Monday, March 31, 2008

Forgetful Fool

Last Friday, as I was leaving my office (ECSTATIC that the weekend was finally here), I noticed from the building's entrance that my car wasn't where I'd parked it. I was running a little late in the morning, so when I got to work the lot was already full & I was forced to park on the street. Slightly panicking, I tried to relive the morning in my mind,..I could clearly picture myself parking on the street, across from the house with the yellow irises...and right now that spot was clearly empty.

I had a sudden flashback to a summer memory from my preteen years. I was locking up my beloved cherry-red Schwinn beach cruiser at my local public swimming pool. As I was wrapping the chain through the front tire, a guy sitting on the grass nearby (with 3 other losers) yelled at me to "lock that bike up real good boy, cuz it might not be there when you get done swimming."

When I finished my swimming session, I noticed that he wasn't BS'ing me, My bike was gone....well, most of it. In my ignorance, I only locked up the front tire, so all the guy had to do was detach the tire from the frame and he had a nearly new bike. I froze in place when I saw the locked tire. I was too embarrassed to walk any where near the bike rack, so I walked home...crying most of the way. I remember getting yelled at by my father when I told him what had happened. I remember yelling back at him that I had paid for the bike with the money I earned from mowing lawns and that he had no reason to yell at me. I also remember the slap that I got for yelling at him.

*** End of Flashback ***

A few moments later, my body is awash in embarrassment. I feel extremely foolish. I feel somewhat senile, but mostly I feel relieved....why, you's because at that glorious moment, I remembered that I moved my car at lunch, and there she sat in the middle of the parking lot.

Hmm...the joys (?!) of getting older.

Shut up, I can hear you all snickering...bitches!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tag, I'm It!

My Baby Daddy tagged me with a meme so here's my shot at it. Warning: my take is pretty silly...nothing cerebral about this post, but that's just where my head is today....up in the clouds!

1. Pick a single person, past or present, in the film industry who you'd like to have dinner with, and tell us why you chose this person.

  • Jason Statham...because he is my celebrity crush du jour...I am in love with this man's physical appearance (and husky voice), and he makes the kinds of movies I'd star in...if I had his bod & martial arts skills.

2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details.

  • I would treat Jason to dinner at Yamashiro in Hollywood. I'd dress him up in a black & sheer shirt from International Male (top 3 buttons undone), paired with low-rise, black velvet tuxedo pants, and finished off with a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes (oh, ho-nay... he'd be looking all kinds of homo)...I'd be dressed a bit more conservative: black flat front slacks, paired with a crisp white cotton dress shirt, black leather sandals (I've got summer on my mind).
  • We'd start off with sashimi and then work our way up to surf & turf....many drinks would be, um, drinked (drank?, drunk?) foot would "accidentally" caress his inner thigh many, many, many times throughout dinner....oops, I'm digressing...onto the next question.

3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.

  • 1. You were an Olympic Diver on the British National Diving Team (finished 12th in the World Championships in 1992)...if acting didn't work out for you, would you still be pursuing this?
  • 2. Are the rumors true about a Transporter 3 movie & another Italian Job movie?
  • 3. Would you be down with helping me make an "I'm f*cking Jason Statham" video....Jason, please bear in mind that this will require you to be nude & aroused during most of the video...for artistic value?
  • 4. You used to me a model, why can't I find any nakey pics of you online?
  • 5. If I were to tell you that I was dying a slow death, would you help me fulfill a lifelong quest to recreate the oiled up fight scene from The Transporter?
4. When all is said and done, select bloggers to pass this Meme along to. I choose you Pikachu(s):
5. Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre, so that people know the mastermind behind this meme.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I Aint Got No Accent !

I took this little quiz, and it confirmed what I already knew.

I am interested in what Paul's results will be...I swear he's a closeted southern boy...every now and again he'll slip his wang a drawl out...but he'll deny this and spank me with his wang just say: "I aint got no accent!"

What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Midland

"You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.

The West
North Central
The Inland North
The South
The Northeast
What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Fo Shizzle !

I called in sick to work yesterday....2nd Monday in a row...I'm sure the boss is a little suspicious, but I don't care...I really was sick.

