Obama is So Busted!

It looks like Obama is enjoying the Italian sights while attending the G8 Summit in Italy.

Artist Alert!

If anyone's feeling particularly generous today, I'd like to request (any, or all of) the following three original paintings from an artist that I just discovered, Chris Buzelli.

Please and Thank You.

Owl Skeleton

Genetic Adjustment

Patridge in a Pear Tree

You can also check out more of Chris' work at the Drawger website here .

Love, love, love the dreamy surrealism. Genius!

Nothing Strange About Your Daddy(-ies)

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For My BFF

On Sunday night, I got my drink on at Ripples, at their weekly Beer Bust. I scoffed at the $6 cover charge, but when I was told that they were serving booze on the cheap (well vodka for $3) , I quieted down.

The place was packed. Who knew that people actually went out on a school night? It was Latino night, which made my BFF very happy. What made him even happier, and a little lighter in the wallet, was the Go-Go-Papi-Chulo below.



This not-so-tiny dancer knew just how to work the crowd and was making his money fast. At one point during the ogle fest, this sweaty, crazy-looking drunk stood in front of the dancer and started to do some weird interpretative dance/body spasm/yoga moves, which blocked our view of the dancer (who, at this point, was lying on his back, thrusting his hips into the air like he was humping a ghost).

This cock blocker made my BFF very angry. I believe that he shouted something along the lines of: "Get Gollum off the floor!!"

I knew that I had seen this dancer before, but couldn't remember where until this morning. I just forwarded the above pic to my friend. Something tells me that my BFF will be asking me to go with him to Club Cobra very soon.

Ed Asner Made Me Cry

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Over the weekend, I finally saw the latest Pixar movie, Up. I had heard nothing but good things about the movie, yet I was still a little skeptical. Well, hush my mouth...Pixar has, yet again, blown me away...and they even made me tear up a couple of times, but don't tell anyone that this grown man lost his cool in a movie theater...over a cartoon character.

I'm terrible at reviewing movies, without giving away the entire story. So, I'll say this: go see this movie. You won't be disappointed.

June in July?

I live in an old house. An old house with no insulation. During the summer, it retains heat ....and during winter months, it retains the cold air. During the day, I like to keep the front & back doors open to cross ventilate the place.

I'm still waiting on my landlord to repair/reinstall my screen door since it was removed a few months back, when the exterior of the house was painted. Having no screen door in place invites outside creatures to come inside. Creatures like the much hated June Bug.



For the past few nights, I've been taunted & teased by the little bastards while I try to sleep. They fly all around my bedroom, slamming into walls & windows, making a low thumping sound before they drop to the floor.

They really are stupid creatures. They'll fly right at you while you're holding a rolled up magazine in your hands...and they practically aim for the magazine, as your swinging it in their direction. Yesterday, I sent one flying back out the open front door just so. Oh, how I laughed and laughed....ahhh, good times.

I don't hate all June Bugs. There is one type that I actually like. It's not so much an insect...no, it's actually more like a cocktail. Here's the recipe:

Ultimate June Bug Recipe:

1 oz Midori
1 oz Malibu Coconut Rum
1 oz Banana Liqueur
1 oz Sweet & Sour mix
1 oz Pineapple Juice

Blend all items together, serve over ice in Collins glass, and slurp it down!

Happy 4th of July !

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend. My weekend is turning into a major suckfest (and not in the good way), so let's talk about last weekend instead.

Roy, author of the blog Rusty's Balcony, was in town and invited me to come hang out with 2 of his friends in WeHo. We met up at Abbey (I love the Abbey). It was great to meet Roy...it was funny how comfortable I felt to be around him (and his friends). It was as if we were old buddies, meeting up after seeing each other not too long ago. After our first drink(s?), we headed over to Micky's. I was a little disappointed in the remodel. I was expecting the place to look totally different from the way it did pre-fire. It just looked a little too familiar for me. We did get to ogle a go-go dancer (who I think is a porn star), sporting what had to be a banana in his chonies.

I had such a good time Roy...thanks for the invite!

...Mmmm....my neighbors are grilling ribs...I better go make friends!

Happy 223rd Independence Day America!

