Saturday, December 29, 2007

One



Today is my blog's 1st birthday! I am expecting expensive gifts from each and every one of my readers...get to shopping bitches...and don't even think about re-gifting me any Christmas present rejects that you're all just waiting to pawn off.

Seriously, I can't believe that it's already been a year! Blogging has become a very cheap, addictive, creative, expressive form of therapy for me, and I love the unexpected benefit of all of the new friendships that I've made via blogging...now if only I can find a way to make some money blogging, without giving in to the advertisers...kidding...sort of.

To help celebrate the anniversary, I treated this clever fool to a cupcake.




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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas

Random pics of mi casa.








Murr Chrimuh!

Monday, December 24, 2007

All About Eve

Christmas Eve is when my family celebrates the birth of the little Baby Jesus. We used to celebrate the day by having a big family dinner (my folks always played host to many aunts, uncles, & cousins), followed by after dinner drinks, and then we'd wait for midnight to finally arrive...that's when we'd get to open up gifts.

As we've all gotten older, we found it necessary to change it up a bit. This year, I decided to give my mom a day off from the kitchen, so I treated my immediate family to Christmas Eve dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants here in Long Beach, Cafe Piccolo. After dinner, we walked the canals in Naples, to check out how the wealthy in Long Beach decorated their homes. We showed up at the right time, as there was a group of carolers strolling the canals. Some of the gondoliers were in the singing mood too.

Then we came home to drink champagne, eat way too many Christmas cookies, cheeses, cakes, a yule log "cake" thing with a lot of marzipan mushrooms on it that must've been 4,000 calories per slice (my neighbor dropped it off), and 3 different types of pies (I tasted all 3), and then we finally opened up gifts.

I like this "slimmed down" version of celebrating X-mas, as it just felt so much more relaxed (read: none of the crazy relatives came over to get drunk & ruin the day)...however, I must've had one too many glasses of bubbly, as I foolishly volunteered to make dinner next year...funny how quickly Mommy Dearest agreed to that suggestion.





*** Happy Holidays Everyone! ***

Friday, December 21, 2007

The 12 Days of Christmas

I know that this video is old, but I love Janice Dickinson's take on the X-mas classic!




Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Bow Down



I need to befriend this couple immediately...and I want to be invited to their damn Christmas party too...they may be missing a few dozen ornaments by the time my jealous ass leaves, but hey, they have 10,000 ornaments...26 trees in a two-bedroom home??!!...26!!!




Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Naked Pics of David Beckham

I'm suddenly very interested in seeing naked pics of David Beckham, after his wife (Victoria Beckham...duh!) made the following comment regarding his man-junk:


"He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is
all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

Oh, and speaking of Victoria, here's a recent pic of her during a concert in London. Notice how her back tits are falling out of her top...I know it, she's such a fat ass! If David were mine, I'd make sure that my back tits always stayed within my shiny metallic gold dominatrix disco bustier halter top.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Fine Design(er)


It was a real heartbreaking moment, watching Jack Mackenroth remove himself from the Project Runway competition last week, due to a bacterial infection on his lip. I honestly thought that he'd end up in the final 3. There is undoubtedly talent & skill in this guy, and he is definitely a force to be reckoned with (not to mention that he isn't too hard on the eyes neither). I'll never understand why bad things happen to such good people.

Maybe the producers will surprise us all and do something similar to what they did last season by bringing him back as a "2nd chance" contestant (remember that lame "rosette" designer chick & that old goof-ball Vinny that they brought back last season?).
You can find some NSFW pics of this muscular sprite here:...

...and here's a hilarious video of Jack that I found online...now, how could I not fall in love with this man?!





Thursday, December 13, 2007

I've Been Recognized!

When I started this here blog, it wasn't to become the local celebrity that I've become...but some things I guess are unavoidable. You can't fight the funk & you can't change fate. Yes, yes y'all, I have finally been recognized by someone on the street.

During my lunch break today, I drove to Target in Pico Rivera (heavily Latino populated area of L.A.), when I noticed these 2 guys, driving a raised Escalade, in the lane to the left of me. They were looking over (down) at me & sort of smiling...that's when I knew that they had just recognized me for the celeb that I am. I smiled back & threw them the head nod.

Then, as the light changed & I started to make my right hand turn, the guy in the passenger seat leaned out the window, still smiling, and shouted: "Faggot!". I didn't have time to react, as I rounded the corner...and besides, how should I have responded to that factual & accurate statement? Maybe yelled back: "homophobic closet case!"?

To be honest, I was a little surprised, because today I look like shit & don't necessarily think I "look gay "(oh, you know what I mean...I'm sorry, but gay usually does have a "look"). Today, I have 2 days worth of facial hair, my hair is all jacked up, I'm wearing a dark blue button down shirt, and baggy khakis (think: Gap's clearance section)...now yesterday was a much different look. I looked tres gay in my athletic fit cowboy style shirt (that looks pretty good on me when I suck in the gut), a pair of "modern fit" (to enhance the package & booty) pants, along with some pointy shoes...yeah, I looked pretty fruity yesterday.

I just realized that today was the first time in my life that anyone's ever "reminded me" that I'm a Big 'Mo...Oh well...so much for being recognized...maybe I'm only a legend in my living room...[le sigh]!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Oh Tannenbaum!