I had to tell my boss a (white) lie when he asked me what was wrong. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. A "killer sinus headache" sounds so much more dignified than the truth: I've got the shizzles and I'm afraid that I'd crap my pants, while driving in to work.

Here's another confession: I loves me some Pepto Bismol...mmm...tasty....but I must've become immune to the stuff, because it just didn't shut the flood gates down. So much of my morning was spent on the pot, whispering desperate prayers to the Little Baby Jebus for help.

I finally felt like a fully functioning human around 1:00 pm, so I showered, ate a sammy, and then went to a local photo shop to have my pic taken for my passport. I was surprisingly happy with the way the pic turned out (I only saw one chin), and within 5 minutes I was on my way to my next stop, the Downtown Long Beach post office, to drop off my passport paperwork....what a nightmare!

The passport window was severely understaffed. They have 4 windows, but only one clerk was working yesterday. At 2:00 pm, an announcement was made that at 3:00 pm, numbers would be handed out to 8 people and anyone beyond the 8th person would have to return another day.

I started to stress out & get anxious that I spent all this time in line for nothing...I was getting visions of the 3 o'clock hour, where I'd be the 9th fool in line...I saw me losing my cool and falling to the floor in a spasmodic seizure, speaking in tongues, and then being forcibly thrown out onto the pavement, still convulsing...but all that praying in the morning actually did me some good....I was Lucky #8.

The clerk was happy, grateful even, with the thoroughness of my application, and she was finished with me in about 10 minutes...there was one little problem. The pictures that I just had taken would most likely be rejected by the passport processing agency. My glasses were casting shadows under my eyes and that is a big no-no. I didn't see it, but the clerk did & she offered to retake my pic (no charge). I had to pose in a seriously unflattering position to prevent any glare/shadows. So basically my new pic is creepy looking....I have my chin(s) smashed into my chest, while I'm looking up at the camera...uggh!

I really don't care now....only a handful of people will ever see that pic...London & Paris, here I come (May 2008)!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Friday Confessions

  • I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, and now I'm afraid to lift my arms.

  • When no one's looking, I like to drink milk/soda/juice straight from the carton.

  • I love to watch really bad Kung-Fu movies....the kind with poorly dubbed English voice overs.

  • I want to learn how to sew...on a sewing machine, so that I can expand my wardrobe for pennies on the dollah!

  • I like to pee sitting down.


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring Awakening !

Today is the first day of spring....I feel like going out and buying myself something!....or maybe I'll just wash my sheets when I get home tonight.

That's how fabulously I roll, baby!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Know Thy Neighbor

I stayed home again yesterday...I still sick. During the ungodly hour of early morning (9:00 am-ish), I was awoken by the sound of a large dog barking. So I crawled out of bed to peep out my front window. There was a large dog on my front lawn, barking at a fallen palm frond. His master was talking on his cell phone, oblivious to his dog's loud rude! As I started to turn away from my bedroom window, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the dog assuming the position that said : "I'm about to shit right here on your nice green lawn."

I went back to peeping my neighbor & his dog, to make sure that he shitt leaves when they do. The dog finished his business, the owner reaches into his back pocket, I feel relief wash over me, the guy scratches his ass cheek, turns and walks away. Oh, Hell to the Naw! I ran into the kitchen to grab some plastic bags for the guy to use, throw on a pair of shorts & a t-shirt, run out the front door, only to find that they are gone. I walked up to the street corner, but discover that they are completely out of sight.

So I leave the poo on the front lawn. It's on the narrow strip that's close to the street anyway. Besides, the gardeners will be here in a couple days...they can deal with it. A few hours later, I went out to get something for lunch, and that's when I noticed that the poo is gone. Either the dog owner went home, fetched a bag, and walked back to pick up the shit (highly unlikely) or one of my neighbors felt bad and trashed the crap for me. I have such nice neighbors....

There are exceptions...

If you live in the Belmont Heights/Bluff Heights areas of Long Beach, be aware of this freak show that walks the streets. There's this tall, skinny, redneck (forgive that racist remark, there was no other way to put it) that walks around carrying a bucket. I've seen him many times washing store front windows....or harassing strangers.

