Strange Fruit

For years, Japanese consumers have struggled to fit watermelons into their refrigerators. Japanese farmers have recently solved the problem:

Square Watermelons!



Clever farmers insert the melons into square, tempered glass cases while the fruit is still growing on the vine. Today the watermelons are hand-picked and sadly, only available in Japan....but I guess that's a good thing as these bad boys are expensive....Each melon sells for 10,000 yen, that's equivalent to about $83.



I swear, the Japanese are the most innovative people in the world!


Hai !

Sweet Dreams Are(n't) Made of This

Maybe it was the 3 glasses of Pinot Grigio I chugged post dinner....or maybe it was the bag of microwave popcorn I ate right before bedtime...or maybe it's just me getting nervous over the job interview I have tomorrow morning...not sure what's to blame, but something gave me cause to have a bad dream last night.

So, in this dream, I'm at the movie theater and it's a packed house. I had to squeeze myself down a tight aisle, carrying a ridiculously large "bucket" of popcorn and 2 cans of Coke (I only drink Diet Coke). Right before I get to my seat, a kid grabbed one of my sodas out of my hand. When I sat down, I turned to him and told him to give it back. He just shook his head "no". Then I try to get his father's attention, but daddy's gone deaf and blind and just ignores me. At this point, I start to yell at the kid's Dad...he still ignores me and people in the audience are yelling at me to shut up.

Since I'm clearly a stingy bastard concerned about this child's teeth, I get out of my seat and get in this kid's face to demand my soda back. At this point, things get ugly and the little monster grabs the top of my head with both of his hands and digs his finger nails into my head. I grabbed him by the neck, and just as I'm about to strangle him, my alarm clock goes off.

Soooo not fair!

A few minutes later, I'm in the shower singing Milkshake washing my hair and I notice a sore spot on the right side of my head. Looks like I got a little bit too much into role playing during that damn dream, and I gave myself a nice little scratch on my head.

Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't strangle that kid after all, otherwise I'd probably have some interesting neck marks as well.

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2008 Long Beach Pride Parade Pics

Here are a few pics from Sunday's parade...

Pride; Of A Different Kind

On Sunday morning, I walked from my house to Ocean Blvd to watch the Gay Pride Parade (pics to follow soon). I foolishly left the house on an empty stomach and with unprotected skin.

After 2 hours of standing in the cruel sun, watching a parade identical to last year's, my hungry tummy and burnt skin were begging for shelter & sustenance. So I walked my burnt, sweaty, messy self on over to a very trendy, yet sophisticated Mexican restaurant that some of you (in the know) may have heard of...Sunday afternoon I lunched at Taco Bell....diet be damned!

When I walked inside T Bell [the men all paused], I noticed that there were about 10 other people ahead of me. It was pretty crowded in the little restaurant , so when a guy standing at the back shouted "Shut Up!", we all turned to see a man glaring at the little cashier. There was hatred beaming from this psycho's eyes. I just knew that things were about to get interesting.

When psycho made his way up to the counter, he told the cashier that if he was going to talk shit about him to say it to his face. The cashier said that he wasn't talking about him, he was just mentioning to his co-worker that after he took his order he was going to take a break.....and that the co-worker said something funny to make him laugh.

Psycho didn't buy the story. He just said :"yeah ...sure!" .

A few minutes go by, and the psycho walks into the patio and sits down at a table near me...lovely!

As I'm inhaling my food, the cashier walks into the patio to clean up...bad decision on his part. Psycho gets out of his chair and walks over to the cashier and gets in his face. Again, the accusations of talking shit start. The cashier again denies any shit talking. As the scared cashier scurried back inside, the psycho starts to follow him, but a man in the patio (wearing a t-shirt that read: The USA Don't Play) stood up & shouted "Hey, why don't you stop harassing the guy."

The following conversation takes place:

Psycho: "And why don't you shut the f*ck up asshole"

Non-Psycho: "Why don't you come over here and make me, bitch. Why don't you bring your little punk ass on over here and start that shit with someone over the age of 16. I bet you get a thrill out of picking on teenagers don't you. You probably even hit women. Come on bitch, talk some shit now...yeah that's what I thought. That's right, sit your stupid ass down and shut the f*ck up."