Yippee, the tree's all dressed up! Now if I could only win the damn lottery, I'd have this tree drowning in Radko ornaments...yeah, I'm gay like that.

Now it finally feels/looks like Christmas at my house. I can't really show any more pics of the rest of the house, as there are many, many empty boxes & tissue laying all about my kitchen & living room...and no one needs to see that!





Monday, December 10, 2007

Stereotypes

There are so many stereotypes that I've heard of over the years, but I tend to not put much weight into them...after all, stereotypes are usually based on racism/sexism/misogyny/ignorance/hate...I'm sure you've all probably heard the same ones I have such as: Asians are bad drivers, Jews are cheap, queenie guys are always bottoms, Catholics are all drunks, women don't know how to give a proper BJ...and the list goes on & on. I hope I'm not offending anyone here, I'm just trying to flesh out this post.

This afternoon, an internal auditor at work "interviewed" me for about an hour, over some financial reporting questions he had. The guy was early 30's, tall, blonde, had the greenest eyes I've ever seen, and looked like he just finished a photo shoot for the cover of "The Beautiful People" magazine....and on top of that, he was British....aww, how I love a British accent! ...some of you know where this is going, right?

As hot as this man was, there was something about him that really bugged me...and it bugged me mainly because it caused my boner to diminish perpetuated yet another stereotype...this oh-so-handsome man had some really jacked up teeth!

What's up with Brits having bad teeth? Especially British celebs? According to a survey carried by BriteSmile, the teeth-brightening company, celebrities from Great Britain have the worst teeth in the world....a few examples are Ozzy Osbourne, Spice Girl Melanie C, Tony Blair, Vivienne Westwood, and who could forget Austin Powers' chompers?

I dunno...maybe it's drinking all of that sugared tea that the English are so fond of, or eating all of that poppycock & bollocky bangers that's to blame for their mangled teeth...they do have such naughty names for food...oh oh...boner's back!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Nekkid Tree


I bought our Christmas tree!! On Sunday, we made our annual trip to the Snowy Pines tree lot, in Long Beach, and quickly spotted the tree above...it had just been unloaded from the truck, so I asked the nearest tree lot employee to unwrap it & shake it for me...the tree, not his ass...It was still a little wet (like me), so I know that it's fresh & will make it to Valentines Day, like all of the other past trees have.

To be honest, I felt like I settled...sort of. The tree I really wanted was the 7.5 foot noble fir I spotted near the entrance, but at a price tag of $100, I decided to "look around". To be even more honest, I do love this tree, and at $40, I love it even more....which is kind of ironic, because for $100, I love you long time...but I digress!

So, the tree has been hosed down, watered, and given time for it's brances to settle, but I haven't had the energy to slap on the lights/decorations yet. I'll get around to that Monday after work...speaking of work, I've been toying with the idea of calling in sick tomorrow. It wouldn't be a complete lie, as I am feeling a little queasy right now.

The girls & I decided to do a test run of baking Christmas cookies (Martha Stewart's sugar cookies), and I have to say that they turned out pretty good...I only burned a few. I played the rolls of supervisor/oven doorman/official taster, and after tasting about 3 cookies (read: I lost count after 10), all of that sugar has given me tummy bubbles! I do loves me some royal icing, but maybe there was no need to actually lick the bowl(s) clean.

Stay tuned for pics of the fully decorated tree.
...

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Hair-A-Parent

One of the many joys of raising teen aged girls is having to deal with all of the hair that they shed on a daily basis...especially when one is an Emo child, oops, I forgot that "Emo" is no longer cool...now it's all about being a Scene Kid (basically an Emo kid, only happier & with more color in the wardrobe). Scene kids (girls & boys) like to change their hairstyles....often....I'm talking hair being trimmed, above the bathroom sink every 1-2 weeks.

What that means to me is me removing hair from the sink basin (before it gets stuck going down the drain), drying my face off with towels that have little "surprises" tucked into the folds of the towel, as well as me having to sweep up renegade hair from the bathroom floor, even after a "please go sweep up the hair that you've got laying all about the bathroom floor"command has been issued & "swept up" by my little Fashionista.

My bathroom sink recently got a nasty clog in it. I thought I could fix this little problem myself, so I loosened the J-trap, and watched in disgust as the stank water poured into the bucket below....I nearly gagged when some of the water splashed into my open mouth...disgusting! Then something really nasty happened....this wad of hair sloooowly began to descend from the pipe. It was so nasty looking. It was teardrop shaped & glossy, with what appeared to have been hair gel, tooth paste, semen, and various bits of debris tangled up in it. It just hung in the open space between the pipe's end & the bucket below...taunting me.

It reminded me of a scene from the movie Alien. It was at this point that I started to gag....the sight of it glistening & twisting slowly above the foul water was grossing me out. Maddie, (my youngest), heard me gagging & walked into the restroom to see what was up. The moment she stepped through the doorway she screamed "it smells like something died in here" and then ran off...(bless her!)....Thankfully, the little alien life form dropped into the bucket below, without any assistance from me. So I reattached the pipes, ran some water and then flipped out once the water began to backup again!

That clog remover stuff you buy at the grocery store is crap....what a waste of $7.00. So I called in the big guns....that's right, sulphuric acid. That magic potion took care of the clog in no time at all....oh sure, I can no longer produce any more offspring, due to inhaling some of the toxic fumes, but as Martha always says: "That's a Good thing!"