As I walked past him once, he turned around and practically yelled at me: "Sup dude?!!"....the next time I saw this guy, he was walking across the street from me and then I heard him yell: "What the f*ck you looking at faggot!"....I turned, assuming the Crane style Kung-Fu fighting stance, but saw that he wasn't yelling at me, but was yelling at a guy that was a few feet in front of him. His victim quickly crossed the street, but Le Freak continued to scream at him. He went berserk and was screaming all kinds of craziness. He was beating his chest and threatening the guy's life saying that "he'd kill all faggots in Long Beach".

The next time I saw him (about 2 weeks ago), I heard him yelling at a couple of guys across the street from him. He was calling them the "N" word and telling them to get out of "his town". The guys that he was yelling at were a couple of muscled out Samoan guys that were calling him out on his threats. I thought that he was finally going to be taught a lesson by these guys, but the freak kept on walking AWAY from them, continuing to yell out all kinds of obscenities.

I'm hoping that his punk-ass is currently sitting a jail cell with a very well-endowed, horny man that's teaching him just who the faggot is now.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I'm feeling a little under the weather today, so I stayed home from work. This cold I've been dealing with for the past week is finally starting to die.

I also stayed home to work on updating my resume for a few job openings that were recently added to my company's job board. I'm not even sure if it's worth updating my resume though, as something happened to me this weekend that has me thinking about changing careers.

My car keys got locked inside my car...they were left on the passenger seat...and of course I do not have a spare key. A loved one accidentally left them on the seat, when she went to retrieve her cell phone that she left in my car. The ironic thing is that when I handed over my keys, I said "don't lock the keys in the car"....guess I jinxed myself.

So after about 30 minutes of trying to unlock the door(s) with a wire hanger (I keep a bunch in the laundry room for art projects, plumbing needs, and S&M scenes), I finally admitted defeat and called a locksmith. I swear, I used to be so good at using a wire hanger as a makeshift "Slim-Jim", but I guess that teen talent (like my 30" waist) is gone.
So this locksmith shows up with a wedge and a Slim-Jim and within 10 seconds has my car door unlocked...and I'm $60 poorer. Now that's an easy way to make a quick no less!

Have a good day ya'll and don't drink too much green beer tonight...I'm off to have a couple duplicate keys made!

Friday, March 14, 2008


These are some of things that I am currently enjoying:

Book: Lisey's Story by Stephen King

Alcoholic Drink: Whiskey Sour (made with Maker's Mark)

Non-Alcoholic Drink: AquaFina FlavorSplash - Raspberry flavor

Music: Goldfrapp - Seventh Tree

Cell Phone: BlackBerry Pearl (don't own it yet, but working on it)

Shoes: Adidas - Stan Smith Tennis Shoe

Magazine: Bello

Hmm...maybe I can turn this into a meme...I am interested in what y'all are currently digging on, so feel free to post about your own current faves...or not.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Who This Is?

I am completely uninspired to write anything worth reading today, So let's play a game then....I have issues with scary-looking feet/hands...Try to identify who's clod hopper this belongs to:

Hint: It's a biological female with a size 11 foot, that I feel is completely worthless and should be relocated to some obscure land where all cameras/video recorders do not exist.

The first person to correctly guess who this foot belongs to will get a pic of my twig and berries !

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Another Gay Marriage ?

Alex McCord & Simon Van Kempen (wearing a non-gay high school band uniform jacket).

Last night, I finally watched Bravo TV's latest "Housewives" show, The Real Housewives of New York City. I dunno, I'm not as interested in this lot as much as I was with the OC Housewives....and that's not saying much. These NYC ladies just bore me. However, there is one HW that does interest me (a little) and that's Alex McCord. Alex married her Gay Best Friend, Simon Van Kempen. These two lovebirds are inseparable. They are each other's stylist & don't dare go shopping alone. I just love how Alex brings her GBF, I mean husband, along to a "girls night out" party (much to her friend's chagrin).