Oooh, Child, the entire patio went dead silent. Psycho did just as he was told and finally shut the f*ck up. Non-Psycho gets up to leave, but has to first untie the biggest German Shepherd I've ever seen from a tree just outside the patio. He makes a point to walk the dog back through the patio and stops a few feet away from the Psycho to say: "I'm going to do you a favor and leave... before I knock your teeth out."

I have never felt more proud to be an American.

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Pride; Long Beach Style

This weekend is Long Beach's Gay Pride Festival. It's actually the 25th year of Pride in the LBC, and with the recent news of California ending its ban on gay marriage, it should be quite the celebration!

Some of the headlining acts include: Deborah Cox, The Bangles, KC & The Sunshine Band, & Sheena Easton...talk about going retro!

The weather's supposed to reach the 90's over the weekend (yikes!), so I may have to hide out in a movie theater during the day.

Here's one of the DJ's (identity unknown) that'll be spinning in the dance tent:

Eww La La !

When I was in Paris, I saw a talk show called On N'est Pas Couche. On the episode I watched there were 2 brothers on the guest panel that I couldn't take my eyes off of. I didn't know who they were, but after a little Internet searching this morning I have uncovered their identities.

They are twin brothers Igor & Grichka Bogdanov. They are of Russian and Austrian descent and live in France. I think they may have had a little bit of work done, but I could be wrong. Click here to find out a little bit more about these boys.



Could this be Mommy?

Sex and The City

Here's just a few pics from our trip...most of them are a bit cliche/overly touristy...but whatever! I'm only in about 3 pics out of around 500+ that I took...and none of those were uploaded onto this computer yet, so you won't be seeing my shiny happy face here.

I'm surprised that I didn't take any photos of the gay areas of London or Paris, but a funny thing did happen to me in the homo district of London:

Right smack in the middle of the gay bars/pubs, are a bunch of sex shops/porn shops/peep shows. As I was passing by these shops one night, this guy walks up to me and tells me that on the 2nd floor of the building to the left of us he's "got some hot Brazilian ladies waiting to please me"...and he also has some "Spanish beauties up on the 3rd floor...what's my pleasure?"

I regretfully had to decline, as I was on my way to a bar to get my drink on....oh yeah, and I'm really not into prostitutes much. Boy, was he barking up the wrong tree!

Arc de Triomphe

The Gardens @ Versailles

Hotel de Ville (City Hall)

Yummy Food in China Town (London)

Big Ben

Eiffel Tower (duh!)

Pyramid @ The Lourve

Notre Dame

Hotel Lobby (London Marriott Hotel County Hall)

Upshot of flowers

Courtyard of Buckingham Palace

Courtyard of Buckingham Palace

Buckingham Palace

Back in the (562)

Well, the London/Paris trip was simply awesome. I now want to pack up all of my family, friends, and loved ones and relocate us all to London. The weather was just perfect. I took 3 coats with me and didn't even need the wind breaker. Paris is stunningly beautiful and I wouldn't mind living there, but the language barrier was a bit of a problem.

The US dollar is worthless right now, so everything seemed so damn expensive. I really didn't buy much in either city other than 2 t-shirts (only 7 pounds each) from a funky little shop in Soho. Oh, I got a (much needed) haircut in London, and when the stylist finished he said to me (in an Italian accent): "see...now your face doesn't look so fat"...umm, Thanks (?)

Since neither the BFF or I have been to either city, we ended up being ultra-tourists and checked out all of the typical landmarks/tourist attractions. I have to say that the rumors I heard, prior to leaving, that the English & French really don't care for Americans & that the food is bland/tasteless are simply untrue...the people in both countries are friendly, and I ate some of the best pastries, er, I mean "food" ever in both cities. Oh, and Parisians are some good looking people...seriously attractive and fit. You could always spot the American tourists...they we were the loud/fat ones amongst the pretty people.