My only regret is that I didn't get a pic of the hair wad before I threw it over the fence, into my neighbor's yard.....I know it...I'm such a bad blogger!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Time For D&G

So last night, I'm lying on my sofa, feet pointing to heaven, while I practiced my kegel exercises, when a commercial for Dolce & Gabanna's latest ad campaign for their D&G Time watch collection comes on...and my mouth literally falls to the floor. Check it out for yourselves...all I have to say is that D&G definitely knows who's buying their wares.

Friday, November 30, 2007

My Weight Loss Inspiration


Losing weight is never easy. It usually involves a radical shift in the way we eat, and even think about food. Personally, carb/fat/calorie watching has become a way of life for me lately, as I try to shed my love handles & secondary chins. Losing weight is especially tough during the holiday season. Tasty, fatty, treats are everywhere I look...at work, in the grocery store, on my kitchen counter cooling, inside my intestines digesting, etc...

So I want to take this opportunity to tell Paul just how damn proud I am of him for losing all of his "baby fat", and for being such an inspirational role model for me. You see, Paul recently shared with me how he struggled with his weight as a child...his weight issues can be traced back to the days when his mother, desperate to have a daughter, would dress him up as a little girl. I didn't believe Paul, until he broke down in tears, and then showed me the video evidence. I talked to him earlier this morning and asked if it was ok to share this story/video (see below) with my readers and he agreed to it.

In case you've never seen this handsome devil before, here's what he looks like now:


...and here's what he looked like as a child:




Thursday, November 29, 2007

Charlie Brown Xmas Tree!



I love this little tree...I think it would look perfect as a centerpiece on my kitchen table...maybe I'll tell the girls that it's been a tough year financially, and this is all I could afford....and then I'd tell them to stop their damn crying!

....Update: this is for Jim...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

WTF Wednesday

So I'm on Facebook, trying to take tests, answer quizzes, poke people, & play games (read: kick Franck's & Billy's butts on music trivia), and each time I click on the button to go to the game/quiz/test I get a message back that says "you have chosen to ignore this person" or something like that...dammit, I don't want my friends to think that I'm ignoring them.


So to any of you that may have received a "Chris has chosen to ignore you & your damn game, because he ain't got time for your monkey ass", please know that this was due to a glitch in the system...after all, I'm all about playing games!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

...Insert Clever Post Title Here...

Holy Moley, I've been neglecting this blog for nearly a week now, and I have to apologize to the 10's of you that stop by on the regular. Now that my tryptophan coma has finally worn off, I've showered & shaved (down there.......and back there), and I am ready to get back to the true purpose of my life: blogging.

Last week was a very relaxing week for me. I had Wednesday thru Sunday off and basically didn't do shit. I had an entire list of things to get done over the holiday (seriously, I make daily lists of men things to do) & I only accomplished about 1/4 of the "to do's". I did watch a lot of movies, played some video games, & I even watched some trash TV, such as that Tila Tequila show & I Love New York 2....seriously, both of these bishes are ridiculous!

Tila is just nasty...her body's ok, but that face? Looks like she played "chicken" with a Mack truck & failed to put her brakes on.....yuck!...Why would any of these guys/lezzies be interested in her? Yeah, I already know....this is a chance for these people to get their 15 minutes of fame, but damn, that just seems so sad & desperate. This show is so stupid & I'm pissed off that:

1). I got sucked in & wasted an hour watching this freak show and,
2). I was fooled by the boyish lezzie.

I seriously thought that she was a cute boy, until I turned up the volume & heard her speak...FYI, this isn't the 1st time a lez has fooled me, but that's a post for another day!

As for "New York", this show is a guilty pleasure of mine. I can see why the mens on this show "got love for New York" ....it's her T&A. Yes, yes, y'all, New York is crazy, air-headed, acts a little slutty, has a five-head, and is dumber than a box of hair extensions, but she cracks my butt up! I'm really hoping that poor little NY can find true love this season...and if she ever gets tired of "The Entertainer", I'd be more than happy to"entertain" him myself....I hear he sucks a toe like nobody else.....'mkay!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!



Happy Thanksgiving, Bitches!



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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Got Wax?

I know that this may offend some of you & you...but I simply must address this serious issue, and I can no longer remain silent...

Dear Madonna...your little clone's hormones are out of control. Lil Lourdes' mustache is thicker than mine!...and those brows?! Do your child a favor & pluck those caterpillars off of her forehead, before the teasing from her school chums becomes too much, and she lashes out and turns into Amy Winehouse. She does go to school, right?

Oh, I know, 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'...but I say screw the shit talkers who'll say what they will, if/when you finally take care of Lola's facial hair. You think they (we) ain't talking smack about it already?

Don't even get me started on her dandruff problem (snowflakes my ass!).






Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Girl, Get Nasty !


This past Sunday, I spent some time cruising the videos on XTube YouTube looking for something new, fresh, & fun-kay...and I'd like to share with you my recent discovery. Some of you may already know of Iowa's finest, as I'm always the last one to arrive to the party...anyhoo, check out Leslie Hall singing my new favorite jam for Fall 2007: "How We Go Out"...she kind of reminds me of Cazwell a little bit.