But life isn't all about shopping with your gay husband or partying in the French West Indies. Alex is a graphic designer & has two children (that are being raised by their live-in Au Pair) . Alex is a former model....check out the pic below for proof of that!

ps: I'd like to give a shout out to the only "housewife" on the show that is actually likable: LuAnn de Lesseps, who is a Countess. Her husband, Alexandre Count de Lesseps, is a French aristocrat. His family gave the U.S. the Statue of Liberty way back when...Can you smell the (old) money? I can, and I want to be her GBF!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Give Gay Marriage A Chance

Mister Star Jones & Miss Al Reynolds are calling it quits after 3 1/2 years. Tabloids are reporting that "They hadn’t been seeing eye to eye for months and had already spent a great deal of time apart," Poor Gay Al got served his walking papers at the end of January. A friend of the couple told the National Enquirer: "Star decided it was over. She told Al at the end of January that he had 30 days to get his act together or ‘get out.’"

Guess he couldn't get his act together in time, as Al has moved some of his things out of their shared Upper East Side apartment & moved back to Non-Gay Miami, where he’d already been spending quite a bit of time recently, doing very Non-Gay things. This is such sad news...but I'm not worried too much about Star Jones....I mean, with a face like hers, she won't be single for long.

Someone sent me this awful pic (below) of the couple, just last week...I debated on whether or not I should post it, (in light of recent news)....but I think that it'd be in bad taste for me NOT to share it with you, she annoys the hell out of me so here you go:

Monday, March 10, 2008

Where'd You Go?

What the huh?....what happened to my weekend? It seems like only yesterday it was Friday and I was walking out of my office, looking forward to a weekend filled with all sorts of fun things to do...and now, here I sit back at my desk and it's Monday?

I didn't so shit over the weekend. Sure, there was laundry that got washed and the weekly food shopping got done, but in between those 2 thrill rides not much else.

The real shame of not doing anything is that the weather was just perfect...and I stayed in all weekend.

Boo! I want a do-over.

Friday, March 7, 2008

To Kill a Mockingbird

Last night, I went to bed in a cloud of Pinot Grigio tipsy-ness. Blessed sleep was sure to come quickly...and it did, but it just didn't last long.

About this time each year, a mockingbird flys back home (to the same Magnolia tree across the street from my house). He started showing off his skills (that's "skillz" to you Rey-Rey) just as I was drifting off to the land of sleep. Yes, I am impressed with how many different bird calls this little f*cker can do, but No, I am not amused at the hour he chooses to do it.

Why do these birds sing only at night (LATE at night) & what are they trying to do...attract other birds. Hasn't evolution taught these creatures by now that other birds are sleeping during their performances?

I was tempted (thanks to the influence of the wine) to scare it out of the tree, but I remembered how he was fearlessly dive bombing a cat sitting in the shade of "his" tree earlier in the day and thought otherwise...that, and the fact that no one needs to see what I look like at bed time...the hair net/mud mask/onesie pajamas combo is a little startling.

Eventually, I was able to fall asleep...whilst fantasies of shooting the bastard with a BB gun danced through my head.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Worth Every Penny !


Not as expensive as Gooster, whom I got this from, but now I can look a betch in the face & honestly say: "Whatchu lookin at? can't afford me"!


Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Thought you might like this one cb :

Yaz Tour Dates Announced For U.S.

Jim was kind enough to bring this to my attention last night.....Thanks Jim!!!

Six U.S. dates have been announced for the Yaz Reconnected Tour, but I'm really only interested in 2.....unless someone's generous heart wants to comp me airfare/hotel stay/ticket for the NYC show(s)....

Jul 07 - Oakland, CA - Paramount Theatre
Jul 10 - Los Angeles, CA - Orpheum Theatre
Jul 11 - Los Angeles, CA - Orpheum Theatre
Jul 14 - Chicago, IL - Chicago Theatre
Jul 16 - New York, NY - Terminal 5
Jul 17 - New York, NY - Terminal 5

Tickets go on sale this Friday via Ticketmaster.

Monday, March 3, 2008

I Can Haz Ur Credit Card?

I pulled a Winona and stole this hilarious pic from Andrew.