While eating dinner at Med Kitchen in London, we noticed that the Coen Brothers were sitting 2 tables over from us...looking all kinds of sloppy....and I almost ran into Pete Burns as he was walking out of a pub in London...I hate to use an antiquated phrase, but she was looking like a Tranny Mess.

I have to admit that it's good to be home again...time to shake off the jet lag (not too bad though) and get caught up on some blog reading. More stories and pics to come soon!

European Vacation

I'm off to the airport in about 15 minutes. I'll be vacationing in London/Paris for the next 9 days...I'm so excited, yet so nervous...I always get that I'm forgetting something feeling.

Posting for the next week or so will be minimal, but I'ma do my best and try to post something everyday.

The Wheels on the Bus...

I finally solved the problem I was having with my car...I bought a new one. I kinda feel like I had no other choice, really. The extended warranty company (a-holes all) denied my claim, due to not having my car's timing belt inspected at 60k miles. I fought them as hard as I could and even had the service department arguing my case, but ended up losing that battle. The car's total repair damages came out to $4700...the car itself is valued at $3800 (per Kelly Blue book), and that's if it was in working condition.

So, I was able to trade it in still, got a pretty nice rebate ($3000), and now have a brand new car (yay!)...I'm still feeling a little uneasy about a new car, since I only had TWO more car payments on the old one...so now I'm back in debt for another 5 years...oh well, at least my car is pretty runs!

While I was car less, I turned tricks rode the express bus to get to work (shout out to the 577 Express!). I have to admit, that I sort of liked it. In fact, I'm thinking about taking the bus once or twice a week to save adding mileage to my car (not to mention the rising cost of gas).

There were quite a few characters that I had the pleasure (?) of getting to know while taking public transport. I'll definitely miss the man with the bulge in his pants that looked like he was trying to smuggle a grapefruit out of town...and I'll only miss him cuz he always made me LOL..literally. I swear, I saw this guy on 3 separate occasions, and each time he was wearing dress slacks and looking professional, except for the enormous bulge in his slacks...damn show off!

I already miss the little Ranchero who wears this belt with a GIGANTIC silver buckle (it was the size & shape of a CD)...the buckle looks home made (or maybe his son or lezzy daughter made it in metal shop class). I tried taking a pic of him, while waiting at the bus station, but he (4 foot tall and 4 foot wide - and looking like he had the strength of a bull) almost caught me...so I put away my phone.

Oh, and I'll also miss the group of young adults that rode the bus with me a couple of times. They all had Down Syndrome, and they made me feel humble and embarrassed for bitching & moaning about stupid shit. My Grandmother used to say that when you see a person who's mentally retarded to not feel sad for them, because when they were born an angel kissed them a little too long and it left them in a constant state of bliss...I'm not so sure about that, but I do know that whenever I saw them, I thought about Grandma...and smiled.

Beauty is Pain

Shoe Porn: Little Chinese Slippers!

Foot Porn: Mangled Chinese Foot!

Wrap it Tight, Betch!

Tighter!...Tighter!...Tuck them toes & bind that shit!

Now, work the street & don't come back til you've made the rent!

Is April Over Yet?

Last Wednesday, while driving home, my car broke down on the 605 Freeway. I was nearly home when the engine made a strange sound...sorta like a small tree branch getting tossed under a lawn mower...then the power just dropped and I coasted to the right hand side emergency lane. I'm so proud that I kept my shit together and didn't scream or panic, as semi trucks sped dangerously close to me.

I had to have my car towed from my house to the dealer the following morning. It turns out that the timing belt broke and damaged the pistons and valves. My car has been in the shop since Thursday...and it's just sitting there. The service department isn't able to start the repairs, until the extended warranty service company decides whether or not they're going to authorize repairs (due to the amount of miles on the car, the standard warranty is voided and the extended warranty comes into play). Since the damage to the engine was extensive, an inspector from the extended warranty company paid a visit to the dealer late Friday afternoon to look for signs of abuse/neglect.

Besides car problems, I've also have had to deal with family members getting sick, workplace B.S., and a whole bunch of other personal crap involving friends and family.