Love; It's an Obsession

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Thursday's Post

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I just got out of a work meeting, and I should really be given some kind of an award. A spot bonus, a salary increase, job title promotion, a certificate with gold stars....some kind of recognition.! It took all the strength I had in me to stay awake and to appear sober, coherent, and interested. That's a lot of effort displayed by me, especially since I'm currently hopped up on Vicodin, Ibuprofen, and a muscle relaxer (Flexiril.....how I love Thee!)

Today's meeting topic really doesn't impact my job duties, it was more of an FYI for me. So, I had to keep my mind busy, or else I'd end up SOL (snoring out loud). In order to keep up the appearance that I was generally interested in the material being presented, I did the following:

• For all of the people who made fashion mistakes this morning, I undressed them (mentally) and then redressed them in much better looking/fitting clothes.


• I mentally reworked the refreshment table. Cookies, veggies, water, orange juice, and coffee?? So weak! I wanted lox & bagels, fresh berries in a watermelon "bowl", an omelette bar, a Mimosa station, melon wrapped in prosciutto, etc...


• I schemed of ways to smuggle out the large, glass bucket, that was being used to store ice...I think it'd look much better back at my place...full of chilled champagne.


• I furtively browsed the Internet on my phone, and even played Pac-Man on it, but that didn't last long...the battery started to get low real fast.

After lunch, I came back to my desk only to find out that I have just been added to yet another meeting at 2:30...Guess I better charge up my phone !

Alice in Wonderland ~ 2010

Tim Burton's at it again, with his interpretation of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland...I can't wait to see this next year (March 2010 is the expected release date).

Here are some movie stills :

Johhny Depp as the Mad Hatter

Helena Bonham Carter as The Red Queen

Matt Lucas as TweedleDee & TweedleDum

An Ikea Experience

A few weeks back, I bought a pair of chairs at I kea that were marked down from $89 to $30 each. Along with the chairs,I bought a few extra things too. When I was in line to pay, I did the math in my head, so I had a rough estimate of how much money I was about to lose. Now, I've got math skills, so when the cashier gave me the total, I was a little surprised that I was off by about $30.

When I got in my car, I scanned the receipt and noticed that the cashier was kind enough to give me one of the chairs for free ....How sweet, no? Well, once I got home, I noticed that the chairs I had bought were the wrong finish. I wanted the brown-black finish, but I ended up getting the pine finish for both chairs. Damn, I hate returning crap! Karma is such a bitch!

The following weekend, I went back to exchange the chairs in the finish that I wanted. I ended up arguing with the return counter guy and then his manager over the exchange. The problem was that they would only let me exchange for the proper finish if I agreed to pay the difference, since the sale price is no longer in effect. WTF???!!! Here's a snippet of the convo between me & and the manger:

Manager: I'm sorry that YOU chose the wrong finish...there was an employee
standing on the floor handing out the chairs to the customers.

Fabulous Me: Yes, I know....I asked him to give me 2 of the brown-black finish chairs and he ended up giving me the wrong finish.

Now repeat those 2 lines for the next 5 minutes and you'll get our entire conversation. What ended up happening was that they gave me store credit for the 2 chairs. I was handed a gift card for a little over $60, but I didn't buy the chairs at $89 each.

Half way through the argument with the manager, a little voice, in the back of my head spoke up and said: "shut the hell up...you're about to be given $60, and you only shelled out $30....remember, you got one of those chairs for free..."

But, it wasn't about making a profit of $30. I was fighting for the principle of the matter. The manager was basically calling me a liar and saying that I just chose 2 chairs myself, without the help of the employee handing out the chairs. Which isn't what happened at all.

Anyhoo... I took that gift card and I ended up buying a whole lot more Swedish crap. Take that, IKEA!

I Haven't Got Time for The Pain

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I have a pinched nerve in my upper left back. It hurts. Like a Bitch. With a capital B.

Thankfully, I have a Thermatherapy heat pack that really helps alleviate the pain. This is the 2nd time I've had a pinched nerve in the same area this year. If I wasn't such a typical man, I'd go to the doctor and have it looked at.

This time around isn't as bad as the last time, so I think if I continue to take my Vicodin (Thanks Paul) and apply the heat pack (Thanks Rite-Aid), it'll be gone in a few days. Fingers crossed. Ouch!

Happy Father's Day !

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To all the Daddies out there: Happy Father's Day...Hope today is a good one for you!