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"Watch My Mouth" by Cazwell

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Crouching Homo, Hidden Tempura

Oh Happy Day, the boss is away....btw, the boss shall herewith (forthwith? onward? do you give a shit?) be referred to as "Jerusalem Slim"...a coworker (the only one in this group I can bear) decided that he needed a code name (so that we could freely talk smack about him & not have to worry too much about it getting back to him) ....so I came up with "Slim", but he thought that to be too obvious, so he added "Jerusalem"....I'd say for no rhyme or reason, but actually, it does rhyme...kinda...so bite me!

Anyhoo...my entire work group thought that it'd be fun to take a 2 hour sushi lunch to celebrate the absence of Jerusalem Slim....I wasn't in the mood to hang out with this group of dullards, so I quickly 'remembered' that I already had a lunch date, "with a friend at a Mexican restaurant nearby"...it's too bad that they wanted Japanese today, 'cause I've been craving sushi for quite awhile now & they really got my crave going. My 'lunch date' turned out to be a little retail therapy at the local mall, where there was a sushi joint in the food court.....wheee!

You know, it's really pitiful that I felt like I had to "smuggle" my tempura plate back to my desk (I spent way too much time shopping & had to get my order to go). One of these days I'll grow up & simply state "no thanks", the next time I am asked to join them for lunch...."no thanks"...and no explanation needed (although, they WILL ask "but why not?").

So here I sit....clandestinely eating some really tasty skrimps, zucchini & sweet potatoes! I almost got caught wanking in the men's room with a shrimp tail in my hand by a nosey coworker who wanted to know "how my lunch date went". I really had to restrain myself from not shouting: "It was fantastic since you lot weren't there, draining my patience & sucking out any joy I was feeling"....but 'tis the season to be joyous & shit, so I maintained my cool & mentioned that "the margaritas were great!"....me so phony!

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Friday, November 16, 2007

Thank God I'm Fabulous (or TGIF)

This week has just really sucked ass, and not in the way that I like...but it's Friday & I'm in an off-site training session for most of the day, so things are looking up.

So, here I sit, at he back of the room, doing naughty things like reading blogs & typing up this post (wheee)! Hope all of your weekends kick arse!

Hey Paul: Let's get our "chug" on!

I snatched the above pic from the mega-fabulous Rad Homo...check him out!

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

All About The 80's

It's in the upper 80's today and that's just crazy! When is L.A. going to go back to normal and cool down??

So when I went to the mall during my lunch break, I wasn't too surprised to see so many people in shorts, t-shirts & flip-flops. However, I was surprised to see this guy hanging out in the food court, sporting an 80's Gay Clone look...you know what I'm talking about, right?...[crew cut, wife beater, 501's (he was wearing long, denim shorts), construction worker boots, scrunchy socks, bushy moustache, and a very worked out body]...now, picture a Cornish game hen stuffed into the crotch of his shorts....this man had a ginormous package bulging down the side of his leg...ay papi!

For being a man of a certain age, he honestly looked pretty damn good (I won't even mention the unnatural shade of auburn he dyed his hair)...yeah, ok...as outdated as his "look" was, he still looked kinda sexy & I have to admit that the package was a nice touch....BUT.....in the mall??....with kids & women around?? I think that he should've saved those shorts for somewhere a little bit more appropriate....like at the gym/the gay bars/bath houses/or maybe even hanging out on my street corner.

I'm always amazed at how some people maintain a certain look (that's clearly gone out of vogue) for ages....especially when it's a gay man living in L.A (or any other metropolis)...and here I was, questioning my decision whether or not I should move ahead with my plans to grow my hair out... long on one side, perming it & then cutting it in an asymmetrical angle...some of you remember that look, right?....hot...I know!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's All Billy's Fault


Ever since Billy mentioned the pumpkin loaf he got from Starbucks, I've been secretly obsessing over it for days. So today, I gave in to temptation and got me a slice. Oh Lordy, all 3,600 calories & 750 carbs were soooo worth it....I'm heading to the gym tonight to work some of it off, so I'm not feeling too guilty....and besides, I didn't eat the entire slice...

...See:




Monday, November 12, 2007

I Got My Hair Did

Jebus H. Fuckin Christmas!....I got a haircut on Saturday, and the bitch that has been doing my 'do (for nearly a year) fucked up royally...I get a haircut about every 3 weeks and I never have to tell her what to do & haven't been disappointed yet....until last Saturday that is. I knew she screwed up when I caught her in the mirror with that "oh shit, what do I do now to fix it?" look...I prayed that I had mistaken that look for the classic "Oh Crap...I have to fart, but I don't want this Fag to hear/smell me."

I wasn't wearing my glasses, so when she was done, she handed me a greasy mirror for my approval, and my blind ass thought that the hairdo was looking pretty fly...and then I got home & masturbated 3 times checked my look in the bathroom mirror & shrieked like a spoiled O.C. brat, who's been denied a Mercedes Benz on his Sweet 16th.