This month sucks zitty, hemorrhoid laden, parasite infested, dirty, filthy ASS big time, and I can't wait for it to be over.

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Phoning It In Friday

So much cray-ap going on in my life right now, that I don't have time to write up a proper post...so here's a pretty picture to tide y'all over!

Drag Queen Crying

Drag Queens Running

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Dreamy Dreams

I have many reoccurring dreams...usually, they're unpleasant. There is one unpleasant dream in particular that I've been having since I was a kid. A few nights back, I dreamt of The Child Catcher again. The Child Catcher used to scare the hell outta me.

I have no idea why I'm still dreaming about this freak (as an adult) or what triggered my subconscious to have this nightmare invade my beauty sleep.

In case you've never seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang you may not know of whom I speak. ...I found this video on YouTube, so take a peek at what I dream about:

Ding-Dong!

Saturday morning I was woken (awoken?, waked? awaken? your place or mine?) by the annoying sound of the doorbell...at the ungodly hour of 8:00 am...did I mention that it was Saturday morning and I am NOT a morning person.

[Sidebar]: Why is it that (a slight) panic always washes over me when I hear the doorbell ring or a knock at the door? It's as if the Truth Police have finally tracked me down and have come to collect me for all of the lies/phoning it in/half-truths I've committed throughout my fagulous life...I just don't understand this nonsense.

Anyhoo...about a full minute after the doorbell rang, there's a knock on the door...[gasp! they're still out there!]... I peek out my bedroom window (which faces the street), and what I see standing on the front porch scares the hell out of me...Jehovah's Witnesses.

Another minute passes and they are still standing on the porch. It's too early in the morning for my usual smart ass antics. I just don't have the energy that early in the morning to have a little fun with them, so I do not throw open the door wearing only my underwear & an erection...nor do I pay tribute to one of my Mama's old tricks of getting down on all fours and barking like a dog (behind the closed door of course)...I'm not shitting you, my Mom used to do this whenever we had Jehovah's pay us a visit, and it made them leave every time...I take that back, there was one exception...she got called out on her "barking" by a JH that said: "nice try, Sir".

So, I waited until they finally moved on to their next victim before I got out of bed & took care of that erection made breakfast.

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Two For Tuesday

I've got nothing today. My brain took the day off...I'm hoping it returns soon. In the meantime, here's a funny pic I saw on the internets this morning.

Here's my favorite pic of Hillary...photoshopped? maybe...Rockin' the pearls? Hells yeah!

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Hot Child In The City

The weather in L.A. this weekend was unusually summer-like...Temps soared into the mid 90's, and I melted into a puddle of salty water...I'm really not a "summer person", so I spent most of Saturday bitching-n-moaning. The trick to keeping your house cool is to close all of the windows, doors, and curtains/blinds. I hate doing this. When I'm at home, I love to have everything opened up. It's a Long Beach thang...really it is. I love walking my neighborhood and being able to peek into my neighbor's homes, you know, to see who has the best home entertainment system, who's made yet another decorating mistake, who's walking around the house naked...yeah, I'm nosey like that.

The heat turns me into a cranky bastard. For example, I did a little grocery shopping Saturday afternoon, and as I was walking back to my car, I noticed a bum in the parking lot begging for a money. I stealthily made my way back to my car, unnoticed...or so I thought. As I was loading the groceries into the back of my car, I hear a sheepish voice behind me begging my pardon. [...F*ck!...now I have to deal with this mess] I turned around and cut the guy off saying: "I can't help you out", then went back to loading the bags. This pisses the homestead-challenged guy off and he shouts at me: "God Bless You, Sir!".....ok, now I'm pissed off....how dare he call me "sir"!! Why is that bums always use "God Bless You" as a guilt trip? Did he think that I was going to change my mind after hearing that and offer him a twenty? What it really made me want to do was to pitch him into the back of his shopping cart and push it into oncoming traffic...I'm kidding, such a kidder this one!