Blue Dancers

I truly admire people who have been blessed with an artistic gene. They see the world through an entirely different set of eyes. My eldest (oldest?) daughter has this gift. Lucky for me, she is also dating a gifted & generous artist. One of his art class assignments was to reproduce a famous impressionist's work. He chose to recreate Blue Dancers by Edgar Degas. After he was graded on his painting, he gave the painting to me, where I now have it hanging on a wall in my dining room area. He scored major points with that move.

Here's the original:

Here's the reproduction (I love it):

DIVA

On my way back home from church the liquor store last night, and on my drive in to work this morning, I spied with my little brown eye, two (different) women driving clunkers that each had similar stickers on their cars. Both women thought so highly of themselves that they each slapped a couple of stickers on their car's windows that proclaimed to the world, that each of them were in fact.... Divas.

Too bad for me that I don't have the pleasure of knowing them personally. Based on what I could see of their "urban styling", it was obvious to me that their ghetto fabulousness clearly embodies the definition of what a true diva really is.

From Wikipedia, a diva is:

Divas are celebrated female singers. The Italian term is used to describe a woman of rare, outstanding talent in the world of opera (Maria Callas, Montserrat Caballé) and by extension in theatre, cinema and popular music. The meaning of diva is closely related to that of "prima Donna".

So by that definition, I take it that, in order to be considered a diva you have to:

1. Be a woman.
2. Be a well known woman with true performance talent.

Now, haven't we all seen a twinky homo wearing a t-shirt (purchased at Baby Gap) emblazoned with the word "DIVA" in glittery letters? That's just wrong and really needs to stop.

I just think it's ridiculous when a woman (or lady-boy) proclaims herself to be a diva for all the wong reasons. Just because you can't control your potty mouth, have no sense of decorum, or don't understand the difference between slutty & classy does not make you a diva.

Below is a pic that a coworker recently sent me, which originally had the caption "Diva-Licious".

I'm just curious....is she wearing red or orange panties under her skirt?

I'm Addicted to You!

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Daaaaamn you MSN!

You have seduced me with your simple, wholesome, time/productivity robbing (free) online game called Bubble Town....it's a good thing that I DO NOT play this game while I am at work ...at all....nope.

Now if only I could get past level 8 !

Disappointed

I honestly wasn't surprised at today's outcome, but I am still disappointed...so disappointed.

Work, Work, Work It!

I'd like to dedicate the following song/video to Paul...who only recently discovered this song...I know, I know...btw, he recently got busted whilst sashaying his junk up a staircase. Let me paint you a picture: We were at a movie theater, walking up the stairs toward the restrooms, there was no one around, so when I commanded that he arch his back and "work the steps"....he did. As a bonus, when he reached the top of the stairs he even gave a twirl....and that's when, out of a little nook at the landing (that can't be seen until you reach the top of the stairs and look left), came a voice that said "Hey Paul"....it was one of his coworkers. I just about died from laughter.

Paulie: this one's for you!...now please stop f*ckin saying "Sashay Shante" already !!!




Here's an uber gay video that I saw over the weekend. If you listen closely, you can hear some annoying queen yelling "Wuuuurrrrkk!!" throughout the video. Oh wait, that was me...never mind. FYI, the video cuts off at around 2 mins 45 seconds.




Finally, here's a video from Jonny McGovern (aka The Gay Pimp) that I just discovered called "Something For the Fellas"...Now I find myself going around constantly saying "Work, Bitch"...my Mom didn't find it amusing when I ended last night's conversation with that expression though.

WARNING: it's best to consider this video as NSFW.

Memorial Day 2009

Who's Ugly Now?

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Ron Reagan Jr. let drug addict & Viagra user Rush Limbaugh have it yesterday, in response to Limbaugh's suggestion that posting a photo of Nancy Pelosi in "every cheap hotel room in America would cut the birth rate because, hey, no man could get it up with Pelosi's ugly mug in the room, right?"

Here's what Reagan Jr had to say:

Limbaugh hasn't had a natural erection since the Nixon Administration; think he's compensating for something? Now, I wouldn't pick on him for any of this stuff, not his blubbiness, not his man-boobs, not his inability to have a natural erection—none of that stuff—to me, off limits until! until! Mr. Limbaugh, you turn that sort of gun on somebody else—once you start doing that, you're fair game, fat boy. Absolutely, you jiggly pile of mess. You're just fair game, and you're going to get it, too.

Oh, Snap!