The sides of my hair are so short that my scalp is clearly visible (read: you can clearly see any & all zits through my wiry Latino hair). I also have a "step". I was going to post a pic, but I really can't afford anyone else (I have such lovely daughters) laughing at me....the worst part is that I tipped my stylist $10...oh, I know I'm overreacting & that the hair will grow back...I just hate looking like an asshole!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Pulling Back The Curtain

A long ass time ago, I was tagged by Synrgy & Jay to do a meme that revealed 5, or maybe it was 8 things about myself that no one really knows (I can't remember which, so you're getting 5)....sorry guys for the extreme procrastination, but here you go:

One
I used to be married...yes, to a woman for about 12 years. Oh, it's that classic, age-old story of high school sweet hearts falling in love, the slutty girl gets pregnant by a gay-boy-in-denial, they both become overwhelmed by the guilt & shame of bringing a child into this world to unwed parents, so they do the "right thing" and get married at the tender age of 22 & try to make it work.

To be honest, I did love her once upon a time...for many years in fact. I've known her since we were both 15...we grew up together...she was my first kiss/my first sexual experience. I witnessed the mental abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) that her mother put upon her. I wanted to rescue her from that awful existence. I swore that I would protect her from the demons of her past and take her away from all of that misery someday. So,when she got pregnant, I knew what I had to do. Her mom was a single mother and I saw how much she struggled just to make ends meet. I felt like it was my responsibility to help break this cycle. So we wed.

The first few years of our marriage were pretty good, actually. We were kids playing house, struggling to make the rent, but we got along ok. Then things began to change...for me especially. I could no longer deny my sexuality. I wanted to be with men, but I didn't want to cheat on my wife. She also wanted to be with other men, and didn't care about cheating on me...so she did. Eventually things got pretty bad & the marriage fell apart....we became roommates & only stayed together for as long as we did, due to financial reasons. In 2002, we split & divorced shortly after...luckily, the divorce was amicable & today we're on good terms.

Two
When I started this blog, I made the decision that this was going to be a venue where I would write all about me, me & me. I wasn't going to discuss my family or close friends (without their direct consent). My intention was to protect the innocent from being unwillingly or unknowingly put out there for all the world "to see"....but now I'm thinking that maybe it's time I re-evaluate that decision, especially in regards to discussing my immediately family. I have nothing to hide...I feel only love & pride when it comes to my family/home life.

So on that note, I'd like to share the fact that I've been blessed with two beautiful daughters... Lauren is 16 & Madison is 13 years old...Lauren is her mother's daughter (passive, artistic, sometimes shy, always kind, intelligent & self-less). Madison is definitely her father's daughter (outspoken, direct, gregarious, & tenacious as hell). With such differing personalities, they complement each other quite well.

Both of these gifts brighten my days, give me a purpose in this world, make my life worth living, and give me strength to keep fighting on, especially during those times when the darkness creeps in & all I want to do is to give in to it...I'm always amazed at the power that they (secretly) have over me. I'd do things for my girls that I'd do for no other...they've also brought out a self-less quality in me that I never knew existed....yes, I used to be a real selfish bastard...so stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be bragging about them from time to time here.

Three
My sense of smell is dead. To be more accurate, I have Hyposmia... a reduced ability to smell and to detect odors. I can only smell very few things in this world such as : gasoline, popcorn, garlic, coffee, a few spices, and sometimes I can even smell shit (FYI, I can smell "Bull-Shit"a mile away, so don't even try lying to me). What a nasty little trick Baby Jebus played on me by giving me a giant nose & making it nearly useless...oh, if you're ever in my presence and feel the need to fart, go for it & let 'er rip!....I won't complain....seriously.


Four
When I was a teen, I was in a band.....ok, it was my high school marching band & I played the trumpet for 4 years. I've lost that ability, as well as the ability to read music, although I do remember some kind of mnemonic device for reading music notes...something about Every Gay Boy Digs Fashion...and this one time, at band camp...

Five
I have two brothers (in their very early 20's) & two sisters (33 & 45 years old) ...I'm the 2nd oldest child.....quite an age range, no? I have a Lezzie sister & a homo brother....so that means that 60% of my parent's kids turned out Queer...wheeeee!. My brother got outed, when my Mom walked into his bedroom to drop off his laundry (spoiled brat), and caught him getting his freak on (with his trick of the week)....if memory serves, I think she temporarily went blind...poor Mama! My Lesbionic sister almost got married to a guy that was using her for her money...we had to smack down a family intervention on her delusional ass, to help her realize that he really was scum.

So there you go....5 little gems about little old me....now don't y'all feel even closer to me now?

...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Noche de Los Freaks

Last Saturday night, I went to Ripples in Long Beach...so much fun was had there, and I have to say that it was mainly due to some of the "performers"that showed up to personally entertain me. Here's a recap of what kept me giggling all night:

The Goth Couple
There comes a time, in every young Goth's life, when theblack hair dye, makeup, & vampire wardrobe all needs to be saved for Halloween. So when you're in your 30's, and haven't realized this fact of life yet, it just reads as sad...but there they were, in a gay bar, in full Gothic regalia no less....a male & female 30-something "couple". To get a visual on these 2, just picture you're basic Goth look, you know, he wore black pants, long sleeved black t-shirt, long jet-black hair....she was a vision in black in her floor length skirt, long sleeved shirt, club kid shoes, and fish net "gloves".....now, to complete that visual please add about 300 pounds to each of them.....yup...I hope describing this couple doesn't put me in a bad light or bring my integrity into question...I'm just trying to paint a picture here.