I escaped my hot house Saturday night by going to see...Run Fat Boy Run. It's a silly & fun movie (with a couple of touching moments...sniff sniff!)) starring one of my new favorite comedic actors, Simon Pegg (from Shaun of the Dead & Hot Fuzz fame). The only disappointment in this movie was that Nick Frost, Simon's frequent costar (and real life best friend) wasn't in the movie. My favorite line from the movie is: "I'm not fat, I'm unfit"....Oh, how I can relate to that!

It's cooled down a little bit today...today's high temperatures are in the low 80's....and tomorrow it's only supposed reach the high 60's...now, that's my kind of weather!

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Cheetah Girls

Jocelyn Wildenstein and Joan Rivers....separated at birth?

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Mama Don't Play That!

Tough love is what this country needs more of...it's unreal what you see & hear kids getting away with nowadays...sometimes I feel like smacking a kid, when I see him/her disrespecting their parents in public, and all that gets said is "do you need a time out?"...ok, maybe the parent should be slapped for handing over control.

My folks were always sneaky about putting a beat down on me (in public). For example, if we were at a department store, and I was acting a fool, my Mom would have an urgent need for me to try a shirt on, in the dressing room where no one could see us...it only took one of those 'lessons' for me to learn how NOT to act in public.

You just know that the teen in the pics above is hating his mama right about now, but someday he'll thank her for it....go mama!!

Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?

4. Meow occasionally.

5. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

6. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

7. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

8. Say "Ding" at each floor.

9. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

17. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

18. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

19. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

20. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

23. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

24. Do Tai Chi exercises

25. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

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In Local News...

So last night, as I'm heading home from the gym, I decide to pop into my local convenience store to pick up some water....I was looking a wreck, but didn't care...what are the chances of running into someone that I know, right? Picture me...looking like this: flush-faced, sweaty, wearing a ratty, bleach stained t-shirt, a pair of raggedy shorts, and a pair of cross trainers that look like they've been run over by a steam roller....this is my usual gym gear, nice right?

As I'm fingering the cupcakes, debating on whether or not I can justify purchasing a pack, (since I just lost 400 calories on the elliptical machine after all), I hear a man standing next to me say: " Hi Christopher"......[Oh shit]....so I turn to look at who wants my autograph, and I have no idea who this handsome man before me is. Turns out that it's Jason, a reader of my blog who recognized me and had plenty of nice things to say about my writing. Jason's been thinking about starting his own blog and I told him to just do it....I hope he does.

It's so nice to be recognized this way and not like this...I only wish I would've been showered & properly dressed...[le gay sigh!]

Thanks for the kind words Jason, you should know I eat that stuff up!....now start your damn blog already!!

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Hispanic At The Disco !

Last Friday, I took Mary, my favorite Lesbian, out for drinks & dancing. Mary's been going through a rough patch in her life lately and needed some cheering up. When Mary said that she wanted to get her drink & dance on..."with her people", I was afraid that I'd be dragged to some Lezbo bar, that only served beer and "dancing" really meant slam dancing...Lucky for me it meant Circus Disco in Hollywood.

Circus is a HUGE club with 4 "rooms" that play different types of music in each. I hadn't been to Circus in years, so I was really surprised to see all of the changes they've made. Since I'm not a fan of Musica Latina or drag shows (in Spanish), we spent most of our time in the large room (which plays house & Top 40).

I'd say that the population here is at least 90% Latino....so I was a little surprised to see that the Caucasian go-go boy, sporting long board shorts (who had a semi-muscular body), was making the most money! Yes, the white guy was cute & had a decent body, but his dancing was basically the standard 2 step (with a few thrusts thrown in), and he wasn't even showing bulge or booty.....now as for the other 2 go-go boys: those 2 left nothing to the imagination & they were working it like the rent was due yesterday.

The highlight of the evening was when Mary tipped one of the go-go boys, he peeled down his chonies & showed her what he was working with, to which she shouted: "I haven't seen one of those in over 20 years....are they all that big ?!"

Buy My Love

...