My Bowl Runneth Over

Have you ever been at work and you suddenly felt a sharp, knowing pain in your tummy that caused you to grab a newspaper and head off to the restroom to "read" for awhile....and then, after about 10 minutes of "reading", you realize just how productive you were. But such production comes at a price, and by price I mean a LOT of paper must be used to, erm, clean up my hidden valley.

And....have you ever used up so much paper cleaning up, that the bowl sorta over flows when you flush it? And, have you ever run out of the restroom, giggling the entire way back to your desk? And, did you fail to notify maintenance about what you just ran away from?

No?....yeah, me neither.

ps: While I was in the restroom, "reading", someone came into the room, closed the door and let loose a long lasting, grumbling/growling fart...and then he left. He didn't even haved the decency to wash his hads. What a pig!

Twice Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I had a 28" waist...and I wished that I wasn't so damn skinny. I actually remember walking into Robinson's and trying on a pair of navy blue Calvin Klein tapered leg pants (my generation's version of the skinny jean) and I was swimming in a size 28...I bought the pants (and a canvas belt) anyway and wore the hell out of those pants that school year. They were the perfect length and looked great with my white espadrilles.

Those days are long gone and I'll never be that thin again...and that's ok...I'd look like a lollipop if my waist shrunk that small, and besides, my birthing hips just aren't going away...'Mkay?

Once upon a time, I had a blog that I thought about all the time. I would constantly be aware of potential situations to blog about. I would think of new blog headers to create, or templates to try out. Keeping the blog current and fresh was actually a big part of my day to day.

Those days and those habits seem to have slipped into the ether....and that's NOT ok. So, for the one hundredth time again this year, I'm going to state my renewed dedication to the blog and I will try my damnedest to get back on track and write much more regularly.

Now excuse while I loosen my non-28 inch waist pants...big lunch today...don't judge.
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Here; In My Head

Question: What do Alison Goldfrapp, a garden gnome, and an elephant all have in common?

Answer: They were all in my dream last night.

The dream started out with Goldfrapp & me walking around a forest, picking up silvery tree bark that had fallen off of the trees. She said that she needed to have the "mess" all cleaned up before sunset or "she'd be fired". I asked her who was going to fire her and why were we picking this stuff up & bagging it? She got angry with me and told me that if I was going to keep asking stupid questions, then I could just go home...So I did. Bitch.

The dream then morphed into me sitting on my bed (which had a HUGE mirrored headboard...like 20 feet tall) reading a book. Then I started to hear a knocking sound coming from the inside of my dresser's bottom drawer. Something was inside the drawer and was knocking, for someone to release it. You probably guessed by now that it was the garden gnome (actually, it was one of the gnomes that hangs out in my garden, only newer/cleaner). When I opened the drawer to release him, he "stood up" and yelled "Boo!"... and then he burst into a cloud of glitter (so gay, that one!).

Confused, I decided that it was time for a little drinky-drink, so off I went to my kitchen....but before leaving my bedroom, I saw something out on my front lawn...something BIG was on my front lawn. So, I moved the sheer curtains aside (which, in reality, do not exist on any windows in my house), and saw an elephant on my lawn, squatting, about to take a dump...I banged on the window and started to scream "Nooooo!"....and that's when I woke up.

Strange dream, no? Still trying to figure it out.

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Come Into My World

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Kylie Minogue announces 2009 U.S. Tour dates...I think I wet myself a little:

Sep. 30 - Oakland - Fox Theater
Oct. 03 - Las Vegas - The Pearl
Oct. 04 - Los Angeles -Hollywood Bowl
Oct. 07 - Chicago - Congress Theater
Oct. 11 - NYC - Hammerstein Ballroom

What's That You've Got On?

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A Clever Fool

Just Foolish

5 De Mayo

On the Dinner Menu tonight:

• Chicken Enchiladas
• Homemade Guacamole
• Margaritas (on the rocks, hold the salt).

Moondah

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Sheesh, where did the weekend go? Mine was pretty low key. Went shopping, cleaned house, futzed around in the garden, and ran errands, mainly. I noticed on Saturday morning that many of my neighbors' gardens were looking really good, so I cleaned up my tiny flower beds a bit...gotta keep up with the " Jones' "!