So the real fun started when this Hot Homo got up on the Lady Goth and started to grind on her lower stomach(s)...for a long time. Boy Goth was clearly not amused, said something to the Hottie, who in turn said something offensive to BG...and that's when BG grabbed his "girlfriend" by the hand, pulled her away from the dry humping she was getting & started to blubber about 2 feet away from me....so sad.

The Mexi-Freak
I see this same Latino guy around all the bars in Long Beach, and he always makes me feel a little dirty/disgusted for watching him dance. He spent most of the night bent over like the letter "r" wiggling his ass, dancing in a squatted position, staring down any guy that he caught gawking at him (including me)...yikes! It's one thing to freak another guy, but when you're doing that to a mirrored column, it really looks desperate...damn, save that for the privacy of your livingroom!

The Go-Go Dancer
Good Laaaawwdy...there he was up on the dance cube, looking like a porn star from the 80's...perfect hair, gorgeous face, amazing body without a hint of hair follicle on him...with a gigantic magic stick hanging out of his speedo, pointing south. His third leg was wrapped up in a home made "sock" that was flesh colored. From where I was standing, I thought it was a dildo hanging out of his chonies at first, but upon further inspection, I confirmed that it was him...all him....and boy was there a lot of him...ok, I'll stop now.

The Parking Lot Couple
I guess the Go-Go Dancer got a couple guys really turned on (besides me), and they just couldn't make it to a bed in time...in fact, they couldn't even make it all the way into their car. The driver was getting a nice blow job (I'm assuming he was enjoying it from all of the loud moaning he was doing), while the guy "giving" was on his knees (on the asphalt), with the front door wide open. Of course we had the good fortune of parking directly in front of them, but they didn't even pause when we had our headlights shining on them....Shameful!....but still a little hot!

Yeah, I'm still giggling!
...

Monday, November 5, 2007

Real Men Sew

Ok, so I'm probably going to shock you all by admitting that I loves me some Project Runway...it's true....and I'm counting the days 'til the start of the 4th season (Nov 14th).

Here are some of the guys (the one's that I think are hot anyway) on season 4 of Project Runway...there are 3 other guys & a bunch of chicks on the show as well, but really, I didn't deem them bed worthy enough to copy/paste their mugs here.




Rami (it's in his eyes), Jack (Hubba Hubba), & Marion (He's 39!!!)



Kevin (I loves me some Sicilian Sausage) & Ricky (graduated from my school ~ Cal State Univ Long Beach!)

Just a forewarning, if y'all try to contact me while the show's on, I ain't gonna answer the phone or the door.

Carry On!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

It's All About the 'Brow


I think next year for Hallowe'en I'm going to dress up as a Starbuck drinkin Chola.

All I need is a Sharpie Pen, a wig, face makeup (5 shades lighter than the skin on my neck), and some baggy clothes...these bitches is fierce, and each one can probably kick my ass & not spill a drop of coffee doing it.

Represent!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Denied

Today is a very dark day indeed...One of the real pleasures in my life has been taken away from me, denied of my daily pleasure am I. The bastard Internet monitors at my J-O-B have blocked access to any and all of the blogs that I read on the daily.

I think this course of action calls for my immediate resignation...or maybe I'll just permanently "borrow" a laptop from one of my coworkers...I need some token of consolation...Dammit, now what will I do for 6 hours every day?...work?...highly unlikely.

I need a tall, cool, stiff one to make me feel better...or perhaps a drinky-drink will do the trick.

[deep, defeated sigh!]

Monday, October 29, 2007

At Last...


I finally got to meet one of my favorite bloggers, Paul, this weekend (what a hottie!). He was going to be in L.A. for part of the weekend, so I begged bribed invited him to stop by my place, so I could liquor him up & take advantage of him show him around Long Beach. Paul is so well endowed much fun, and I knew right away that things were going well, once we started to fart in front of each other...or in my case, me farting on Paul.

Paul was a blast! I gave him a quick blow job tour of the city, we went to dinner, saw a movie (we were not amused), and then got our drink(s) on...Our time together flew by way too fast, but we said that we'd meet up again soon, and I'm definitely holding him to that promise.

Thanks for a great time Paulie...I miss you already!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Dumbledore is Gay...[gasp!]




Well one of 'em is...get your T-shirt here.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Start Your Shopping Engines...


Two more months, people...I've got a feeling that this year is going to be a good one! Please remember that I like shiny things that cost a lot of money...like a stainless steel, rhinestone encrusted toaster oven that has an iPod adapter...oh, yeah, I want a matching iPod too...


But seriously, Christmas isn't about expensive gifts...it's about fellowship, celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus, and....ok, I can't continue with that load of crap...Happy Shopping!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I Confess

I've been tagged by Robert to answer the following questions...Praise Jebus, cause I had nothing to write about today:

Taken a picture completely naked? Nope.

Made out with a friend on your MySpace/Facebook page? Not yet.

Danced in front of your mirror naked? Many times.

Told a lie? NEVER! (hahahaha!)

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yes...back in 2002, I was head over heels for this guy that I would see at a local dance club (Fire Island), and I'd try to work up the courage every week to say hello, but never did...he had no idea I existed...the ironic thing is that I saw him last Saturday at Ripples, and he looked exactly the same...but I felt NOTHING for him.

Been arrested? No.....I run fast.

Made out with someone of the same sex? Hells yeah!

Seen someone die? No.

Slept in until 5pm? All the time in college.

Had sex at work? Define "Sex".