So I did a little online window shopping today, and I found a watch that I'd like someone to buy for me:

The Grand Saxonia from A. Lange & Söhne
Starts at $21,000 for white gold with crocodile band (as shown)
Web site: alange-sohne.com

I love this watch. It screams of good taste (and whispers "I'm better than you"), but how can anyone justify paying this much for a watch? Well, I guess if you have to ask that question, then you (I) just can't afford it.


Wonder if I can get this on Ebay? Or better yet, maybe I can pick one up in Chinatown for $10....along with a new pair of "Dulce & Gaybannas"


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All I Saw

Did any of you catch Kylie Minogue on Dancing with The Stars last Tuesday? In case you didn't, she sang "All I See" & "Can't Get You Out Of My Head"....oh, and she wore a blonde wig that she borrowed from Gwen Stefani, and her voice sounded about as flat as my back cheeks.

What a let down!

Happy Birthday Big Daddy !

Today my Mountain-Time-Zone-Common-Law-Cyber hubby celebrates his 21st (plus) birthday.

If you aren't familiar with the man, check out his blog and gets to know him. Big Daddy is one of the first blogs I started reading and is a great source for news, music, "hubba hubba" eye candy, and laughs...I'm blessed to be able to call this man a real life friend.

Happy B-day Daddio....may you have many, many more....now get your arse down to L.A. soon!!

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Muxtape

I just discovered this cool site from Matty's blog. It's a pretty clever way to create & share a "mixtape". You can only upload mp3 files and there's a 12 song limit. Most of my music files are in m4p format...so I'm still playing with it.

Check it out: http://cleverfool.muxtape.com/

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Forgetful Fool

Last Friday, as I was leaving my office (ECSTATIC that the weekend was finally here), I noticed from the building's entrance that my car wasn't where I'd parked it. I was running a little late in the morning, so when I got to work the lot was already full & I was forced to park on the street. Slightly panicking, I tried to relive the morning in my mind,..I could clearly picture myself parking on the street, across from the house with the yellow irises...and right now that spot was clearly empty.

I had a sudden flashback to a summer memory from my preteen years. I was locking up my beloved cherry-red Schwinn beach cruiser at my local public swimming pool. As I was wrapping the chain through the front tire, a guy sitting on the grass nearby (with 3 other losers) yelled at me to "lock that bike up real good boy, cuz it might not be there when you get done swimming."

When I finished my swimming session, I noticed that he wasn't BS'ing me, My bike was gone....well, most of it. In my ignorance, I only locked up the front tire, so all the guy had to do was detach the tire from the frame and he had a nearly new bike. I froze in place when I saw the locked tire. I was too embarrassed to walk any where near the bike rack, so I walked home...crying most of the way. I remember getting yelled at by my father when I told him what had happened. I remember yelling back at him that I had paid for the bike with the money I earned from mowing lawns and that he had no reason to yell at me. I also remember the slap that I got for yelling at him.

*** End of Flashback ***

A few moments later, my body is awash in embarrassment. I feel extremely foolish. I feel somewhat senile, but mostly I feel relieved....why, you ask...it's because at that glorious moment, I remembered that I moved my car at lunch, and there she sat in the middle of the parking lot.

Hmm...the joys (?!) of getting older.

Shut up, I can hear you all snickering...bitches!

Kissable Lips

Donatella Versace

Tag, I'm It!

My Baby Daddy tagged me with a meme so here's my shot at it. Warning: my take is pretty silly...nothing cerebral about this post, but that's just where my head is today....up in the clouds!

1. Pick a single person, past or present, in the film industry who you'd like to have dinner with, and tell us why you chose this person.

• Jason Statham...because he is my celebrity crush du jour...I am in love with this man's physical appearance (and husky voice), and he makes the kinds of movies I'd star in...if I had his bod & martial arts skills.
  

2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details.

• I would treat Jason to dinner at Yamashiro in Hollywood. I'd dress him up in a black & sheer shirt from International Male (top 3 buttons undone), paired with low-rise, black velvet tuxedo pants, and finished off with a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes (oh, ho-nay... he'd be looking all kinds of homo)...I'd be dressed a bit more conservative: black flat front slacks, paired with a crisp white cotton dress shirt, black leather sandals (I've got summer on my mind).
• We'd start off with sashimi and then work our way up to surf & turf....many drinks would be, um, drinked (drank?, drunk?)...my foot would "accidentally" caress his inner thigh many, many, many times throughout dinner....oops, I'm digressing...onto the next question.
  