There was a little hummingbird that flew into the garden, while I was watering, and was about a foot away from me, drinking in the flower's nectar. Luckily, I had my phone on me, so I whipped it out (the camera...not my schlong) and snapped some pics. Then the little bugger zoomed in on my face and floated about 6 inches away from my nose. I was frozen in panic/fascination. I think I read somewhere that it's good luck if they stab you in the eye...but I could be mistaken. Fortunately, he was all filled up and just wanted to check me out before he zipped away.

The highlight of Saturday night was watching 3 straight boys in a gay bar. They knew it was a gay bar. They were there to get their friend plastered. The friend is a Marine that was being shipped off to Iraq Sunday morning. Oh, and all 3 of the guys wore bathrobes over speedos. After 10 minutes, the robes came off and all 3 were getting their dance on with the lesbians. One of their straight female friends showed up to support her friends by dropping trou and grinding on her guys. Not that I was checking them out or anything...but the one that was around 4'10" looked like he had a 3rd leg growing out of his crotch (trapped in a pair of red speedos).

I would've taken a pic of the straights in their chonies, but that's just wrong......(read: my damn phone's camera doesn't take good pics in low light).

How To Avoid The Swine Flu

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Don't Do this:

Does This Ever Happen to You?

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You're in bed...alone...crying that you're alone in bed ....and in between sobs, you suddenly get a great idea for a blog post. You start to (mentally) write out the post, and then that little voice of reason tells you that maybe it'd be a good idea to jot down some notes, just in case you forget some of the details in the morning...but you're too damn lazy to roll out of bed, so guess what happens when your lazy ass wakes up?

Yup, you've forgotten all about that award winning post....well, there are bits and pieces floating around the noggin, but you just can't pull it all together.

So due to sheer laziness, I've got nothing today. Have a Super weekend y'all!

The More You Know

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I learned a couple new acronyms this past weekend that I think will come in handy, whilst texting or sending out a memo to my coworkers:

BAMF - (Bamph) - translation: "Bad Ass Mother F*cker"
DGAF - (D-Gaff) - translation: "Don't Give A F*ck"

Here's how I'll probably use them together:

"I won't be attending the mandatory staff meeting tomorrow, because I'm a BAMF and I really DGAF".

Do You See What I See?

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Are the pics below moving, or are they perfectly still?

The pictures are used to test the level of stress a person can handle. The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Allegedly, criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens see them standing still...probably due to the blinding glaucoma thing.

None of these images are animated... you're just extremely stressed out....and are about to lose your mind.

Easter Weekend

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So, yesterday was Easter....That doesn't mean much to me anymore, now that no one is buying me an Easter basket. My parents used to have Easter Dinner at their house, but those days are long gone. We'd even go to church (occasionally)...and I always felt so out of place saying "Peace be with You" to strangers. Other than my mom's dinner, I really don't miss celebrating Easter...it was more fun as a kid. Now, I'd only look like I was missing a few chromosomes, running around my folk's yard, looking for hidden eggs with a plastic basket in my hands.

The weekend was a very solitary one for me. I really didn't do much beyond an oil & lube job (for my car) & cleaning the house from top to bottom (don't go there). For the longest time, since I don't know when, my weekends have always been busy....I secretly wanted just ONE weekend where I had nothing to do...absolutely no plans.... I just wanted to be able to sit around the house, watch crap TV, eat crap food & not have to be anywhere....So, this weekend, I got exactly what I wanted...and ironically... I hated it.

Lesson learned: Be careful what you wish for!

Sign of The Times

This pic is making me sad...Sad, that I don't have trained animals that can do this on demand.

Asian Persuasion

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I got all kinds of excited when I saw that my last post generated 21 comments...and then reality bitch slapped me across the face when I noticed that 1/2 of them were from Asian (Chinese?) Spambots...Not sure what's going on here with the sudden interest from Chi-Bots, but guess I REALLY am Big in Japan.

Anyhoo...this poor little blog has been so neglected. I have all sorts of blog post ideas scribbled on pieces of toilet scratch paper that really need to be flushed fleshed out and written down, for your personal mockery enjoyment.

Here's a quick update:

• I've gotten fatter
• Work has me earning my pay...Super Busy!
• I am dying to go on vacation...I'd settle for Vegas...Downtown Vegas even!
• I've gotten even fatter since starting this post

Stay tuned for blogging to continue on a regular basis (hmm, I've said that before haven't I?)

Now excuse me whilst I delete the unwanted spam messages from my last post.

Does This Fan...

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...make me look Gay?