, we still had a great time. Social is HUGE and the Moroccan decor really works. I love the ambiance there.

Then we jetted on over to Dolce for dinner . Dolce is owned by a group of celebs including, Ashton Kutcher, Dule Hill (Charlie on "The West Wing"), and Jamie Kennedy. I was a little disappointed by the decor (ugly "tropical" plants on the walls made me feel like I was sitting in my aunt's back patio in La Puente), the food (both plates at our table can best be described as "dull"), and the service level (we had to ask repeatedly for refills of our water glasses)...I hadn't heard much about this restaurant, but I was curious to see what it was all about...No repeat visits for me.

Next stop was the Abbey. We got there around 10:00 and it was already wall to wall Homo...Thank God!...A good time is always had at the Abbey, especially when the bartender is pretty AND dumb...poor thing only charged us for 1 drink even though 2 were served.....maybe he was flirting...har!....No celeb spotted, which was pretty unusual, so we decided to get the hell outta there and head on over to Bin 8945...

Bin 8945 is a Bistro that serves oysters and ceviche, along with quite a selection of European & Caribbean tapas plates. It's great for early evening, pre-theater, regular dinner and late evening dinner choices. The full menu is available from opening until 1:30 AM. They have a nice wine selection, innovative cocktail menu, 16 world class sakes, and unique beers. We each had one drink before we drove home drunk. The kitchen sent out a little sampler plate for us to try...more flirting??....I don't know what 1/2 the stuff was that they gave us, since the server had a thick french accent (and an even thicker package), so I just smiled and nodded my head a lot...oui oui , indeed!...we decided we're coming back to try the regular menu soon!

Recovered from Saturday night...then, cleaned house from top to bottom, ran errands, did laundry, futzed around in the garden, and then cried myself to sleep, like I usually do Sunday nights.

Friday, February 2, 2007

It's Better to Give Than to Receive...Word!

I have an aunt, who lives in Washington state. She found out (through my mother's big mouth) that I recently moved to a new place. She thought that it would be a good idea to send me a care package of household items that I absolutely had to have. Used...Household...Items....My aunt can squeeze every single penny out of a dollar bill like no one else can. Both she and her home have aged very well. The inside of her immaculate house looks like a time capsule from 1955, and she's got to be floating somewhere around 75 years old, but could easily pass for 55. Her nickname (unbeknownst to her) is Dr. Joyce Brothers. If you saw her hairdo, you'd totally know why. She tells me that I'm her favorite nephew, and has taken to calling me "papi chulo".....that kinda weirds me out, as I've been called that before, but in a very different context.

Well, the giant box of crap was delivered yesterday. Inside the box was a world of plastic fantastic. For some reason my aunt thought that I really really needed/wanted the following used shit:
  • 5 sets of well used (threadbare) dish towels (circa 1974)
  • harvest gold tupperware in every size imaginable
  • an avocado green napkin holder
  • about 5 sets of mini salt & pepper shakers
  • a set of turquoise rococo coasters/trivets
  • a butt-load of clear plastic orange juice "glasses" with daisy decals ,that had been almost completely washed off over the decades
  • 3 sets of ketchup/mustard dispensers (why?)
  • and countless other miscellaneous kitchen items (all crap)

The pièce de résistance though was a used George Foreman grill. It looks like she may have had a little accident with the grill, as the back of it had burn marks. So my Mom guilted me into calling her last night to thank her for wasting all that postage. I was so tempted to tell her how I really felt, but I didn't want to piss her off, since I don't really know what her net worth is and how much of it is bequeathed to me in her will. So after 5 minutes of me gushing over all that junk she sent, (which had been relocated to the outside trash can), my aunt tells me that she was thrilled to hear that I was enjoying her used crap, and was in the middle of packing up a 2nd box for me...D'oh!!!