3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.

• 1. You were an Olympic Diver on the British National Diving Team (finished 12th in the World Championships in 1992)...if acting didn't work out for you, would you still be pursuing this?
• 2. Are the rumors true about a Transporter 3 movie & another Italian Job movie?
• 3. Would you be down with helping me make an "I'm f*cking Jason Statham" video....Jason, please bear in mind that this will require you to be nude & aroused during most of the video...for artistic value?
• 4. You used to me a model ...so, why can't I find any nakey pics of you online?
• 5. If I were to tell you that I was dying a slow death, would you help me fulfill a lifelong quest to recreate the oiled up fight scene from The Transporter?
  

4. When all is said and done, select bloggers to pass this Meme along to. I choose you Pikachu(s):

• Paul
• Joe
• Michael
• Jim
• cb
• Frank
• Shirley
• Scot
• WAT
• Anyone else that wants to play along!

5. Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre, so that people know the mastermind behind this meme.

I Aint Got No Accent !

I took this little quiz, and it confirmed what I already knew.

I am interested in what Paul's results will be...I swear he's a closeted southern boy...every now and again he'll slip his wang a drawl out...but he'll deny this and spank me with his wang just say: "I aint got no accent!"

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
Boston
North Central
The Inland North
The South
Philadelphia
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Fo Shizzle !

I called in sick to work yesterday....2nd Monday in a row...I'm sure the boss is a little suspicious, but I don't care...I really was sick.

I had to tell my boss a (white) lie when he asked me what was wrong. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. A "killer sinus headache" sounds so much more dignified than the truth: I've got the shizzles and I'm afraid that I'd crap my pants, while driving in to work.

Here's another confession: I loves me some Pepto Bismol...mmm...tasty....but I must've become immune to the stuff, because it just didn't shut the flood gates down. So much of my morning was spent on the pot, whispering desperate prayers to the Little Baby Jebus for help.

I finally felt like a fully functioning human around 1:00 pm, so I showered, ate a sammy, and then went to a local photo shop to have my pic taken for my passport. I was surprisingly happy with the way the pic turned out (I only saw one chin), and within 5 minutes I was on my way to my next stop, the Downtown Long Beach post office, to drop off my passport paperwork....what a nightmare!

The passport window was severely understaffed. They have 4 windows, but only one clerk was working yesterday. At 2:00 pm, an announcement was made that at 3:00 pm, numbers would be handed out to 8 people and anyone beyond the 8th person would have to return another day.

I started to stress out & get anxious that I spent all this time in line for nothing...I was getting visions of the 3 o'clock hour, where I'd be the 9th fool in line...I saw me losing my cool and falling to the floor in a spasmodic seizure, speaking in tongues, and then being forcibly thrown out onto the pavement, still convulsing...but all that praying in the morning actually did me some good....I was Lucky #8.

The clerk was happy, grateful even, with the thoroughness of my application, and she was finished with me in about 10 minutes...there was one little problem. The pictures that I just had taken would most likely be rejected by the passport processing agency. My glasses were casting shadows under my eyes and that is a big no-no. I didn't see it, but the clerk did & she offered to retake my pic (no charge). I had to pose in a seriously unflattering position to prevent any glare/shadows. So basically my new pic is creepy looking....I have my chin(s) smashed into my chest, while I'm looking up at the camera...uggh!

I really don't care now....only a handful of people will ever see that pic...London & Paris, here I come (May 2008)!

Friday Confessions

• I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, and now I'm afraid to lift my arms.
  
  
• When no one's looking, I like to drink milk/soda/juice straight from the carton.
  
  
• I love to watch really bad Kung-Fu movies....the kind with poorly dubbed English voice overs.
  
  
• I want to learn how to sew...on a sewing machine, so that I can expand my wardrobe for pennies on the dollah!
  
  
• I like to pee sitting down.

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