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes....8:00 AM classes should be banned.

Held a snake? Quite a few times...[wink]

Ran a red light? Yup.

Been suspended from school? No, but almost got suspended in college, when a professor busted me & my classmate for copying each other's homework...what a lame reason to get kicked out....we begged (classmate cried) for mercy & got it.

Totaled your car in an accident? Nearly totaled.....twice....both times were NOT my fault.

Pole danced? Does a floor lamp count?

Smoked? Nope.

Been fired from a job? Yes....when I was 16, I was a box-boy for a local market...the manager accused me of hiding out/sleeping in the backroom....actually I was drinking wine coolers in the ice box.

Sang karaoke? Never...my singing voice is very similar to the sound of a goose....being strangled.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes....way too many times.....I even did SOMEONE I told myself I wouldn't.

Laughed until a drink came out your nose? Milk, soda, water, and whiskey....all seperate occasions.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.....it was D'Lish!

Kissed in the rain? Several times.....me likey.

Sang in the shower? Yes...I'm a legend in my bathroom.

Given your private parts a nickname? "It"....as in: .....Suck "it" !

Ever gone out without underwear? Yes. it was a little uncomfortable, but I felt so naughty.

Sat on a roof top? Yes.

Played chicken? Never played chicken, but definitely choked a chicken.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes....and that shit ain't funny (unless you're doing the pushing).

Broken a bone? No...but I have popped one.

Mooned/flashed someone? Yes and yes.....Grandma did NOT find that amusing.

Shaved your head? No...me head's too lumpy.

Slept naked? Yes.....Thank Jebus for bleach!

Played a prank on someone? Oh child, all the time!.

Had a gym membership? Yes....finally putting it to good use.

Felt like killing someone? Have I mentioned my coworkers yet?

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes....both.

Cried over someone you were in love with? Yes.

Had sex more than 10 times in one day? No. I never did Ecstasy.

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No....that's just sad.

Been in a band? Yes, a Marching band...I played trumpet.

Subscribed to Maxim? Yuck.....that's not my bag baby.

Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? No....I don't do shots....I'm a classy 'Mo....I like my booze in a big glass...with fruit & umbrellas falling out of it.

Shot a gun? No...but I've shot a load.....(last night).

Had sex today? No.....sigh.

Played strip poker? No...I only play video poker.

Tripped on mushrooms? The only tripping I do is over my feet.

Donated Blood? Yes....a very long time ago before I started to sleep with the mens.

Video taped yourself having sex? No...I'd be too concerned about how I looked to have a good time.

Eaten alligator meat? No. but they do make nice shoes/bags.

Ever jump out of an airplane? No.

Have you been to more than 10 countries? No....sigh.

Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend? Yes...names witheld to prevent any embarassment.


So there you have it...now I'm supposed to tag five other bloggers to repeat this meme, so I choose: Joe, CB, Terrence, Atari, & Jules.

...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Scary Monsters !


This is what happens to leather that sits out in the sun for way too long! I mean, come on....Donatella looks like a man in a wig, who's been punched in the face (a few times) & Iggy Pop looks like he's homeless, with that nasty, dirty hair...Ick!

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Dirty Blow Job

It's that time of year again...the warm Santa Ana winds are blowing through SoCal, igniting wildfires & causing residents of Malibu to flee their multi-million $ homes yet again....silly rich people...they never learn!

Yeah, the winds were really blowing Sunday afternoon....I thought it'd be a good idea to open up all the windows & doors to vent out my stuffy house. The winds got so strong that potted plants on my front porch were being knocked over, doors in the house were slamming shut, and about a dozen palm fronds were scattered all over my front lawn....what a mess them Santa Ana winds made.

There's something about this kind of weather that puts me in a real sleazy cleaning mood....so I gave my house a really good scrubbing....from the front door to the back...I didn't take a break until after I'd made dinner & finally plopped my butt down in front of the TV to relax & unwind.....and that's when I noticed the layer of dirt all over my coffee table, end tables, TV, and ottomans......dammit....those F*ckin winds blew in all kinds of filth into my house!!...guess that's what I get for laughing at those Malibu fools....Karma be damned!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Flashback Friday

Senior Prom - 1986


I know it...that hairdo is the bomb, right? AquaNet was my friend (as was a crimping iron)...This pic brings back so many good memories....of that Swatch Watch...it was also the bomb...but then I had to go & lose it on a beach!


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Feeling Flabulous!

I've noticed in some recent photos that I've put on a few pounds over the last few weeks. Dammit...my secondary chins were starting to recede, but then I return to poor eating habits (McGrease & Taco Smell for lunch), and stop working out for almost an entire week...well, the fat party's over y'all....time to kiss fatty foods & carbs good-bye (again)...and I'll be renewing my commitment to having more sex (any takers?) visiting the gym every other day.

This week, at the workplace, has been especially tough for me as on Tuesday we celebrated "Boss Day" (WTF??!!) & this week is also Accounts Payable Recognition Week...translation: there are goodies everywhere you look...

Maybe I should take advantage of my gag reflex & take the easy way out....just pig out, then puke it all away (nah, I can't stand the aftertaste).....or maybe I could get weekly hydro colonics (nah, I'm not a bottom....hope that doesn't disappoint anyone)....Jebus give me strength!

Well Jebus did help to suppress my appetite today, due to me seeing a German Shepherd lying dead on the 605 freeway....headless....I shit you not....his head was lying a few yards away from his body.....just how in the hell did his head get lopped off?...Never mind, I'd rather not know.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

My NYC Visit

Here's a breakdown of what I did during my (way too short) NYC visit...this is gonna be a long post.

Wednesday
  • Arrived in NYC around 4:00 pm....got to the hotel around 5:00 pm (stayed in Chelsea).
  • Saw Spring Awakening at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre @ 8:00 pm.
  • Ate dinner at Pigalle @ 10:30 pm...crazy fast service & excellent food (I had the skirt steak).

Pigalle


Thursday

  • Walking tour of SoHo, Nolita, & Tribeca @ 10:00 am...this was great, as it was just my friend Les, the guide & me.
  • Lunch at Ideya in SoHo for some Cuban/Caribbean food (grilled salmon, salad & plantains for me). For real: their batidos (cold drink made with your choice of fruit puree, milk, coconut cream, nutmeg & rum) are a must....slurp!
  • Shopping in SoHo...bought some Dunnys & a mousepad at KidRobot.
  • Disco napped due to the sudden rain.
  • Happy Hour at Honey in Chelsea ($5 martinis!!)...this place just opened last August, so they're still working on building up its clientele...this place is the epitome of NY cool...I'll definitely be back.
  • Dinner at Birdland (a jazz supper club) @ 7:00 pm & the performance @ 8:30 pm.
  • Drinks in Hell's kitchen were had first at Posh Bar and then some more boozing at Therapy.

Ideya


KidRobot Store

Honey Bar - Chelsea

Friday

  • Breakfast at Room Service Restaurant in Chelsea...really affordable, tasty food (for two breakfasts & 2 mimosas, the bill was under $24)...what a great find!
  • Walked around Central Park to work off breakfast, and to make room for lunch (hot dogs, warm peanuts & a diet Pepsi)...I loves me some warm nuts!
  • I wanted to feel like a big shit shot so we tried to get our afternoon drink on at the bar in the Park Plaza, but dammit, it's still closed due to renovations....so we sashayed on over to the Ritz-Carlton instead, for some white wine & some satay...this hotel is gorgeous...I want to stay here just for a night, but I'll have to steal someone's credit card first....I tried to snap a few pics in the restroom (which was bigger than our hotel room) but kept getting interrupted...if you're ever in the area, do yourself a favor & check out the restrooms...gorgeous!
  • With my hotel hopping fetish in full swing, I wanted to check out the Hudson Hotel...we walked right past the front door, as you don't really notice it & there isn't any signage...I vote for having the next BBHH at their outdoor rooftop patio/bar...this hotel is uber chic/cool (like me!)
  • Boy Blogger Happy Hour at XES @ 5:00 pm.....the highlight of my trip!
  • The BBHH after party (Rey, Billy, Daryl, Les, & me) moved onto Barracuda and didn't end til around 2:00 am.
  • Grabbed dinner at some pizza joint around 2:15 am....not good, I know, but the pizza was damn tasty (like me)!

Room Service


Central Park - The Mall




Park Plaza

The Star Lounge @ the Ritz Carlton



The Star Lounge @ the Ritz Carlton



The Hudson Hotel - Registration area



The Hudson Hotel - Outdoor Bar

Saturday

  • Overslept and was running late for our trip to the Cloisters...was supposed to meet up with Eric for lunch, but blew him off (sorry Boo!)...it's amazing how secluded you feel from the city up on that hill...beautiful....since time was an issue, we didn't get to spend as much time here as I'd like.
  • Saw Hairspray at 2:00 pm....no time for lunch, so I literally shoved a corn dog in my mouth while waiting in line....and I can hear you all giggling!....I loved Hairspray...the best part was when Jim J Bullock lost it, during a song with the mother (played by Paul Vogt) and couldn't stop laughing...the audience went nuts! Lance Bass played Corny Collins and was actually pretty good (but then again, I'm easy to please.....mmmkay?)
  • Spent some time window shopping 5th Ave...I can't believe that Mexx (one of my favorite clothing stores in NY) has closed up shop in the U.S. (boo!)...for shits-n-giggles, we went into Bergdorf Goodman to giggle at the price tags...then I used their loo to take a dump...told you, shits-n-giggles!
  • Walked right past Missy Elliot on 5th Ave, with her entourage carrying all of her bags from Fendi & Gucci....she was sporting jeans and a turquoise blue sequined hoody (hood over her head) with a lollipop in mouth.
  • Checked out the Top of the Rock at dusk...we were there at the best time with perfect weather.
  • Dinner at Colas in Chelsea...great Italian food at very reasonable prices.
  • Disco napped before heading out to the East Village to go bar hopping with Rey where we checked out: Urge (the go-go boys here are yummy!), Boysroom (saw Cazwell), Phoenix, and then Nowhere Bar (loved the 80's music they were playing)...then we grabbed a bite to eat (cheeseburger) and got back to the hotel just before 5:00 am!!!



The Cloisters

The Cloisters

Taken from Top of The Rock

Sunday

  • Overslept again & almost missed checkout....had to cancel brunch plans with Rey, but will have to make it up to him someday.
  • Packed like a madman & had a car drive me to the airport to take me back to reality...boo!

NYC Souvenirs!